Confession Tuesday 5-12-15 "Married and Unhappy"

Inspired results. Coach.com it is a confession. Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca Silence. You are available for school talks, corporate trainings, and there's a lot of. You'll come in and speak on and help train on a lot of different subjects.

Yeah. And you can see on the website what some of those topics are. Last week, I was at Barringer Road elementary in Ilion with 500 elementary kids doing my assertiveness training, which is where I teach the difference between passive communication, aggressive communication, and assertive communication, where they're respecting themselves and other people. And then last week, I was also at Proctor doing a academic success workshop for parents, how to help your children be successful academically. Last night, I was at Proctor doing a parent workshop on improving parent and teacher communication. And then I believe it's the 27th of May, I'll be at Proctor doing a parent workshop on what to expect all four years of high school. What should be happening in 9th grade, 10th grade, 11th grade, 12th grade. My past is as a school counselor, school counseling coordinator. So I love going into schools. Absolutely love it. And then, yes, I also do corporate trainings, and there are videos and descriptions on the website.

Yep. Team building and, you know, avoiding office drama.

Yeah. And it's a lot about communication.

Absolutely.

Communication can solve almost any problem.

So details on that inspired results. Coach.com but here on the radio on a Tuesday, Rebecca takes your questions. And for free and confidentially, we handle them here on the air. Are you ready?

I'm ready.

Okay. This is gonna be a little scattered, so I apologize in advance. Dear Rebecca, I'm married and I had kids at a young age, and maybe I'm going through a growth spurt, actually. I think if I wasn't actually married and my kids weren't a factor, I would have walked away for no reason. He's good to me for the most part. I feel so guilty about feeling this way. I'm not sure I want to be in this relationship anymore, and I really don't know why.

Thank you so much for this honest and brave email. I think what you're going through is absolutely normal. Absolutely normal. I think what happens in our society is that we think relationships are codependent and that that's love. We think that when people kind of wrap their lives into one another's lives and mesh themselves into each other's, that that's normal and that's love. And so I think what happens is codependence because it's what we know, and then they get sick of it. Right. So when you're wondering, why is this happening? I've been in this relationship for a long time. Why would I want to walk away? Well, in my experience, when a relationship is codependent, people tend to lose their identity.

Okay, so explain for people who don't, who may not know when a relationship is codependent, what does that mean?

So when a relationship is codependent, what I'm suggesting is people absolutely lose their identity because codependence means my happiness depends on you. Your happiness depends on me. Everything you do affects me. Everything I do affects you. Codependence is where we're all wrapped up in each other.

So instead, so instead of. And I think everybody has a friend like this. Where. Instead of. I'm going to use you and I as an example. Banna. So instead of, oh, let's, you know, it's Gary or Banna. It's Gary and Banna. A lot of people just like, lump it together.

Well. And a lot of people don't know how to maintain their independence in a relationship.

Okay.

They think I can either be independent or. Or have a relationship. This is what I see in my office all the time with my couples. Okay, so the alternative, right, if we think of codependence, it's like one plus one equals one. There's me, there's you, there's a relationship, and it's all the same thing, right? And co dependence, as opposed to one plus one equals three. There's me, there's you, there's the relationship. There's three separate entities. I'm 100% responsible for me, you're 100% responsible for you. And together we're 50, 50% responsible for the relationship. That's the opposite. That's what people have never learned how to do. That's what I teach in my office. That's what I'm doing with couples, which is really.

It seems easier to do when it's just the two individuals, but when you add kids in, that makes it even harder, right?

Maybe, maybe not. In my experience, everyone's codependent. I've never met someone that isn't. I haven't. And you're either pregnant or you're not pregnant, Right? It's like you're codependent or you're not.

For the record, I am not pregnant.

There's no, you know, I'm more or less codependent. If you are worried about how your behavior affects somebody else, that's codependent thought. You're not that powerful to have your behavior affect someone else. So back to the email. What I'm wanting this listener to consider is it's totally normal if she's invested herself in this relationship and her family, to maybe have felt like she lost herself a little bit and to unconsciously maybe think the only way to get back herself would be to bail on the relationship. So what if that doesn't have to be the case? What if it's not? I'm either independent or, or in a relationship. What if those aren't the only options right in my office? What I do with couples. I do a full day with me of a couples intensive. I do couples coaching. We teach people how to maintain their independence, set their lives up so that they're happy and keep the relationship. So you may or may not want to do that. But what I know is that when you're wanting to run away because of some fear or drama going on in you, the problem follows you. So in my experience, it's always about making sure you're figuring out what this issue and trigger is for you before you leave the relationship. Because we haven't given your husband an opportunity to show up in the way you actually need him to yet.

Now when you went, you went from, you know, talking about this woman, talking about leaving the marriage, not being happy. He really hasn't done anything wrong, but it's still, you know, there. What about people that are in a relationship and feels stagnant or it feels like the spark is gone?

Yeah.

Is that all classified in?

Sure. And just remember that all we know for relationship is what we saw our parents do. It doesn't matter what we saw other people do. Other our friends, parents, our teachers, you know, extended family members. What we learn about relationship in terms of what's normal for us is what we watched our parents do. And they become like our relationship gurus. This is what happens between men and women. This is what happens in relationships. And it becomes like a self inflicted glass ceiling. And you don't have to believe me, check it out for yourself. But I've never met anyone who didn't play out the dynamics of their parents marriage in their own.

Wow.

I have never met anyone who didn't play out the dynamics from their parents marriage in their own marriage.

There are people driving to work right now, thinking, just taking that statement and thinking about it like, oh my God, you're right.

And then both parties are bringing to the table all the stuff they saw. Not good or bad. But we just learned this is what happens. This is how it works. It's all unconscious. So in my office. I'm helping people get conscious to what they're playing out unconsciously. And then, yeah, this guy isn't a bad guy. But when it's getting stale and getting stagnant, just ask yourself, am I just afraid of stale and stagnant because I thought my parents marriage was stale and stagnant and I don't want that. Right. Again, it gets really fear based around what we think we want and don't want based on what we saw. And it inevitably gets played out until we decide I'm gonna do something different.

So what is like a hot tip for, for this woman?

Yeah. So a hot tip is get a coach or a therapist and figure out what it is that you're wanting and how you can set that up for yourself with or without your husband. Right. That would be the opposite of codependence. If I can only do it with him or only do it without him, it's codependent because I'm all wrapped up in him to make my decision. You can have a relationship and your independence and you don't have to believe me. Check it out for yourself. You can have your marriage however you want, regardless of what you've seen done before. I'm someone who has set that up with my husband. It's not easy because you have to get through all of your fears, all of your triggers, all the things you didn't like about what you saw and be real about that. But then you have a blank canvas and you can create a marriage just the way you want it.

Vocal life coach Rebecca Silence on a Confession Tuesday. If you have a question for Rebecca, you can go to cnykiss.com and submit your story. We'll take care of it. And every Tuesday here on the air. And of course, inspired results. Coach.com Absolutely awesome stuff.

Thanks everyone. Have a great week.

Absolutely.

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