A recorded "Confession Tuesday" radio/YouTube segment (June 10, 2014) in which a listener emails that she is dating a seemingly perfect man and is convinced something must be wrong. Life coach Rebeccah Silence and the host explore how expectations and fear create self-fulfilling prophecies, encourage listeners to be willing to change their minds, to define what they truly want in relationships, to communicate honestly about fears, and to check assumptions by engaging ("test driving") the relationship rather than presuming its failure. The tone is practical and encouraging, with emphasis on avoiding self-sabotage.
It is a confession Tuesday. You tell us what's going on in your world and we handle it right here on the air, free and confidentially for you. Are you ready?
Yes.
All right. Dear Rebecca, I'm dating a guy who seems perfect. He's handsome, he has a great job and extremely successful. And he really likes me and shows his feelings all the time. In my experience, that means that there has to be something wrong with him. We've only been dating for a month, but I'm starting to freak out. We haven't slept together yet, so I'm assuming that's where the problem will be. No one's perfect, right? Should I be worried?
Oh, this is a great email. Thank you so much. Now, here's the thing. You gotta be really careful what you want to be right about. If you want to be right about the fact that there's always a catch, you will find it. You will find a way to create evidence that that catch exists.
I've never done that.
So we have to be really careful, never ever about what we believe about relationships, because that's exactly what we will experience whether it's happening or not. We just find a way to be right about, oh, this is the way men are. Oh, this is the way women are. This is what happens in relationships.
This is what always happens to me. There's a lot of that too.
Absolutely. Absolutely. And it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. So, you know, this may sound stupid simple, but it really is this stupid simple. Be willing to change your mind. If you're not willing to change your mind, you're going to keep being right about whatever it is, money, relationships, family, career. You're going to be right about whatever you believe to be absolutely true.
Right?
So be really careful and then be willing to create the type of relationship that you're looking for. What if it's possible to create a relationship that's totally different you than anything you've ever seen, anything you've ever experienced before. And I'm a walking testimony to that. No, I mean, I absolutely dated the same guy over and over and over again. He just looked a little different. But after a lot of work, I was able to start putting in place what I actually wanted in a relationship. But that takes, like we were talking about in the last segment, being willing to actually put down on paper what it is that you're looking for.
Okay, so let me ask you this. According to this email, and everything seems to be going great and she seems to be looking for the fatal flaw.
And she'll find it if she keeps looking.
Well, and I mean, she's assuming that it's going to be the brown chicken, brown cow. So how do you get out of your own way to change that and just accept things as they are? Because that's, you know, it's one thing to be like, oh, this is what's going to happen next, and to be like, oh, this is what it is, and, and just appreciate it for what it is and kind of take it step by step.
Yeah. And, you know, here's the thing. Of course, people all have their flaws, idiosyncrasies, issues. There's not going to be anyone who doesn't occasionally do something weird from a fear based place. Right. We all have our moments that were run by fear instead of empowerment. And that's definitely gonna happen. But I would just encourage everybody listening to be willing to entertain the possibility that you, you can have exactly what you want, exactly the way you want it. I have people all the time coming in saying, well, it's almost what I want. This is almost the right job. This is almost the right relationship. So I don't want to risk not having this much of what I wanted. So I'm going to settle. Instead of being willing to go for exactly what you wanted, and then you keep yourself in this it's almost what I want mode, there's going to be disappointment. And why, why bother? It's not fair to either person in the relationship. Right. If you're both settling because you're afraid you can't have exactly what you want, this relationship's in trouble.
Well, it sounds like she has what she wants, but it's too good to be true.
And I'm saying what if it's not? You know, self sabotage is very dangerous. And you know what? This guy's showing you who he is right now. You might eventually see some of the skeletons in the closet because of course they exist. But be willing to just see that he might be the real deal. And you might have intuition letting you know that something is awry, but you might not. So be willing to check it out and be willing to keep communicating. Just keep communicating. The best thing you could probably do for this relationship is tell the truth. You know what? I'm almost afraid this is too good to be true. Are you for real? Real. And you can do it from a place that's not like the needy little girl who's insecure. You could do it from a place that's just being honest. And then that sets a precedent for this guy to be honest. Back with you.
So is that the homework just coming straight out? Be honest.
I would say that there's two things. Number one, you have to be willing to decide that you could actually have what you want. Right. And then you have to know what it is that you're wanting. And then, yeah, be honest. Everyone out there, be honest in your relationships about what you're scared of, what's coming up for you, what's in the way, and then be willing to change your mind.
And number three, go ahead and participate in the brown chicken, brown cow, and then move forward that way you don't have to worry about that.
And that's the other thing. Don't be run by assumptions or fear about what might happen. We got to check it out. You got to find out.
Got to test drive the car.
You might be pleasantly surprised.
Seriously.
You might be pleasantly surprised. And if you are test driving the car, be careful not to go into it with that belief that it's going to be terrible because then you'll be right about that.
Yeah.
So be willing to go into it with an open mind. See what happens.
Well, I've never test driven a car and been like, you know what? This isn't going to be any, you know, then why the car?
But how often do people do that in relationships and then they get what they expected. Got to go into it being like.
This is going to be awesome. I don't know about that. This is going to be awesome.
Why not? Why not go into your relationships with that attitude? Come on.
Oh, I was talking about relationships, Chips. I was talking about test driving the car.
This is awesome.
Hold on, let me get my seat belt on. Why not, though? Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com if you would like whatever's going on in your world to be discussed here free and Confidentially, go to CNY kiss.com you can also take a listen to past segments as well. Awesome job as always.
