Confession Tuesday 5-5-14 "WHEN TO MOVE ON"

You know what? You tried so hard on that. And I'll give you. I'll give you kudos and I'll give you points for trying. It's 97-910-55 Kiss FM741. A big papa in the morning. Partly sunny today with a high of 59. Right now we are at 40 degrees. Sidekick search voting week is in progress. Chelsea is in studio all today. And also in studio right now, Rebecca silence Local life coach confession Tuesday inspired results. Now, what's going on today?

Today we have coaching circles, and we're only going to be doing them the first Tuesday of the month from here through the summer. So the first Tuesday, 7 to 8 at my office, you get to work with me in a group setting. It's $15. You can get the address and more details online. And it's 156 Main street in Whitesboro. We'd love to see you there.

Absolutely. So get all the details. Inspired results, coach.com and also, like her on Facebook as well. So as we always do here, radio segments, you email in and we answer your emails free and confidentially on the air. You ready?

Yes.

Okay. Dear Big Papa and Rebecca, it all began when I was 17 years old. I was young and in love with a man of my dreams. We made plans to run away to elope, but I was so scared, I never went. We lost touch until recently. I saw him from a distance, shopping. Past feelings arose, but I could not gather the courage to speak to him. I found out from a friend he's living across town. I feel. I'm. I am feeling conflicted because I'm going through a divorce with my current husband. Should I rekindle the love affair or is it too soon?

Wow, what a great question. So, first of all, I think it's very cool that, you know, you have feelings still. Even going through a divorce, it can be real difficult, as we were talking about in the last segment. And then you find someone and realize, oh, I can still have feelings. There's still hope, right? You know?

Well, I mean, you see somebody from your past and all of a sudden you get the butterflies again. I mean, that's a natural thing. Whether or not it's realistic. That's a whole other. That's a whole other ball of wax, right?

Yeah. But what I'm saying is that just because this one relationship didn't work doesn't mean you're doomed for life.

Oh, very true.

You know, you can have another relationship even after divorce. So then there's the question about time frame. And is there a right time frame? You know, I'm thinking about a client of mine that I have who actually lives in California, and he's on his third divorce and he's more committed than ever to finding that great marriage. He's not done looking for marriage. He's still wanting a marriage and he is ready to make it happen. And I love his optimism and his courage to just keep putting himself back out there. And then this timeframe question can be real tricky and real slippery because I'm going to say, I don't know if there is a good time frame or a magic time frame. I think it's about whether or not you're over the past relationship. Is there closure? Have you fully grieved that relationship? Let it go. Whether it's just a relationship or a marriage and divorce situation, you know, I think jumping from one relationship to the next, relationship to the next, hoping that this is going to be the magic bullet that gives you that sense of feeling fulfilled, is where people can get into trouble.

I think a lot of people go from one to the other. If anything, more of a distraction, you know? You know what I'm saying? It's like a distraction from the. I don't want to say drama, but from the tediousness and the emotional distress that's going on over here. But over here it's happy and butterflies. It's the fresh love that you talk about. So I'll stay over here. And then all of a sudden that goes away and then, you know, jumps to the next one. It's like. It's almost like a revolving circle.

Sure. And relationships can be a drug of choice for people, you know, and. And that happens. I used to be a serial monogamist myself. Yes. And I'd go with someone two weeks later, two years with someone else. And in those relationships from my past, I was definitely using the relationship as a way to feel better about myself. And the relationship won't ever give you that self confidence or that sense of feeling satisfied in your life. It's got to come from you. And so what I'm going to say is how cool that you're exploring new feelings and make sure that you've gotten through your last relationship before you go into the next one. And I would encourage anyone going through a breakup or a divorce to write out what they learned from the relationship. Before you get into a new relationship, write out what you learned from your last relationship. And even if you want, like the bonus homework, write out what you learned from all of the relationships that you've ever had because you're the common denominator in them.

Yep.

So write out what you learned. Write out what your deal breakers were. Write out what you don't want to do. Again, write out what you think works that you want to keep in your relationships. And once you've got all that on the front of your mind, in your next relationship, you can say, hey, so these are my deal breakers. How do you feel about that? What are your deal breakers? You know, I was talking to another one of my clients who is getting herself ready for a relationship. She's on eharmony now, and she was telling me, I've never done eharmony. But they ask some pretty serious questions on eharmony. Asking these types of questions. Why did your past five relationships end? You know, what was your part in it?

Oh, yeah, the quiz for eharmony. I mean, yes, I've been on there.

Okay, great. But see, these are questions, but it's.

Like, it's almost like an hour to go through and do this questionnaire thing. Like, it's intense, but how cool, because.

Then you're actually thinking along the lines of taking leadership of what you want in your relationships. I love that. I think it's great. I think all relationships should start with not, hi, my name is Rebecca. What are your deal breakers? But, you know, make sure that.

No, that's the second date or the third.

With Mark and I, it was the third date. Date three.

But at the same time, she. This girl is looking for almost like, okay, you know, and I realized that every person's different, every relationships different. Is there some telltale sign where, okay, like, okay, you've definitely over the last one, it's safe to go to the next one. As far as you individually, is there like some sort of key thing to look for? Maybe?

Well, I'm saying if you write out, you know, what you learned from your last relationship and what you want in a future relationship, I think you'll know pretty fast whether or not this old flame is a reasonable, realistic pursuit or if you're just using it as a distraction from having to deal with your emotions. Because you're going to know if you've written out what didn't work in your last relationship and what you're wanting for your future, if this person actually would make sense and fits the picture. And so, you know, we've talked a little bit about rescue. And the thing about rescue, it's not a good thing. People hear the word rescue and they think, oh, that's like the hero Trying to save the day. You know, I was talking a couple weeks ago about affairs are a rescue. And what I mean by that is you're using it as a distraction from doing the healing work that you need to move on. That's never going to be a good thing or. Or help you grow in your life. So if you're using this guy as that type of a distraction to rescue you from this breakup and not wanting to get through that, it's going to eventually blow up.

All right, so what's good homework for this person?

So write out what you learned from your last relationship, write out your part in it, and then write out what you want for your future. Very specifically, don't just say, I want somebody to love me because some guy could show up that owes the IRS half a million dollars and he loves you and he's doing things illegally, but I love you. Get specific about what it is that you're looking for. And, you know, it's interesting in my office, a lot of times clients, they're afraid to get specific because they don't want to set themselves up for disappointment. Sure. I'm saying get super specific, Uber specific. The more specific, the better. Otherwise, if you don't know where you're headed, how are you going to get there? So at least be brave enough to say, this is what I'm looking for, and then take on. And you're not gonna give up until you get there. And it might not be this next person or even the next person, but if you stay committed to the type of relationship you want and are willing to do whatever it takes to get it, I pretty much guarantee you'll have it.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com coaching circle tonight. Check out the website for all the details. Great stuff as always.

Thanks, everybody. Have a great week. Enjoy the sun.

Cnykiss.com, click on confession Tuesday. Tell us your story. We'll handle it next week at this time here on Kiss fm.

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