A listener confesses to making out with a man who turned out to be married. Life coach Rebeccah Silence and host Gary discuss intuition, personal responsibility, and practical ways to check if someone is available before getting involved.
It is a Confession Tuesday. Local live coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. Inspired results. Coach.com I have a feeling that lots of people are paying attention today because a lot of times when there are extended amounts of time with family and family togetherness, a lot of times things kind of explode from that. Good, bad or indifferent, right?
Absolutely. I think holiday weekends can be wonderful and they can also, also present their challenges. So I'm interested to see what we have to talk about.
I love the fact that you're, you know, you're just like, yeah, they have some challenges.
They can. It's true.
The. If you go to cnykiss.com click on Confession Tuesday, you can tell us your story confidentially and we'll talk about it here on the air. And all the backlog of, of shows and segments are actually going up, I believe tomorrow. So you'll be able to check those out and, and tell us your story as well. All right, you ready for, for, for this one? Dear Big Papa Banna and Rebecca, over the weekend I was at a bar with some friends at Sylvan beach and an attractive guy hit on me. We hit it off and flirted the whole night. It ended with us making out in my car. He gave me his name and number and then went home. The next morning I googled his name. He's married. I didn't even think to look for a wedding ring or ask him if he's married. And now I feel like a scumbag. Is it my fault for not asking this guy if he's married or is he totally to blame?
What if nobody's to blame? First of all, this is a great email. Thank you for being brave enough to write in. I'm sure that wasn't the most comfortable situation that you've ever been in. The good news is that you found out the truth pretty fast. First of all, right. I mean, if all that happened was a little make out session in a car, it could have progressed and gotten a lot farther.
Oh, absolutely.
So really cool that you ended up having intuition enough to do some homework. However, see, it tells me if you were googling his name that fast, maybe you had some red flags or intuition that you didn't listen to earlier on.
Not necessarily. I'm just saying that's like, it's protocol now. If you meet somebody new, you absolutely right.
See, if you're feeling like you need to do research, you might want to do it before things progress. Right. So cool. You're having fun at a bar and I'm saying, what if nobody Is to blame here. In every relationship. You guys have heard me talk about this over and over and over again. It's 50, 50 every relationship, no matter what type of relationship it is. So no one is ever to blame. Both people are equally contributing to either the dysfunction or the greatness of the relationship. Right. There's. Each one of you has responsibility here. So I think it's a cool lesson. And one thing that a lot of people do is they blindly trust. They just blindly trust.
I don't know what you're talking about. I've never done that.
You never blindly trust, for sure.
No.
Never banitou. I bet. Never blindly trusted. Well, I'll admit that I have blindly trusted my face off. I mean, something that my whole past was all through my 20s, my teens, I was blindly trusting. I blindly trusted so much that I moved to Vegas to work for a woman and to potentially marry a guy. I didn't do enough homework before that trip.
See, then Google, right?
You know, see, I learned from it. And here's. Here's the biggest thing I learned that trust is really, really important, but it's trusting yourself. You can't necessarily ever trust other people because we have no control over them. They're gonna give you a lot of evidence so that you can maybe predict their patterns or what happens with them.
Right.
But you still can't for sure guarantee what anybody else is going to do. What can help is when you trust yourself in any situation. The ability to trust yourself no matter what's going on around you is something that for me, I would wish for the whole planet to know how to do. Trusting yourself. So he's not to blame. Is he somebody that you respect and want to pursue a relationship with? It doesn't sound like it. And I don't blame you. But you have a choice now. You can either learn from this, you can pay attention the next time you're out and ask the questions. Always look for the ring. But see, that's not even going to give you the answers.
No.
You know, people take their rings off all the time. And then there's this thing called karma. And that's for them. It'll come back. It's not ever for another person to inflict karma on another person.
Okay, so here's. Now here's devil's advocate. She googled the guy and it came out that he was married. Now he gave her his number. That's maybe a sign where yet maybe technically or he was married, but who they may have broken up with in the last few months. And that may have been his first night out, so it's tough to jump to conclusions on that. It's worth the conversation just to see. Do you agree?
I would absolutely agree. I think that you raise a great point.
You're welcome, fella.
And yes, Gary's advocating for the men. I'm just saying I can be the skeptical.
Divorces. Divorces and separations take a long time and.
True. That is very true. And this could be an old piece of information, but I think now, granted.
If you Google and you go on Facebook and the default picture is him and a girl and you know they're in a fit, then absolutely, you know, you know, back away. But just saying.
But if they broke up, don't you think he would change his marital status from married to single?
Well, but if it depends on where she. Where. Where it took her, that's true. Because legally, there are lots of people that are single but legally still married. You know, they may have broken up in. In the middle of procedures. So technically married, yes. But, you know, in all honesty, they're single. And, you know, if you had to wait for the time that you're actually. From the time you separate to the time you're actually divorced, depending upon how long it takes, anywhere from like six months to a year and a half to two years to three years.
It depends on what state you're in. My divorce was 90 days. Quick. Colorado.
Why does that not surprise me?
90 days.
I'm Rebecca. Silence. I'm getting this done.
Yes, that's exactly what happened. It was the fastest divorce in history. But see, what's more important to me in this listener's email is that she really figure out about trusting herself and be willing to ask the hard questions right away. People get afraid, you know, I don't think you have to be telling your entire life story right out the gate, but don't be afraid to ask questions like, are you available? And even if they're single, it doesn't mean they're emotionally available. Right. So, you know, you have to ask the questions or don't be surprised if you're ending up disappointed. Ask the questions. Sure. Maybe do some homework here. But I think the biggest lesson is that you don't want to end up surprised like this in the future.
Learn from it.
Don't blindly trust. Don't blindly trust. Just trust yourself. And if you're paying attention, your intuition always knows. So, you know, the homework here for everybody is to maybe make a list of where you're blindly trusting and then figure out how you could get in leadership instead. Right? Because if you're blindly trusting, then the world or other people are in leadership of your life instead of you. Never works out that great in my experience.
What I would do is I would take that list to the same bar that you were out at this past weekend and take it with you this weekend. And that way you have a checklist. Because.
We just want to get rid of all of those areas that you're blindly trusting and turn you into the leader of those areas and see what happens from there.
Inspired results coach.com it is a Confession Tuesday. Local Life Coach Rebecca Silence. More Confession Tuesday Next.
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