Confession Tuesday 5-20-14 "SECRET WEDDING AND BREAK UP"

Big papa and bana. It's 7 22, mostly sunny, high 72. Right now we are at 44 degrees. And when I think turned down for what I think Rebecca silence. I. I think of Rebecca silence. See, people. Don't. People have this, like, misconception number one. Good morning.

Good morning.

I think that people have this conception or, you know, pre. Predisposition, you know, of you. That you. You know, you are just this. You're just, you know, you are just the life coach that you don't have, like, an off time where you're just, like, quote unquote, a normal person because. Because of what you do, but you absolutely do.

I do pop in the morning. No, I do. Absolutely. It was so nice we all got to go out to dinner on Friday night. That was great.

Well, that's. I mean, that's. That's kind of the. The, you know, there's that layer of it, and there's like, you just getting to enjoy, you know, enjoy everything. It's not like, you know, everywhere you go, you try to solve people's problems, and you're not that person at all.

Right.

It's your job. But, you know, you're able to, you know, take your hat off at the end of the day, if you will, and. And do the family thing or the friend thing and go out and enjoy and do everything in anything.

Absolutely. There's an off duty.

There's a. There's an off duty Rebecca. There's a difference between Rebecca and Rebecca silence.

Okay, See, yeah, I'm still me everywhere I go, but there are times that I love to.

Well, just like there's just like there's a difference between Gary and big Papa. There's a difference between Rebecca and Rebecca silence. Just like there's a difference between Banna and Banna on Kiss.

Bana and Brianna.

Yeah.

You forgot my real name, didn't you? Stop. He did.

No, I.

He did. He was like, oh, ban on kiss. I'm just gonna say banana on kiss because I can't remember her real.

See, what she does. See, it's not even. It's not even like, we're not even. We're not even two full weeks in. Not even two full weeks in. All right, so here's how we roll here at a confession Tuesday logo Life coach Rebecca silence is just that. A life coach. And what you do is you go to cnykiss.com and you tell us your story. We will keep it anonymous, and Rebecca will feel the question right here on the spot. She has no idea what the question is coming at her and it's going to help you get out of your own way and doing so. We're going to help so many others.

Absolutely.

So this email is. And of course if you want to get a hold of Rebecca for any type of any type of service, any type of group setting, you know, if you're employer, if you have, you know, team building stuff like that, absolutely inspired results. Coach.com email goes like this Dear Rebecca, My boyfriend and I split the due to irreconcilable differences. We had been engaged in the eyes of our friends and family, but secretly married for about five years. We don't have any bad blood between us and we are still friends with all the same people. However, I see a certain set of our friends more often than he does due to schedules. Since we're having a very secret divorce, I'm very wary about dating or even flirting with guys around our shared friends and due to the fact that they were friends with him first and I feel like they will tell him everything I do, it makes meeting people really hard and I feel like I'm missing out on some potentially amazing opportunities. Most recently I was at a sushi restaurant and locked eyes with someone for a few seconds. Something that normally would cause me to walk over and introduce myself. However in this case I felt like if I did so would word spread quickly and feelings would get hurt. I've always put other feelings, I have always put others feelings first and now I feel like it's time for me to be put first. How do I start dating without coming off as a heartless person?

This is a great email. Thank you so much. The first thing that I want you to think about is what's with all the secrets? Where did that start? Why is it happening and how does it serve you? You know a lot of people, you're not alone here. Listener that wrote the email have secrets. They have all kinds of things that they think the world shouldn't have to know about or that it would be a slander to their reputation if people knew. But here's my experience, the truth comes out in the end anyway, right? We're never really protecting ourselves by holding onto these secrets. You're only holding on to suffering when you're holding onto these secrets. And that's not to say that the whole world needs to know your business.

Yeah, there's definitely a fine line.

Absolutely. But if you're holding on to fear of getting found out around anything, get a therapist, get a coach and deal with whatever that issue is because that issue will run your life until you handle it within yourself. So I'm just saying the first thing is that interesting, you guys have had a secret marriage for five years. Now you're concerned about dating friends or people in your same circle because you don't want certain things getting found out. So it sounds like there's a pattern here. And what if it doesn't matter if you get found out? Like, what if being yourself, you know, my little mantra to myself is, here's me on a platter, take it or leave it.

Right.

You know, and really that's what I say to myself because I know that 50% of the world is going to make people right, and 50% of the world is going to make people wrong. So here's me on a platter, take it or leave it. And it doesn't mean that I don't care about other people, but other people's opinions are just that, it's an opinion. So, you know, one of my old mentors used to say, quit making people's opinions a fact.

Okay?

It's an opinion.

Yeah.

It's not a fact. And we make it a fact that, oh my gosh, if this person thinks this about me, it must be true. It's an opinion.

Right?

So make your opinion a fact. And everybody else's opinions not as important as yours.

Well, obviously she. This person cares what people think. And a lot of times people do, you know, value their friends, opinions and whatnot. So that's. That's a fine line. And sometimes it's. It's tough to, you know, do what you feel is right. But at the same time, I don't want to say pacify, but you're. Let me say it this way. Your friends will still be your friends no matter what. And I think people forget that.

And if they're not, they never were in the first place.

Right.

You know, if people are going to go away because they don't agree with what you're doing. I remember when I was moving to Vegas with. With a boy, my best friend. She was not approving of the relationship at all, made it very clear. And then she said, but you know what, Rebecca? I'm going to support you no matter what. And I know whatever happens, you're going to be okay. And you know, when. When it doesn't work out, if it doesn't work out, give me a call. And that's exactly what happened. Didn't work out. She flew to Vegas. We left together. But I didn't need her to give me approval for me to make my decision. And I really appreciated that she could be honest and then supportive at the same time.

Okay, so let me ask you this. This person who has everyone thinks that they've been engaged forever, but they've actually been married, and they're in the process of getting unmarried and divorced or whatever, but nobody knows about it, quote, unquote. If that's the case and they are breaking up, at some point they're gonna move on. You know, at some point it's gonna have to happen. So what? Obviously, it sounds like timing may be an issue or just feeling comfortable doing it. What kind of homework can you sound like?

Authenticity is an issue.

Okay, what does that mean?

It means being your real self seems to be the biggest problem. So, you know, at some point, either the lies are gonna keep building on themselves and eventually sounds like they have already, right? And either it's gonna keep going, potentially blow up, or you could start getting real now. And so here's the thing. The right guy, just like your friends, if they're gonna go away, they were already gone. The right guy is going to be able to work with you building a solid foundation. So any new relationship you're starting, I just want you to be careful about going down the same old path of it's not built on honesty. This next relationship, you have an opportunity to build it on honesty. You have an opportunity to have a solid foundation this time and come clean, not necessarily with the entire world, but at least with this person, so that you're not repeating the same old patterns.

P.S. at some point is coming out. At some point, no matter how good you are, it's going to happen. It's going to come out. At some point, you might as well just. You might as well just run through, you know, run through hell, get it done, and just move on and be. And that way you have a clean slate to move on to. Right?

And why live in a world where you're hoping every night when you go to bed that you don't get found out? Right. I mean, it just doesn't have to be that way.

Right.

And so I'm just saying that in this next experience of a relationship, try being 100% honest and see if that helps this next relationship last longer.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com email bigpapnykiss.com go to cnykiss.com click on confession Tuesday. Tell your story and we'll handle it free and confidentially on the air. More Confession Tuesday coming up next.