A brief radio/YouTube confessional segment (May 2015) in which life coach Rebeccah Silence responds to an email asking whether to tell a friend to break up after a heated fight. Rebecca recommends asking the friend what she thinks, offering unconditional support, and phrasing advice as "here's what I would do" rather than commands. She reframes fighting as not inherently bad — a chance to clarify unmet needs — and gives post-conflict steps: allow space, wait until you can be loving and honest, speak only about your own feelings/needs, offer solutions the partner can "win" with, and avoid punishment or walking on eggshells. The segment closes with contact info and a caution to be careful when telling friends what to do.
It is a confession. Tuesday local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Welcome once again.
Thank you.
Cny kiss calm. You tell us what's going on in your world. Tell it. And here's the thing. You guys don't have enough time for what I have going on. Everyone seems to make their drama into more than it really is.
It's like gold.
It really is. They make it into so much more. It's, you know, everything's all complicated and intertwined and you know, and this, that and the other thing and, and that's where you come in.
And we simplify it. Yeah, we just make that complicated mess simple and give you steps to move.
Forward and you cut through the crap and just get it done. So cnykiss.com and you're good to go. And for more on rebecca inspired results coach.com as well. Inspired results coach.com Here is an email. Ready?
Yes.
Alright, here we go. Dear Rebecca, I went on a trip with my friend and her boyfriend this past weekend and the whole thing started off great, but on the last night they got into a nasty fight. It never got physical, but she ended up staying in my hotel room because they had to be separated. We were talking today and she told me she wants my honest opinion on whether or not they should be together. Truthfully, I think her boyfriend is an okay guy, but I don't like the way he talks to her. Is it bad news if I tell her she should break up with her boyfriend? Should I even give my opinion at all?
This is a great question.
This happens all the time.
It does. And there are a few different layers here. We'll just start with your question at the end of the email. Should you give your opinion? So understand that your opinion is based on your experience.
Right.
It doesn't mean that your opinion is what's best for your friend. And so a lot of times the people we love the most, they want our opinions because we're in their inner circle and our opinion matters. That's not a bad thing. But what happens is if you give someone your opinion, telling them what to do, it can be a recipe for them getting mad at you if it doesn't go the way that they wanted.
It to or you tell them something that they don't want to hear. Uh huh.
And you gotta be careful with that because there's a few different one liners, if you will, that I use in these situations. I just had two different friends this week getting in touch with me, asking me what to do. Literally, you're the guru. What Do I do here? And here's what I said. I said, what do you do?
Go to inspired results coach.com.
So here's a couple of questions that really, really work. Number one, I said, what do you think you should do? Right. I mean, I'm not being a jerk. I seriously, I want to hear more like, what's your gut telling you? What do you think you should do? I encourage you, when people are coming to you for advice, to ask questions instead of telling them what to do. Then, you know, if they say, what, this is what I think I should be doing. You know, another great one liner is to say, whatever you decide, I'm going to love you and support you no matter what. Right. And then I also often say, here's what I would do. I'm not saying this is what you should do. I just, I do a disclaimer because I, I don't want them to think that I have the answers because I don't. Everyone is their own expert on themselves. Nobody has answers for them because what I think is based on my life and my experiences, my judgments. And so there's three different things that you can say. Ask, what do you think you should do? Ask, you know what? I'm gonna love and support you no matter what you decide. And it really, really helps when you do that. And then you can also say, here's what I would do. I'm not saying it's what you should do.
Right.
You know, it's just a thought. And then when it comes to the fight itself and whether or not she should stay with the guy, fighting is not a problem.
Okay, I'm sorry. Fighting is not a problem. No.
I want everyone out there to just flirt with this possibility. You don't have to believe me. You can check it out for yourself. Fighting is not a problem. All it means is that there is a misunderstanding, that two people are not on the same page. They haven't come up with a mutual win win solution. Now, if we're doing like knockdown, drag out, name calling, blame, mean, I don't recommend that. But what I know is if that's happening, it's because that's what those people saw growing up.
Okay?
Right. We're not being mean. We're not calling names. If we didn't see someone else doing that in our childhood, period. Right? Like, I don't just all of a sudden know how to be a jerk. I learned it somewhere. And it's not like bashing the parents. They did the best they could and they learned it too.
And it's not necessarily from the parents.
Right. And if you're in that is uncomfortable and you don't like the way it's going. That's like a huge wake up call that you can get stronger in your relationship. It's not bad. Most people, they start fighting and then they wanna run away, throw in the towel next, this isn't working. But then the next relationship, you're gonna be right back where you started. You're gonna have fights with the next person too. Probably over the exact same things. Because if you're fighting, your buttons got pushed and those buttons are available for pushing with or without this person until you figure out how to get through it. So fighting is not bad. I'm gonna stand by that. It's not bad. It's actually a gift to your relationship when there's a conflict because it's an opportunity for you to get closer. So I want people to stop being afraid of the fight. Don't be afraid of the conflict and afraid of the fight. Because if you are, then most of the time people aren't being honest because they're trying to avoid the fight. It's inevitable. Anyway.
Okay. So boy, girl, get into an argument that is. It gets pretty intense. Intense enough where they to, you know, separate.
Yep. Which kudos for that. If you're taking space so that it doesn't escalate, that's good.
So what's the next step from that then? You know, whether or not you stay together. I mean, what's the best way to say it's the next day and okay, and you're finally talking to the person. You both have calmed down. What's the best step from that? To go from there.
Yeah. So I want you to get out of the mindset that the other person needs to do something for you and then you'll be able to get through this with them. Right. Like if you're wanting the other person to grovel or to do XYZ and then you're gonna be willing to have a conversation. You're in punishment mode and this relationship is in trouble. Right. You're never gonna get anywhere by trying to punish somebody. The alternative to punishment is love and honesty, period. So I want you to take space as long as it takes for you to get clear enough to be loving and hon. Honest. Right. If you're being blaming, punishing, this isn't gonna go anywhere anyway. So what I mean by being loving and honest is letting them know by only talking about yourself, what's going on. Like, I feel hurt I feel scared. I want to know that you're really committed, whatever the case may be, but only talk about you if you're telling them what they need to do for you. This relationship is in this codependent power struggle that will eventually continue to blow up.
Sure.
So I want you to say what you need and then ask yourself question, have I given the person an opportunity to win with me? Like, do they even know what I want? Do they even know how to win with me? You gotta offer solutions to your partner. You have to let them know, all right, this is what will work. You know, my husband and I have been doing this so much recently with my cancer diagnosis and doctor's appointments. You know, Mark will say, all right, this is what I'm gonna need if this is what we have to do in terms of doctor's appointments or whatever. So he'll come to me with, this is what I need. This is what I want. This is how I'm feeling and makes it go so much better.
Absolutely.
And if both people can do that, it sounds way simpler than it is when you're in the heat of the moment.
Well, it's finding a way to communicate at the end of the day.
But wait to communicate until you know what it is that you want.
Right.
Don't just try to communicate because you're afraid of losing the person. Wait until you know what it is that you want, then communicate. And please don't be afraid of the fight. And don't make yourself smaller to try to avoid conflict by walking on eggshells, because then you're training this person that they can just get away with whatever it and then nothing gets resolved. So please don't ever make yourself smaller and avoid the fight. The fight is a gift. It's a good thing. It lets you know where the relationship is. And then often, too, people are just fighting for the relationship because they're so afraid of losing it. So let each other know, hey, I love you. I want to get through this. Let them know, I love you. I want to get through this. Here's what I want to do that. Here's what I need to do that, and then see where it goes.
Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com on a confessional and be really.
Careful of telling your friends what to do, because in my experience, they may get mad at you later. So make sure you ask them what they think they should do. And just be really careful with that.
It's a confession Tuesday. What is going on in your world? What drama is happening? Cnykiss.com, tell your story, submit it confidentially, and we'll handle it confidentially and for free here on the air. And for more on Rebecca, of course, you can like her on Facebook and inspiredresultscoach. Com. See you next week.
