Confession Tuesday 5/10/16 CANT LEAVE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

The number one hit music station, 97-91-055 Kiss FM. Big Papa and banna in the morning. Confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca silence in studio. Good morning.

Good morning.

So here's how we roll on a confession Tuesday. Rebecca is a life coach. Pretty much whatever it is in life that you want, it is obtainable.

Absolutely. My taglines make the impossible possible. It just starts with clarity and knowing what it is that you want.

And it doesn matter what we're talking about. It doesn't matter if it's family, doesn't matter if it's career, doesn't matter if it's relationship, parenting stuff with siblings.

Where are you stuck? Yeah, that's what we look at, where you feel stuck. And then I support you in moving out of any type of suffering and into inspiration and the inspired results that you want.

And it doesn't necessarily have to be stuck. It could be something like a drama or a situation, whatever it is. Whatever it is. And you go to cnykiss.com and click on the icon and submit your story confidentially. And we handle it here confidentially on the air every Tuesday morning. So you ready for the email?

I am.

Okay, here we go. Dear Rebecca, I have recently gone through a very bad two year relationship with a man who was very abusive physically, mentally and emotionally. I recently found out that he's been cheating with a female almost half his age. Throughout our relationship. I was there for him no matter what and stuck by his side. He moved in December to supposedly make a better life for us and our kids. I went down at the end of March for a week and a half to make sure it was a move I wanted to make. I decided it was coming home. I found out that he been seeing a couple females on different dating websites. He was also seeing a female since he got down there, the female he is with now. While I was there visiting, I found out that he had taken a picture in my truck of herself. Very disrespectful and skanky. My children are always in that car. So I came back home and was so I came back home and was still willing to work things out. I've been going through a lot of mood swings and crying awful lot because although he did what he did throughout our relationship, he has my heart. When I got home, I found out more and stopped talking to him for a couple weeks and he's called and texted and so has his new thing to start some drama. I'm trying to stay focused and be about my kids, but it hurts and I Feel like I'm gonna break. What should I do?

Thank you for writing this email. The first thing I would invite you to consider is that other people's behavior is a reflection of them and not a reflection of you. All right, so you sticking around is a reflection of you. What he does is his business. But what I'm hearing is that this person doesn't have the capacity to give you what you're looking for. I'm hearing that you know what you want in terms of being treated with respect, trust, monogamy. This person doesn't sound like that. Something that he wants, too. So there's a Maya Angelou quote that says, when people show you who they are, believe them the first time if you're gonna stick around and expect him to be different. And then my fear would be that if he doesn't change, I don't want you to make that about your worth somehow.

Right.

Because it has nothing to do with that.

Maybe this time it'll be different. Maybe this time it'll be different.

Maybe I'll be enough for him to stop hitting me and emotionally abusing me and cheating on me. Wait a minute. You need to be enough to where you don't stand in the middle of the road and hope that you don't get run over by the. You need to be enough to where you say, actually, I want something different than this. In my space, you're choosing the dynamic. And you have children that are watching you, and they're learning what's acceptable and what's not and what's normal and what's not and what you value yourself as, as a woman. They're watching you. So one of the things that I say is that all relationships are repairable as long as there is no abuse or addiction. And both people are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. It sounds like in this case, we've got some situations and circumstances where I would actually coach you to move on immediately. And whatever support you need to make that happen, I would find it. Locally, we have an awesome organization called the YWCA that helps women in domestic violence situations get set up and get safe. You know, if you're local here in Utica, that is a place that you can contact the YWCA and we can post the contact information online for you after the segment. You're worth so much more than hoping that you don't get hurt emotionally and physically. And at this point, you're in the driver's seat of what you will and won't put up with. And then if you are putting up with being disrespected, I would invite you to look at why. Of course, there's probably in your childhood somewhere you saw women getting disrespected, but that doesn't have to be true for you. And then again, what he's doing doesn't have anything to do with your worth. You're the one that calls the shots in terms of your value. You're the one that raises the bar or not.

So what happens when. And I don't know, you know, I'm just, I'm taking a guess. Okay. But I've heard about similar situations and whatnot, where the guy comes back and says, I'm real sorry, I'll be different this time. I really, I love you. I, I, you know, there's, there's, you know, just saying all the right things and being, you know, the guy that she hopes that he'll be all the time to. How is it, how can you break away from, you know what I'm saying? Because.

Right.

That's what gets. That's what ends up sucking people back in. Absolutely. Is, is, is that, is that, is that, is that conversation?

Absolutely. And truth is, he probably does want to do different. Right. He's probably not happy about the choices he's making and not knowing how to handle his emotions. Potentially there is some type of alcohol or substance abuse going on as well. And if that's happening, that makes this even more complicated and difficult. And, you know, words absolutely hold no weight. So I would invite you to consider that. What he's saying, fine, but what's he doing about it? Is he in some type of anger management or rehab or intensive therapy where he's working on where his issues are coming from so that he can replace these behaviors with healthier choices? I would be saying I need to see you working on yourself for six months to a year before I even consider what you're trying to say to me. And then know that he's going to do whatever he's going to do with or without you. So you can't force someone to be different so that they can be with you. And then why would you want to. He's showing you where he's at. And then there's, you know, a high probability that you've outgrown that dynamic. And then if you haven't, you'll just repeat it with somebody else. So other people's words, fine, but what are they doing to back that up? And what they're doing is really going to show you what they're committed to.

Actions speak louder than words, way more.

Than what they say. And then you deserve more than just. And I'm sorry here, you deserve to be treated with respect. But you're in the driver's seat.

Absolutely. And just like Rebecca said, you are showing your children what a relationship should be like.

And then the last thing I want to say about this, you know, I, in my first marriage was in a domestic violence situation with somebody dealing with addiction who hit me. And what was up with me at the time was just fear of really owning the truth about what was happening. It was easier to pretend like it wasn't as bad as it was because I didn't want to have to deal with all of the getting out and getting on my feet and being a single mother. But the truth doesn't go away until you handle it. So the truth isn't your fault. It's just, this is where we are, and if we ignore it, it could snowball and get even worse. So in the very beginning, when I was going through a similar situation, it was hard to get real about what was happening, but the only way out was for me to get real and to get some serious support. And you have the ability to do that, too. We'll post the YWCA information online. Any other questions, don't hesitate to contact me. But I also encourage you to get a therapist or a mentor or a coach and start working on why would you be willing to put up with this type of treatment, and what do you need to make sure it never happens again.

The phone number for The YWCA is 732-2159, 732-2159. And their website is ywca mv.org so ywca mohawk valley, ywca mv and thank you so much.

And you're either taking action towards repeating these patterns in your life or breaking through them for you and your kids. And I encourage you, you know, step into your courage and take action so that these patterns can be done and you and your children can be safe in a healthy environment.

She's life coach Rebecca Silence. This is Confession Tuesday. If you have a question or a dilemma, go to cnykiss.com and submit your question or your concern confidentially. And of course, you can go to Rebecca's website as well, which is inspired results. Coach.com Rebecca, thank you so much.

Thank you. You can like Rebecca's silence of inspired results on Facebook. Send me your questions. Go to cnykiss.com Send us your questions. We love hearing from you.

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