A woman's boyfriend cheated the night before her baby shower while she was pregnant. They've been together three years and have an 18-month-old, plus she has a six-year-old. Life coach Rebeccah Silence discusses whether the relationship can heal and what needs to change.
Kiss FM 751. According to News Channel 2 meteorologist Jill Real today mostly sunny and pleasant, highs of 78, currently 56 degrees.
And it is a confession Tuesday. Life coach Rebecca silence in studio. Good morning.
Good morning.
So here's how we roll on a confession Tuesday. Of course, Rebecca is a life coach. You can go to inspired results coach.com to get all of the details. But you submit a question and what's going on in your world and Rebecca handles it here live the air. Are you ready?
I'm ready.
All right, here we go. Dear Rebecca, I've been with my boyfriend for over three years and we have a child together that's 18 months, but I also have a six year old. He slept with one of his exes the night before the baby diaper party and she texted me all the details the day of the shower. Another ex that left him was always getting a hold of him and he wouldn't show up till late at night since our son, he is home more. But I can't seem to get over it. And once in a while I bring it up when we are arguing and it seems to start a fight for days. I need help getting over it. I know I shouldn't mention it, but sometimes it's hard. It hasn't happened lately, but I feel if I keep bringing it up in arguments, we won't last. So what do I do?
Wow, thank you so much for writing in.
This is, this is tough because it's something that happened in the past and they're bringing up the past in arguments and stuff.
Always an issue in relationships, right? The past is always going to come up no matter what it is. But you've got a lot going on all at once. You have a new baby. You've also got a co parent with someone who's not the biological father of your older child. As well as infidelity. So many latent, right? So it's not just infidelity, it's infidelity while you were pregnant. So, you know, first of all, I coach couples to get through affairs all the time. So I'm not gonna say that because there was an affair. The relationship is doomed, however, which you.
Are in the minority by the way. Most people you go ask for help, it's, you know, oh, they. Okay, yeah. Once a cheater, always a cheater. But.
And I'm a broken record with this, but as long as both people are willing to do whatever it takes to heal the relationship, no one is an active addiction and there's no abuse any Relationship is repairable. Okay, so with that being said, this is a doozy. This is not something that it would be easy to just roll over and now, nevermind, we're done with it. There's a lot to do here. Just wanting to get over it won't necessarily heal the pattern. So I would love for you to be able to get through whatever lesson this is for you as a person to grow and that be the goal versus just getting over the fact that this happened.
Okay, so how do you pinpoint that?
Yeah, so what I mean by that is the situation isn't necessarily the problem. The situation is a symptom of a bigger problem called disconnection and potentially different values that the two of you have. So there needs to be a way for you to come together and reinvent this relationship while also healing whatever this situation brought up from both of your pasts for full healing to occur.
Okay, so what exactly are we talking about?
So if this is hurtful, it means that you're in drama, right? So if you're suffering, you're in drama of some kind. So I guarantee that this particular situation is not the first time that you've been disappointed or hurt by a man. So it's bringing up other past issues with men that you have an opportunity to tackle now. You also have a son is what I'm gathering in the email. So I definitely would want to coach you to get through your issues with men if now you have a son, because if you don't, you will eventually project your issues with men onto your son. So there's a lot of work for you to do here on yourself, dealing with betrayal, dealing with disconnection, dealing with your judgments or any issues you've got with men so that you can move forward. And then this boyfriend may or may not want to do it with you, but you have the opportunity to work on yourself either way.
So what would be a good first step for this person?
So the other thing I want to say is I don't want you to just make this situation all right and hope that you can pretend it goes away. We have to get to the meat of why it occurred, which is what.
Most people would do.
Yes, we have to get to the meat of why it occurred so that it doesn't happen again. And hopefully, you know, it won't happen again. But if we're just like, all right, it happened once, never mind. You're missing the opportunity to really grow through the situation. So I want you to be able to grow through the situation. Your homework would be to start just journal about what this whole situation is bringing up for you. What are the thoughts you're having about it, what are the emotions you're having about it, what are the fears you're having about it? And then finally, what do you need to feel better about the situation and come out the other side? What would you specifically need to hear or have happen to feel good about this? Everyone's human, everyone gets to make mistakes. But you don't have to be an emotional punching bag or a doormat. And you were pregnant when this occurred, which is a whole other level. You have children together, you're co parenting your older child together. So there's a lot at stake. But I don't want you sacrificing yourself to try to save your family because if you're not solid and healed, your family's gonna be impacted. So journal about what this brings up for you emotionally, what you're thinking, what your fears are and what you would need. Feel better. And then find a coach, a therapist or a mentor to work out whatever this is for you so that we don't have this happen again in the future.
She is life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com and if you have a question, if you have something that's going on and would like Rebecca to address it here on the air, just go to CNY kiss.com and submit your story confidentially and we'll handle it here on Tuesday mornings. Rebecca, thank you so much.
Thank you for the email and please keep email.
Definitely appreciate it. We're going to break and come back here on KISS fx. Pam.
