Confession Tuesday 5-12-15 "Trouble Being A Step Mom"

Local life coach Rebecca Silence in studio. Good morning.

Good morning.

All right, so this is how we roll on a Tuesday. We're going up on a Tuesday. People go to cnykiss.com and pretty much tell their story. What's going on in your world? What's going on? It doesn't matter if it's family. It doesn't matter if it's husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend. Doesn't matter. Has to do with the children. Doesn't matter if it's professional, you know, stuff with your parents, what's causing you.

Stress in your life.

Yeah. And that's. And that's the thing. It could be anything. It could be anything. And this is what you do. This is, you know, this is, this is, you know, you've helped so many people, and this is a chance for, you know, you to get helped here on the air and do it confidentially and help so many more people while.

Doing it absolutely right. Because your problem, you may feel alone, but you're not. And my job is to help people design their lives on purpose, the way they want, even if they've never seen it done before. And especially if they've never seen it done before. If you know you want something, you can have it. And then I just help people get out of the way to create the goal.

And people are like, I want this, but there's no way that can happen. That's not the case.

Be careful what you want to be right about because what if you could get the goal and we can't coach ourselves? Right. Everyone that is successful that I've ever met has a coach, a therapist, a mentor. And so it's someone that's just objective and can kind of hold up a mirror to help you see what's in the way so that you can cross that finish line.

Absolutely. So go to cnykiss.com go to the left hand side. There's a confession Tuesday banner. Click on it, submit your story, and we handle it here. And of course, if you want details on Rebecca, go to. Inspired results coach.com. here is the first email. It's a little long winded, so stay with me here. All right. Dear Rebecca, I'd like some input on second marriages and stepchildren and disciplining. I was told to treat my stepchildren as I would my own. Well, as soon as there was an issue, that theory went out the window. There's a serious rift with my husband's oldest son. It was only him and his father for nine years. He had a few girlfriends, but nothing serious. Leading to marriage, but usually lengthy. And my stepson hated every one of them. I refused to live in filth or disrespect. Both. He gives overdoses of. He's 19, wasn't going to school or working. Expecting everything done handed to him. I told my husband no. We both agreed for a long time that if you're not going to school full time, you're working and paying rent, minimum, of course, but something. He claimed he couldn't find a job, but we find him one within half an hour. Everything I'm. Everything is I'm too hard, I expect too much. My rules are, if you make it, make a mess, clean it. If you empty it, throw it away, clean up after yourself, take care of your room, do your laundry. Simple things. Yet he consistently doesn't pick up this pastime. Dah, dah dah dah, du du du. To do smokes in his room. Told him many times, not allowed each do, do, do. Each time I take a picture show my husband, he gets upset. I'll talk to him, he always says, but nothing is ever done. I'm so stressed out and upset, but still nothing. To this point, he and I can't be in the same room together. I can't stand the blatant disrespect and I cannot say anything and nothing gets done. It's been three years now. Can you help me?

Wow. Thank you for this email. I can personally relate on the level of being a step parent and then being in a second marriage where I am now married to a step parent. My first marriage, I had a stepson, and I can remember that power struggle and just consider the possibility that that's a normal part of blended families coming together and integrating, there will be a power struggle. Right? Just like in any relationship, what I ended up doing with my stepson was I sat him down and I said, I want you to know that I will never try to replace your mom. I'm here for you, I care about you, I love you. I. But I'm never gonna try to replace your mom. When I had that conversation with him, power struggle diffused. It was like the balloon popped. It was really interesting. I'm not sure this is an older stepchild, if a similar conversation would be helpful, but what I know for sure is if you're trying to be right and if you're trying to win, you will lose, right? And it seems like that's what's happening. You continue to try to win the power struggle, it's not working. So anytime something isn't working. We need a new strategy. So we have issue of the dynamic between you and your stepson. We have the issue of the dynamic between you and your husband.

Right.

These are two different issues. When my current second husband and I got together and he became a step parent, I as the parent was very clear with him about what my expectations were. I'm the disciplinarian, let me be the bad cop. Your job is to just be unconditionally loving and that's it.

Right.

If I'm not around and you have to discipline, I understand that. But for the most part, let me be the bad cop and the disciplinarian. And so one of the things that I encourage people to do is get ahead of these issues, talk about them before there's a big blow up or things have escalated. Talk about them when it's calm, when it's cool, when everything is going well so that you have a plan when the inevitable occurs. Because it will.

Right.

There's going to be, especially with a blended family. We've had nine years where this father and son had their way. It worked. Now all of a sudden there's a new dynamic. There's a new that has different ways of doing things. Of course there will be some uncomfortability and some, you know, of an issue that will arise because of that. So back to you and your stepson and then we'll talk about you and your second husband. Number one. He is at this age and stage in his life where his job is to test boundaries with or without having a step parent being his reality. Right. He's supposed to be testing boundaries at this age. If they're not doing it in their teens, they will be in their 20s and their 30s. In my experience, it's better to let your kids fail. Let your kids kind of act out while they're still safe under your roof. And then when they're in their 20s and 30s, they've kind of gotten through some of that rebellion phase.

Sure.

Now you also have options here, right? You're not stuck. You don't have to live in a dynamic that doesn't work for you. But I want you to think about what's the energy you're bringing to the table. If you're doom and gloom, annoyed, irritated every time you're walking around that house, you're only feeding this fire of conflict. So you can be asking yourself, is what I'm doing and saying actually contributing to the problem or making it better? And anytime you're trying to fight and win, you're Contributing to the drama. Okay? And you don't have to believe me. You can check it out for yourself. Now, it doesn't excuse bad behavior. It doesn't excuse bad behavior. But you only have control over whether or not you're bringing more stress into your life, right? So your job is to see your son, right, your stepson and your husband as winning and love them through this, or you don't have to stick around. So you have options. You have choices to make, and you're never stuck. I would encourage your husband to be the one that is kind of laying the smack down with his kid. Anytime you're trying to. It doesn't sound like he's hearing you. It doesn't sound like it's.

It sounds like she has asked him to. And he's either not following through or just blatant, like, you know, in one ear, out the other kind of a deal, right?

And it sounds like there may be some rescue going on in terms of this kid isn't working. The parents are the ones finding the job for him. And just remember, anytime you're trying to save someone from themselves, they will kick you. They will resent being treated like this victim who needs saving eventually, and it'll blow up. So I would encourage you to kind of put it all back onto your husband and then get really clear with these two about how much you love them and then about what you're needing and expecting in terms of being a part of this family. And then if things aren't changing, you have options. But beating your head against a wall and trying to make people change because they're falling short and screwing up is only going to hurt the entire family unit. So your stepson is actually doing what he's supposed to in terms of pushing boundaries and limits. He doesn't owe you any. Make it more attractive for him to want a relationship with you. If you're constantly all over him, that's not very attractive. Why would he want a relationship with you? So I would encourage you to make it attractive for him to have a relationship with you. Be a confidant, be a safe space, and let your husband do the dirty work. In terms of this dynamic with your husband. You know, I encourage people, as you're blending families again, to have a conversation beforehand before everyone's under the same roof. What works for you? How do you handle score? How do you handle when kids are sick? How do you handle when they don't follow the rules? How do you handle setting up rules at all? Right. Because I was the same Way I was a single mom from the time My daughter was 2. And then my husband and I got married when she was 7. That's a long time to have it all my way.

Right.

I'm not used to sharing, I'm not used to consulting. Now I have a baby with this man and I've never co parented before in my life. I've never had to decide together how things are going to go. I'm actually enjoying it very much. But I got used to to it's my way and that's that it's my kid, it's my way. I love that you're here, I love that you're a part of this family. But it's my rules, it's my kid, used to be my philosophy. And so when you're blending families, it's important to talk about those things. What's your philosophy on discipline? What's your philosophy on parenting? A lot of times people don't have these conversations until you're in the middle of the drama and that's only gonna make it worse because now you're already all charged up, right. And it's hard to be clear and solution focused when you're in the middle of it. So try have some conversations ahead of time about what it is that you do, what they do and then you can find a plan that works together. In parenting, I like to have consequences set up ahead of time. So there's expectations, here's the rules and then here's the consequence. And so what I mean by that, it's like, alright, if you're gonna smoke in your room, I'm gonna take off the door. So if they're smoking, there doesn't even need to be a conversation. The door comes off. Right. You can do things where you're consistently following through on what was already discussed so that the kid is actually choosing into the consequence.

Same time. And we have to wrap this up in a second. He's 19.

I got it. The kid is 19, he's still under their roof. So if he's choosing to be dependent on his parents, he's still acting like a child. So if you're gonna act like a child, you're going to be treated like one. I mean, this is the way I would be handling this kid and let him know you can do whatever you want, but when you do, here's the consequence and then it's putting it back on him. Right. So this is for that father, not the stepmother. Because if you're that bad cop again, I don't anticipate that working out very well.

Right.

So I would be putting this back on your husband and then I would just be really honest about, you know what? I'm actually fighting for this family. I love you both. I want our family to work and I'm not okay with how things have been going. I know this can be better for all of us. And here are some ideas. Husband, I'd love you to take over with discipline. Stepson, I love you. And I'm just. I'm gonna step away from being the disciplinarian. And then as a united front, you and your husband, I would suggest that you come up with some clear expectations with clear consequences. Explain them to this son so that he's choosing into the consequences and you're no longer the bad guy.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com she is available for corporate speaks and schools details of course. Inspiredresultscoach. Com Another question on confession Tuesday coming up next here on KISS fm.