Confession Tuesday 4-8-14 "SHOULD I TELL ABOUT THE AFFAIR"

Sidekick search finalist Banna in studio. You can add her on all the social media. Just search for Banna on Kiss. And Rebecca Silence is here as well. A Confession Tuesday. And she's absolutely getting to see, like you can obviously see that Rebecca and I have been friends like since high school. Yeah. Sometimes the show behind the show is.

Yeah. You get to sit in on that.

Yeah. Yeah.

And what's funny is it's not changing.

No.

Because you're here.

Yeah. No, no, that's.

No, it's really.

Yeah. Well, hi. Welcome to Confession Tuesday. Yeah. So it is Confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. And you are, you're heading out of town, right, tomorrow?

Yep. I'm going to Denver to help with a life coach certification program.

Nice.

And my husband's actually participating in it.

Oh, wow.

Which is great. I don't think he actually wants to be a coach, but he wants to learn the skills, so that's exciting. So we'll be in Denver for the rest of the week.

So is it, is it the two of you or is your daughter going too?

No, Madison's not going. Nope. She's going to hang out with family.

So it's you and plus hubby.

Uh huh. Plus 15 or 16 other people.

I was going the romantic route and then you threw, then you threw like 15 or 16. I was like, wow.

This isn't necessarily a romantic trip.

Wow. Rebecca Silence. Little freaky deaky, deaky, deaky.

No, no, no.

Not good. It is a confession Tuesday. This is where local life coach Rebecca Silence helps you get through whatever was going on in your world. Go to CNY kiss.com, click on confession Tuesday on the left and tell us your story. And of course, if you want help on the, you know, whether it be privately or in a small group setting, whether it be children, individuals, couples, inspired results. Coach.com. are you ready?

I'm ready.

Okay. Dear Big Papa and Rebecca, A few years ago, I had an ongoing affair on my husband. When the long term affair ended, I admitted the entire thing to my husband and we began rebuilding our relationship to preserve our family. Recently, while out with my girls, I ran into the guy I had the affair with and couldn't help myself and slept with him. Now that I've processed everything mentally, I'm riddled with guilt. I don't want to lose my husband or my family. Should I tell my husband about my latest indiscretion?

So what I would be saying to you is what if you identified where this pattern is coming from? I think that what's really important is to determine, are you all in in the marriage, or are you one foot out the door, maybe not fulfilled, and actually wanting to move on. I think one of the worst things people can do is, is stay in a relationship for the kids if you're unhappy because the kids know it radiates off of you like the sun, that this isn't fulfilling and that I don't actually want to be in the relationship.

Even if you think you have a fantastic game face, children can see right through it. Am I wrong?

No, you're absolutely right. And we think we're great actors and actresses, but the kids read our energy and we all count. Right? I mean, if you're at work and there's someone who doesn't like you, they don't have to tell you, you know, and they might be smiling and playing the part, but your kids absolutely can tell if something's up. And the danger of that is that you're teaching them that the normal experience is to not be happy and put on a game face.

Yeah. The normal experience for what a marriage and a happy family for a husband, wife should be is whatever you are currently doing in front of your children.

Right. And think about it. If the goal is, let me just stay together as long as the kids are in the house, and then we'll see, split. What kind of a message is that to send to your kids? I was miserable because of you for this whole time you were in the house. It's dangerous situation.

And now that you're 18 and you're out, I'm out.

Right.

I'm cracking a joke.

But that, I mean, and it's a very serious situation. And a lot of people, they're doing their best to salvage the relationship for the kids. But what I'm saying is what your kids need is a parent who's solid and fulfilled. So if that means that you're not together, it's okay. They're going to respond to you. So if you're okay being apart, they're gonna be okay.

But I think that a lot of people that are in this kind of situation where it's a marriage, there's children involved, they're scared of breaking it up, whether it be individually, whether or not they can survive because they're just so used to it. That's just what, you know, that's. But that I guarantee that's part of.

And that's a whole nother conversation about codependence and not needing other people to be okay. You, of course, can be independent and Self sustaining without this person, that's a whole different conversation. But what I'm wanting to on the flip side point out is that I believe all relationships are repairable.

Right?

But both people have to be 100% committed to be in the relationship for the long haul, willing to repair whatever's in the way.

Okay, we, and we've, we've said that a bunch of times. Let me ask you this, and this is probably popped in my head, okay? Finances. You want to be able to provide for your children financially and even if you are together but unhappy, you're able to provide them with a better, I don't know whether it be better home or better, you know, more financially secure. Being able to do more things, being able to let them do more things because of that, that I think that factors in to this kind of situation as well as, you know, whether or not unhappy and stay or separate. I think the finances come to into that as well.

So I should stay in the relationship and be miserable because I can take you on more vacation.

I'm just, I'm just saying that's that.

I guarantee that's, I'm just saying it back. I mean think about it. Is that really the type of life that you want? And here's the deal, this is your life. You're not going to get the time back, right? So the days are going by, the weeks, the months, the years. And I am an example of someone who didn't necessarily think financially I could support my child on my own. But I've been doing it for seven years on my own financially. Now I'm recently married again and I have a co parent involved, which is great. I'm not a single mom anymore, but that experience taught me so much about what I'm capable of. And if I hadn't had the kind of getting thrown to figure this out, I wouldn't have known that I had that in me. So don't sell yourself short. People are amazing and resourceful and you don't have to hit rock bottom or a crisis to change your life. In this situation you have a lot of feedback that maybe something in your relationship isn't working right. And so either you're going to face that and do something about it to set your life up in a way that works, or you can ignore it and stay in this guilt ridden place. But what I'm suggesting is we don't have to be in a guilt ridden place. You can have a life you love. And it does take some work on the front end, some hard work. To repair what's not working and to start over if that's what's required here, or to repair the relationship if that's what you're wanting to do. But you can either do that hard work or ignore what needs to be dealt with and in five or ten years be in the same situation.

Okay, let me ask you this. The last question in the email said, should I tell my husband about the latest indiscretion? Is it depending upon, you know, does the person need to do soul searching before they really answer that question?

So my coaching is figure out what you're actually willing to do here. Figure out what you want before you tell him. Because just telling him out of guilt, that's not going to get anybody anywhere, right? And it can almost be just another distraction from dealing with whatever issues are going on in this relationship. So I would coach you to come to the table knowing what you actually want. Like I am ready to figure out how to make this relationship last and how to deal with this. Or I'm actually out. I'm complete with a relationship and I don't want to live a lie anymore. It's one or the other. So do some soul searching like you're suggesting and figure out what do I want? Where do I see myself in 10 years? Do I see myself with my partner? Do I see myself with someone else? Or do I see myself single? It's really important to have that conversation with yourself because ignoring the truth isn't going to change your life. It's going to keep you in this self inflicted hell and that doesn't have to be the case at all.

Local Life Coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com if you want to ask your question, tell us your story and and hear suggestions and some coaching next week at this time, go to cnykiss.com and make sure you add them on Facebook and on Twitter as well.

And here's what I want to leave you with. I believe that you can have a relationship that you love even if it's nothing you've ever seen before. You can create a relationship that's unique and that works for you, even if it's nothing like the models of what relationships you've seen in your past, but not if you can't imagine it for yourself. So start there. Imagine the type of relationship you want. Write it out. What I want my ideal relationship to look like and share it with your partner and see if they're on board.

Local Life Coach Rebecca Silence Confession Tuesday Great job as always.

Thanks everybody. Have a great week.

Travel safe.

Thank you.

And enjoy your husband and the other 15, 16 other people.

It'll be great. Okay, back to my hometown.

Coming up. Sidekick search up finalist Bana is going to take the Sidekick quiz and find out tomorrow. Now check this out. Tomorrow she is actually going to do a interview all by herself.

Yeah. And exciting.

She's gonna find out who she's interviewing. Coming up just a little bit.

Oh, great.

Nice.

Well, good luck to you, Banna.

Thank you. All right, we're breaking back. We pop in the morning Kiss FM on a confession Tuesday.