Confession Tuesday 5-27-14 "EX SENDING DIRTY TEXTS"

It is a confession. Tuesday CNY Kiss.com you tell us your story. You tell us what's going on in your world. Doesn't matter if it's big or small. And life coach Rebecca Silence will handle it right here on the radio. Free and confidentially. If you have a business, if you are a manager, if you want team building or communication skills, if you want Rebecca to help your organization in any way, shape or form. Inspired results coach also if you if the the Radiance getaway sounds awesome, make sure you keep checking inspired results and also like them on Facebook as well because the details will be coming through. Are you ready for the next email?

Yeah.

All right. Dear Rebecca, my ex girlfriend has been with a new guy for a year and she got with him when we were still together. But in the past few months, she's been sending me naughty text messages. I don't want any part of it because she dumped me. So I don't respond. Should I tell my ex's new boyfriend that she's sending me these dirty messages? Shouldn't this guy know that he cannot trust her?

This is a great email. So, you know, what should people know? I mean, I don't know if you should know what, what is happening before being told, except for the fact that their relationship started in a similar way. So I think he already has all the he needs knowing what she's capable of because that's how their relationship started in the first place. So he's obviously capable of the same thing because that's how it started and he knew that she was in a relationship. Now, I'm not making this wrong or bad that they started their relationship the way that they did. It happens all the time.

But if you start a relationship that way, the tendency is that, you know, another relationship, if she did it to somebody else, you know, to get to you, she'll probably do it to you to get to somebody else. And it could be roles reversed, you know, guys doing it to girls. So really one person doing it to another person, you know, the pattern is just there now, right?

And it's an exit strategy. Right. And a lot of people think that they need an exit strategy to their relationships. Instead of just having an honest conversation, they have to have a reason to blow it all up. So a lot of people default to this, finding somebody else, having them in their back pocket while they're transitioning out of an old relationship. So that's just one exit strategy. And if people haven't done any work on themselves to figure out why that's their particular exit strategy, they will repeat it. Absolutely. And again, isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I think the real question for you, listener who wrote the email is how would you want to be treated in the same situation? Right? I mean, this is a very difficult scenario because this isn't your job to rescue this guy. It isn't your job to. To make him wake up to the relationship that he's in. He knows he chose into it. He knows how it started in the first place. So the real question, anytime that you're wanting to help someone or save them, is, is this my need or is this going to be for the greater good of all people here involved? Right. Because a lot of times it's just the person's individual need, right. And they're not necessarily thinking about how it's going to impact everyone else.

Is it, is it bad where I'm just like, leave it alone, Just ignore it. Let it, you know, let it, you know, let it play itself out. Because here's the deal. He's the ex, you know, the guy who writing the email is the ex. He's the guy that got cheated on. So if he goes to the new boyfriend and says, hey, you know, it's it number one, it creates a lot more drama than, you know, anyone really needs, you know, depending upon if he wants to get away from it or not. And you know, it's going to call his credibility out as well because look, look at who the source is. Well, you know what I'm saying.

I do. But there's something about this where he wants to be involved. Right. Because he hasn't blocked her. He hasn't totally stopped her from texting him in the first place.

He's still getting dirty text messages. Of course he.

Right. So there's part of him that isn't quite wanting to separate himself from the scenario. So you're saying leave it alone. I'm saying figure out why you're still attached in the first place. Like, why are you in the middle of the road hoping you're not going to get run over? Like, get out of the middle of the road, block her number, maybe even set a boundary and say, I need you to stop sending these text messages or I'm going to be forwarding them to the boyfriend. I mean, you haven't set any boundaries. You haven't set it up where you're in leadership. You're totally at the effect of her. So a cool strategy for you would be make sure that you're not at the effect of a Woman, make sure that you're in leadership of your own experience. Because you're not in this case.

Right.

And there might be a part of you that wants revenge. I would look at that. If you're ever acting out of that need for revenge, it will blow up later. The revenge piece doesn't actually create the satisfaction if you're going for revenge. It'll just keep the game alive. It'll keep blowing up. So be careful if you're wanting revenge. And don't be afraid to stand up to this girl. Don't be afraid to say, hey, I need this to stop. And if you're really wanting it to continue, just get honest with yourself about that. Like get real about the fact that, huh, there must be something going on here where I'm not wanting to end it. And then look at that. Get a coach, get a therapist. Look at why you were even in the situation in the first place where you got cheated on. Just look at what's going on with you. Cause that's all you have control over. And then get that you don't ever have to be a part of a relationship. Whether our lies are cheating. Right now at this point, it's not even your relationship, but you're involving yourself there.

It takes two to tango. And you know, very rarely will someone send something where you know, it's not mutual or you know, or wanted or you know, because that's, you know, it's not like, oh, hey, I'm just. And all of a sudden, random text message and it's something of that nature. You know what I'm saying? There's, there's build up to that. So it's not, you know, he's trying to, the, the email is trying to make it out like it's all her, but he's got to have a little back and forth.

Can I say it a different way?

Yeah.

So there has to be something going on with him where he's trained her to think it's okay.

Okay.

Right. So I would just say it that way because maybe there's been build up in conversation, but maybe not. She just might think that she can get away with it, which is in fact the case here.

Right.

If he's not shutting it down, but blocking her from his phone, having a conversation with her, then she's right, she can get away with it. So just remember that you teach people how to treat you. And if you want to be treated a different way, then you need to take leadership and stand up for yourself. And not in a way that's insulting to other people because she's not wrong or bad. It's just she's trying to see where this relationship still is. So if you're wanting something other than what's happening, you've got to be the one to take a stand and. And speak up instead of just letting all these things happen to you.

So is that the homework? Just to have putting your foot down in some way, shape or form?

Right. Making it clear where you're coming from instead of crossing your fingers and hoping that people guess right? Because they won't. They're never gonna guess right. So you have to stand up for you or no one else will. So this idea of just letting it go, I'm not a big fan of. If you haven't looked at yourself and gotten your own lesson from the experience and you don't have to be a part of this at all. So if you are still a part of it, just get that you want to be. You must want to be. And as soon as you don't want to be a part of it anymore, you won't.

Local life coach Rebecca silence. Inspired results. Coach.com Add her on Facebook and on Twitter and check out the website as well. Awesome job as always.

Thanks, everybody. Have a great week.

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