Radio segment (YouTube video) from June 17, 2014 titled “CONFESSION TUESDAY 6-17-14 'Repairing After Betrayal'” featuring host and local life coach Rebeccah Silence. The guest advises listeners on repairing relationships after perceived betrayals by: considering one’s own share of responsibility (~50%), identifying unmet needs/expectations, choosing forgiveness, and prioritizing clear emotional communication. Central homework: when breakdowns occur, lean in and communicate needs and feelings rather than pushing the partner away. Contact/credit information for Rebeccah Silence (InspiredResultsCoach.com, social media) closes the segment.
So this is how we roll on a confession Tuesday. You go to cnykiss.com and you tell us what's going on in your world. And Rebecca, who is a local life coach, will handle it and address it here on the radio, confidentially and for free. So, CNY Kiss.com, are you ready?
Yes.
Okay, here is. Here is the email. What are some steps that you can take to repair a relationship after a betrayal?
Wow, this is a great email. Okay, so everyone out there listening, think about a moment where you have been disappointed in a relationship or experienced betrayal.
Now done.
Just consider the possibility.
Oh, wait, there's another one.
And I'm sure there is, but just pick one and consider the possibility. That's the hard part, the first one that comes to your mind. Now here's where I want you to just maybe put a little bit of a different lens on this. Consider the possibility that you're 50% of what happened, and consider the possibility that this betrayal happened to teach you something. Now, it's very important to understand that if I'm not willing to forgive and work through issues in relationships, then I'm guaranteeing that it's gonna be harder for people to forgive me. Right? There's this thing called karma. So if you want to be forgiven, I highly encourage you to be someone who will forgive. Not easy. This is much easier said than done. And you know, the betrayal is coming from you not getting your needs met in some way, shape, or form, right? And just think about that. All betrayal is coming from. You either had an expectation or a need that didn't get met. Maybe you had a need for more attention or affection or more loyalty or monogamy or who knows what it is. But now think about in this betrayal that you are remembering what was it that you wanted or needed or what was your expectation that didn't happen. Now it gives you an opportunity to communicate. And communication is always going to be the answer to any type of resolution. You want to know how to get through anything, it's going to definitely be about communication, right? Starts with communicating with yourself and being honest with yourself, and then it's about communicating with other people. And you've heard me say it hundreds of times. I'm sure that we teach people how to treat us right? So anything that's going on in the relationship, the reason I'm saying that you're 50% is because you know this person has learned you over the course of the relationship and learned what works with you and what doesn't work with you. And if there's something ever in a relationship that's not working for you, then it's your responsibility to communicate that this doesn't actually work for me. This is what I was wanting. This is what I was needing. And then don't forget. It's so important to talk about how you're feeling. If you're angry, let them know, I'm feeling angry. Say sad. I'm feeling sad. Scared. I'm feeling scared. Whatever it is, I'm feeling frustrated. I'm feeling betrayed. Because the other piece of this is that the other person just consider the possibility that they may be innocent. They may not have intentionally tried to hurt you. They might not even understand that you're feeling betrayal. Right? Like maybe it's something as simple as, you know, I said I would go on this date with you, and then something else came up. I had to change the plans to a different day. Someone might feel betrayed by that, and maybe the other person wasn't intentionally trying to betray you.
But if you say, if you take it at, you know, text level, if there's a betrayal, you know, nine times out of 10, you're thinking, you know, hand got caught in the. In the honey jar of somebody else, possibly.
But I just want to say I know that I've gotten bent out of shape in my relationships for things as small as maybe a renegotiated event or someone coming home late.
But that's not necessarily a betrayal. That's a disappointment.
But some people interpret it as a betrayal anyway. Just think about that. I see it in my office all the time where these smaller things get in the way of couples. So I just want to address that.
But the smaller things also end up being blown up because there's unresolved stuff from way before nine times out of 10, potentially.
But these smaller things, in my experience, are really the root issues that then show up bigger if those smaller ones never got addressed.
Okay?
So just consider that it doesn't matter. Right. I like to say you can't be a little bit pregnant. Right. Either you're pregnant or you're not pregnant. So either in the relationship, you have an issue or you don't. Let's not try to make it that, oh, some issues are bigger or worse. If there's an issue, it's like poison in your relationship.
Okay?
So deal with it. If you don't, then those bigger, louder betrayals might show up to remind you that there's some issue you haven't been dealing with all the way along.
Okay?
Right. So just get that any issue that's coming up. It's very important to communicate about it. It's important to teach your partner about what you need that you're not getting. And it's also important to explain what you're feeling emotionally.
So it's. So it's about communication at this point?
Absolutely.
Steps you can take to repair a relationship after a betrayal and consider that.
Your partner's on your side. That's what I mean about what if they're not intentionally trying to hurt you? What if this is just the best they know how to do in the moment and maybe they need a little help learning how to work with you better. And we have this all the time. Two people come to a relationship, they're used to being independent. And then now you have to figure out how to relate to each other. Make decisions together, run a life together. That can be very difficult for people. So working together, of course it's about communication. And be willing to give your partner the benefit of the doubt until you know for sure that. That they're just playing games with you. Not interested in working it out. Treat them like they're on your side and they're your partner because they are. For now. Until you find out. Okay. Yeah. I just. I really didn't care. So this is why I betrayed. Or I'm unwilling to work through it with you to make it better. But just remember that any breakdown in a relationship is an opportunity for the two people to get closer. And what happens most of the time is there's a breakdown and people push each other away. I want people to get closer to each other so that they have a shot at actually getting through whatever it is and understanding each other better.
Alright, so what's some homework for this person?
So it's a very simple process for everyone. Anytime you have a breakdown in a relationship, be willing to get closer to the person instead of pushing them away. And the way you do that is by communicating.
That's the homework I was waiting for.
More. It's that simple.
Wow.
Be willing to get closer, lean in. Instead of pushing people away when there's an upset in the relationship. Communicate. Say what you want or need and tell them how you're feeling. That's the process.
Local Life coach Rebecca silence inspired results Coach.com is the website for all the details. If you want to have her come to your to your business, speak to your organization. Inspired Results Coach.com youm can also like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter as well. More on A Confession Tuesday coming up here on Kiss FM.
