Confession Tuesday 4-29-14 "KID TURNING GOTH"

Fashion Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. Inspired results Coach dot com. Good morning.

Good morning.

All right. So how have you been? I feel. I feel like. I feel like I. Even though we see each other weekly, I feel like I haven't seen you. Seen you in. In forever. Ever. I know someone. Someone's been busy. That. That someone's kind of you.

Well, both of us.

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm never busy. I have nothing going on ever.

But I'm great. I'm really, really good. I'm glad to be here. I'm loving meeting all of these sidekick contestants.

It's. It's.

That's been fun.

The social experiment aspect of it is absolutely incredible.

Well, this is hilarious to come in and watch every week. I love it.

Yeah. Rebecca gets like a. Like a ringside seat to the. To this thing, which is so funny. So here's how it works on a confession Tuesday. Rebecca is a life coach. She is here to help you get out of your own way and get the results that you know deep down you really want.

Absolutely. The business is called inspired results because we have no agenda for anyone. It's all about you coming to the table, knowing what you want, and just not quite sure how to get there. So I give you different tools and strategies to get you where you want to go.

You caught me mid coffee. Sorry. My bad. All right, so here's how it works. You go to see ny kiss.com and. And you tell us your story, and we handle it here on the air. There is a backlog of all kinds of segments and whatnot, and I realize it hasn't been updated in a couple weeks. That's my fault because I've been doing this thing called a sidekick search, and I have to teach everybody how to do everything, so. So get off my back, Jack. I'm working on it. All right. That'll be one of the. One of the things that whoever wins will help me with and stuff. So you ready for.

Yeah.

All right, here we go. This is today's email. Dear Rebecca and Big Papa, my son is 15, and he's going through a weird, angsty phase. He dyed his hair jet black. He listens to moody music, and he's hanging with, in quotes, goths. You know what I mean? Those kids that dress in all black and complain that life is nothing but pain and sadness. Is this just a phase? Should I tell him he can't dress like he does or hang out with who he wants?

Great email. Thank you so Much. Some of you may know, my background is actually in school counseling. My master's is in counseling. I was working in schools for seven years, then a school counseling coordinator for a year. And what I want people to understand about this rebellion time in the teenage years is that it's critically important. This is a stage of development that is necessary, and everyone goes through it. From about 8 to 12 years old. If you're looking at Erikson's stages of development, 8 to 12 is around when we have our role that we're given in the family. Everybody has this unconscious job description. So a lot of times they'll be a good girl or a bad one. They'll be a smart one.

So when you say there's the black sheep of the family, that's actually kind of.

That can happen. Not in every family. But what I'm saying is in every family, we have roles. There might be a caregiver or a peacekeeper or the comedian. In every family, there's rules. From about 8 to 12 years old.

Okay.

Then from 13 to 18, there's this rebellion phase.

Yeah. It's called pubert.

Right. And literally, kids are testing am I who I am in my family or the opposite? Who am I in the world?

Okay.

So from 8 to 12, we're trying to figure out who we are in our family. From 13 to 18, we're looking at who am I in the world. Right. So this happens for everyone. And I see it a lot in the private practice where if I have parents who are really strict or trying to micromanage. We call them, like the helicopter parents. They're kids from 13 to 18. They might think that they're out of the woods and that their kids skipped the rebellion phase. But then they're just gonna rebel in their 20s and 30s. Yeah, they're not gonna skip it. They're gonna have to eventually figure out who they are in the world. And remember, brains aren't fully developed until about 30. So there's a lot of experimentation.

With most people, mind's still developing.

Right. But at about 30, our brains are fully developed in some schools of thought. And so just know that the rebellion phase.

That's the truth. I'm screwed.

The rebellion phase. Oh, you're fine. But it's going to happen. And so if you are trying to prevent it in that 13 to 18 age range, just know that at least in the 13 to 18 age range, they're under your roof. They're still in your supervision. I think of it as it's a safe space to Figure out who you are. Of course you want to have rules and boundaries and you're not letting your kids just get away with anything. But it's still normal for that age group. They're not doing anything wrong or bad. They're trying to figure out who they are in the world and if you prevent it. And I've seen it happen so much, especially the kids I started working with 10, 12 years ago in school is looking at them now. A lot of them are Facebook friends with me. I've seen some that actually kind of experimented in their 20s and made some bad decisions and had to figure it out when they were out on their own and as opposed to under their parents roof.

Do you find that a lot of parents are really trying to pigeonhole what they want their kids to be? And I think that's maybe part of what this email is like. It almost, it almost scares them. They don't want their child to be this way. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I think that anything that's going on from 13 to 18 probably isn't going to send. I can't say for sure whether or not it's a phase. I know I went through a year in high school where I did golf thing. I did a year in high school actually.

I remember that.

Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. Gary and I have known each other forever. Then I was a hippie for a year. I mean I tried on versions of myself. Yeah. Until I figured out who I was. And this is true for everyone. So just know that anything that you're trying to impose on your child they're probably gonna fight you on and it's not going to be a good thing. I mean, when I was a school counselor and we're trying to figure out what you're wanting to do after high school, there would be kids that I was going to do this because this is what my parents told me I had to do. Well, a lot of times they end up dropping out of college if they're not going to college for them because of the career that they're looking for. So they're going to eventually have to find their way on their own. And I think it's okay to give your opinions if your child is asking for it. If they're not asking, they're probably not going to hear you. It'll be like the Charlie Brown teacher.

Very true, very true.

But if they're asking, you can give them your opinion but then say whatever you do, I'm going to be proud of you. I think that's a line that is so important that kids need to hear from their parents. Whatever you do, I'm going to be proud of you. What do you want? What excites you? I remember I told my parents that I wanted to go to college for music therapy. That's my undergrad was in. And my father's like, well, what is that? Like, I don't even know what that is. Why would I pay for school? I don't even know what it is. So I took him to lunch and I talked to him about it, and I shared with him all the things that music therapists could do, and I basically enrolled him to, okay, all right, go, go, go do music therapy. But I think it's so important for parents to listen. I was really grateful my dad listened to what I had to say and what I was excited about. And if you listen and instead of trying to change your child, you're going to have much more success at staying close and connected to your child.

And no matter what, you know, and here's something to remember too. No matter, you know, what clothes they're wearing or how they do their hair or, you know, jewelry or whatever, they're still on the inside, at their core, the same person.

Yeah.

And a lot of, and a lot of people miss that. And, you know, they, you know, all of a sudden they start going into judgment themselves because, you know, the exterior changed. But at its. At the kid's core, the kid is still the kid. The same kid that, you know, that you've raised, you know, from, from birth up. So.

And it's true for adults, too. I mean, we're not the choices we're. We're making. We're making choices that are coping skills for the moment. And so I like what you're saying that, yeah, everyone is who they really are underneath all of whatever it is that they're doing on the outside. But I encourage communication. I have so many kids that I work with in the private practice that I've seen go through phases, incredibly successful, and they will cross that finish line. They will have success and find themselves eventually. And just know that what's happening right now is what happens to every single person on the planet. Your kid is not doing anything out of the norm. They're not an alien. This is what happens to all of us.

Either that or what you can do, parent that emailed us is you can start dressing like your teenager and think it's really cool and, you know, and play that role for about a week. And then all of a sudden they will absolutely change.

I don't know about that. Maybe, maybe not. But the thing about it is, is when your kids feel supported, it might change what they're doing. They might be acting out because they don't feel supported or because they're trying to be seen or heard. And the more supported they are, so the faster they'll find who they are.

Inspired results. Coach.com is the website. Rebecca Silence is in studio confession Tuesday. Another segment coming up next year on Kiss fm.