Confession Tuesday 5-5-14 "HURT THEM DURING DIVORCE"

All right, that's afro Jack on 97-910-55 Kiss FM 724. Big Papa in the morning. Partly sunny today, high of 59. Right now we are at 40 degrees. Coming up, 8 o', clock, your chance to qualify to go chic or geek, courtesy of First Source Federal Credit Union and Lennon's W.B. wilcox Jewelers. Details online CNY kiss.com in studio Sidekick search. Chelsea is in studio all today. We are in the process of voting. You have till noon on Thursday. You get one vote per day per IP address. That's. That's how we're rolling. And of course, it is a confession. Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. Good morning, my friend. I feel so disconnected to you. I know since we started the, the, since we started the sidekick thing because it literally is like, you know, you, you try to learn all about and, like, get to know, you know, the sidekicks and whatnot and the contestants. So, like, we don't have any us time. So I'm feeling a little. I'm feeling a little. I don't know what the word I'm.

Looking for, but we'll just have to. I'm feeling lunch.

I'm feeling something. I'm feeling neglected. That's it. It's all over.

We can't.

I'm gonna have to start submitting emails to my own segment just. Just to have conversations with you. No, I'm joking. I'm absolutely joking. But inspired results coach dot com. And we've been doing this. Wow. A long time.

Over two years.

Wow.

Wow.

And you're not sick of me? Yeah, that's what's up. That's awesome. All right, so I love you, too. All right. All right. So you go to see kiss.com you tell us your story, and we handle it here on the air, and we do it confidentially and we do it for free. And you're not a therapist. You are a life coach.

Yep. I have a back background in counseling. My master's is in counseling. But the private practice is life coaching. And what we're doing is we are looking at creating solutions and results for people in whatever area of their life they're looking for. I work with individuals, couples, and families, as well as corporate trainings. I'm doing a lot with schools this year, which is a lot of fun. I'm a former school counselor, so I really enjoy being in the schools.

And if you want details, inspiredresultscoach.com and of course, you can like them on Facebook, follow them on Twitter. As well. Are you ready for the for this email?

Yes.

Alright. Dear Big Papa and Rebecca, My husband recently told me he wanted a divorce. And while I was 100% reactionless to the situation in the beginning, however, now I feel like I have to close things off in order to move on. I've always had self worth issues, but I feel like I need him to know that he did not break me. When he broke things off, he was the one in tears and he kept saying over and over that he did not want to lose his best friend. However, he has been acting like a coward and the entire time that I was moving my stuff out, he avoided me and the home we shared for seven years. I feel stuck not knowing whether or not I should potentially hurt his feelings by letting him know that I no longer care to be friends with him and that I feel like he was very selfish throughout the whole process. How do I address this situation? Or is it better to just ignore it and completely and move on?

Thank you so much for this email. You know, first of all, ignoring your feelings is the first way to guarantee that you have a similar experience in the future. So I think that it's really brave of you to be so honest. And you know, what I want everybody to understand is why would you ever want to be with somebody who you had to convince to be with you? Right. I mean, if he's not willing to work through the issues to recreate the marriage, then okay, you know, and of course there's going to be grief. There's a big grieving process when divorce occurs. And divorce isn't just a piece of paper. Right. And you and I have both been divorced.

Yeah. Been there, been there, done that, bought the T shirt, you know.

Yeah. And so I don't have a T shirt, but I have a divorce under my belt. And you know, the thing about it.

Is, says I got divorced and all I got was this lousy T shirt. That's actually what it said. But no, I'm joking.

Divorce isn't just a piece of paper. It's also getting emotionally divorced, actually physically separating yourself from the person and then there's the divorce of all the material, not to mention if you have children. So, you know, there are a lot of layers.

And even if you have a quote unquote good divorce like I consider myself to, you know, as far as divorces go, mine was pretty simple. And I don't know if simple is the right word, but as far as divorces go, it wasn't messy, it was pretty cut and dry. But it still gets emotional. And it's still, and it's still, you know, there's still nerves that get hit and you know, even the best situations, it's going to get emotional at times.

Yeah. And if you try to have no reaction and have a game face or just keep it together, eventually it's like a big 2 liter of soda that got shaken up. It's going to explode. And so, you know, I think that it's okay to, to communicate to your husband about how you're feeling if you're disappointed, if you're angry, if you're sad. But blame is never going to help the situation. And I think a lot of times people want to lash out and blame someone so that they can use that to give them an excuse to have these emotions. But you don't need an excuse to have these emotions. You committed. There were agreements of being together in the relationship. When a divorce happens, that's a huge broken agreement. And trust issues can come up and all of your past relationship issues can come up and anything that you had in terms of issues with your parents relationship can come up. It all just comes up. It's like opening up Pandora's box. And it's okay to have those feelings. There's gonna be sadness, there's gonna be anger, there's going to be all of it. And it's okay to just feel it. So what I would encourage you to do is get a strong support system. You know, find a great therapist, get in touch with a coach, but make sure that you have support for yourself and getting yourself through this process. And the thing about it that I think is so great is that you're one step closer to the type of relationship that you want and deserve. When you're getting out of a relationship that you've outgrown or that no longer.

Serves you well, one of the questions that that is in here is she's going back and forth and deciding whether or not to hurt his feelings. You know, if she acts a certain way, she knows that it will hurt him. And that's part of, that's part of the equation. Nothing really good can come from purposely going out and hurting somebody in this situation. Right?

Yeah. And I think that there's the distinction between, you know, are you just afraid that your upset is going to hurt his feelings or are you intentionally and deliberately wanting to be mean and, you know, go up one side of him and down the other? It's, it's not possible for you to hurt his feelings if you're just being authentic and true to yourself, talking about what you're wanting, what you're feeling, what you're needing, your disappointment. If he's hurt by that, then that's on him. It's you just being real. But if you're calling him names, telling him where to go that road, it's definitely not going to make anyone feel better, especially if you have kids together. I don't know if they have kids together or not from this email.

Don't know.

But, you know, if you have kids together, you doing the blame and mean with him is definitely going to be detrimental.

And if anybody knows, you know, what the nerves are and how to press buttons and know how to get exactly, you know exactly what to say and how to say it to get under the other one's skin. It's, it's a husband and wife have been together. It says here they, they've been together for more than seven years. So they absolutely know exactly how to get under each other's skin.

Sure. And, you know, you have an opportunity to stay in leadership and, you know, kind of take the high road, as cliche as it sounds, by not attacking him back for not wanting to be with you. What if it's okay if he's just saying that this is over so that you can have what you actually want and deserve? And, you know, it's never easy. Even the person initiating a divorce or a breakup is going to go through a grieving process. Just because they're initiating it doesn't mean it's not going to hurt them too.

Right.

It's not easy for anyone. But if you aren't getting your needs met in the relationship and if he's not getting the needs met in the relationship, then you know what, it's okay to say maybe we've outgrown this thing. It's okay to say that, yep, we're going to get divorced and start over. I think a lot of people stay in bad relationships or relationships that aren't working because they're afraid of that divorce. They don't want to be divorced. And I'm saying go get your life the way you want it and it's okay if this relationship has no longer the ability to be what you want and need.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com go to cnykiss.com click on confession Tuesday. Tell us your story and we handle it for free confidentially right here on the air.

The homework is just treat him the way you want to be treated. And everyone out there like, take it on. Treat him the way you want to be treated, you know, and think about when you're wanting to blow up, would you want him to be doing that back at you? And in these delicate relationship situations, when you're in a fight or breaking up or getting divorced, take on treating each other the way you want to be treated and not attacking on purpose to try to hurt someone because you're being hurt.

Local life coach Rebecca Silence in studio. More Confession Tuesday coming up next here on KISS fm.