Confession Tuesday 6-18-13 HUSBAND HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM PART 2

It is a confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Inspired results. Coach.com how this works is we get your emails. Email bigpapnykiss.com b I g p o p p a nykiss.com and we handle your emails here on the air confidentially. By the way, big shout out to everyone listening across the country and across the world. Confession Tuesday gone Global. Thanks to cnykiss.com and our our mobile app. Kiss on Q. Kiss on K U E. Download it for your, for your droid or also your, your idevice, your iPhone, your iPad, your ipod and you're good to go. It's absolutely free. Again, kiss on Q. Kiss on kue. All right, I want to get back to this email that we had in the, in the last segment. If you're just tuning in the email and I'm paraphrasing, it's a wife who has children and she's talking about her husband who is being more and more dependent on alcohol and you know, the things that come with that. And she specifically talked about a situation where he may or may not have been unfaithful with a friend of hers. She's not sure. They both deny it. And we talked a lot about the, the dynamic between her and her husband and what to, and what happens there between one person and the other person between you and your partner when you know, when there's alcohol and when there is boundaries need to be set. I want to talk about the fact that there are children involved in this.

Yeah. And the part that we're not mentioning is that there's also some mental abuse between the husband and the wife when he was drinking, some name calling, things like that. So, so that's the part where I get really on my soapbox about kids. So kids don't get a vote in what's happening in their parents world. They just don't.

Well, before, before, before we start going, I just, I want to pose the question, okay, you know, there are children involved in this situation and this, the situation is what it is, what's the best thing for, you know, for a parent to do if you're the one who, you know, the, the other parent is in this situation. What, what do you, you know, what, how do we, as a parent, you know, you want to do what's best for your child and in a situation like this, sometimes you're not quite sure where to go and what to do.

Right. So, you know, in my experience, and you can check this out for yourself, you don't have to believe me. But in my experience, you know, parents are always going to screw it up. We're not perfect. So we're going to have, you know, our kids mad at us for something. Right. I'm very clear. My daughter will need therapy about something at some point in time. She will have her own coaches. And I do the best I can every single day.

Can't wait for that phone call.

When she calls me, I'm waiting for it.

Big pop of weeds talk.

Yeah. And now she'll take you up on it, because I'm sure she's listening. She's gonna call you today.

All right.

I got an issue with my mom.

She sent me to my room.

So what we can do as parents is show up in a way that takes the best care of ourselves and in a way that we're proud of, so that when our kids ask us, why did this happen? We can tell them, well, here's what I did, and this is what I thought was best. And we can mean it, because, you know, you can only please 50% of the people. 50% of the time, people are going to be mad at you. People are going to make you wrong, and people will approve. But the goal is to accept and approve of yourself and your own decisions. So, you know, the mother in this situation, the kids are not safe if they're around a father who is, you know, in active addiction. And if they're hearing him verbally abuse you, that's not safe either, because then that becomes their normal and acceptable, and they're going to either be verbally abusive or they're going to get verbally abused by friends and in relationships later on in life if this goes unattended.

And if. And if you're. And if you're a parent in that kind of situation and living with it, you always want better than what you know you've dealt with. You want better than that for your kids.

So here's what happens with kids. They follow the parent who they think is surviving the best. So, you know, if you've got a kid and you're like, wow, this kid is exactly like me, it's actually a huge compliment. They're following the parent who they think is surviving the best in the given circumstances.

Okay?

So, you know, I believe that everyone's always doing their best in terms of coping in the best of their ability, right? So, you know, what we want to give this family is some new coping skills, because it's not working. Like, being verbally abusive when you're scared is not necessarily a Strategy that's going to make anybody feel good. I guarantee a husband doesn't feel good about himself. He doesn't want to be hurting anyone. I promise. He's just doing the best he can. And you, listener who wrote in, you know, we want to be real careful not to step over these. These really serious, critical issues. You're worth so much, and so are your kids. So what I would suggest is getting yourself into a situation where you're clear, clear, you know, and it may mean getting away from your husband until he's sober or, you know, at least getting him to work with you in some capacity on healing the relationship. Whether you call a counselor, you call me, you call somebody to do some work. But, you know, the kids, I would. I would just be checking in with them all the time, making sure that you're opening communication, that you're not stepping over the obvious, what they're watching. And, you know, it can become really confusing for kids if they see this. This crazy stuff happening and then nobody's talking about it. You know, it's still impacting them, right? So, you know, you can do your best to take care of yourself, make sure you're open in communication with the kids. And, you know, there are a lot of people, myself included, who work with kids just to check in. And what's amazing is the kids get it so much faster. They get it so much faster that it's not, oh, my gosh, it's not my responsibility. I'm not the one making mommy mad or daddy mad. Because that, I think, is the most dangerous piece here because the kids can. Can internalize the whole thing and feel like it's their fault somehow, that they should be making it better somehow. And of course, they can't, right? So we. We talk about, you know, when I'm working with kids, ways to cope. So for all the kids listening right now, I want you to understand, no matter what's going on in your world, you know, the adults, whatever they're doing is their business. It's not your business. And there's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing that you could ever do that causes any of the drama that you see in the lives of the adults that you love, right? So, you know, what you can do is say, I don't like this. If you're around something that's making you scared or uncomfortable, you can say, I'm scared. You can say, I'm angry. And you can write. I love writing it down. Drawing, taking a walk, take a bath, take a nap, watch A movie. But find a way to do something that makes you happy. You absolutely deserve to be happy. Even if your parents are fighting or even if there are things that are scary going on at home. You know, find someone to talk to. Find an adult that you trust, whether it's a teacher or a school counselor or a family friend, or hopefully your parents. You can tell them what's going on with you and what you're wanting. Most important thing, I think, in all of this is communication to keep communicating about what's going on, because it doesn't go away until we deal with it.

As far as. In this situation, as far as the mom goes, I think that knowing that the children absolutely see everything, and I. And I think. And I think, you know, parents lose sight of that, right? Just because they're not necessarily right there under your foot, right? They are experiencing and seeing everything. Let that help you get strength. Because sometimes it's, you know, it takes strength to stand up for yourself and to. And to, you know, say, this is what I want. This is what I need. It takes. It takes strength to do that sometimes. Let the children be your strength. You know what I'm saying?

I love what you're saying.

It's. Use that as motivation. I want better than what I'm getting right now for my kids. Do you show them? You know what I'm saying? And I don't mean to be, like, confrontational about it, but at the same time, you know, that you're passionate.

Seriously, this work, it's generational healing. So anybody that coaches with me understands that what we're doing, these patterns that go on in our lives go back generations, right? Women learn how to be women based on how they saw their mothers and their grandmothers, and they learned it from their mothers and grandmothers. And it takes somebody really, really brave to wake up and say, all right, maybe it can be different. You know, maybe these patterns don't have to continue. And they don't. So, you know, the work that people are doing with me absolutely changes the lives of their children and repairs, you know, the family, even people that don't do the work. It's amazing, the generational healing that takes place, because we're all tapping into what's already possible, right? Like, everyone has the potential to have whatever it is that they're wanting in terms of relationships, families, career. So. So all we're doing in coaching is giving you tools to create from what's already there. It's not like, you know, you have to be God creating the ocean on the fifth day or anything. I mean, it's already available to you.

Exactly.

And so you're worth it. And we can't coach ourselves. All we know is what we've experienced until we get some new tools and a little bit more educated in some different stuff. This work is unconventional. It works. I really respect you, listener, for writing this email. I think you helped a lot of people today. And what I hope for you is that you get very clear about your worth and you raise that bar for you and those kids. And hopefully your husband is along for the ride. And if he's not, I promise you, you can get through it.

I was. I was waiting for you. I was waiting for more. I actually thought you had more coming.

I could keep going.

I know you could.

Days and days, but I know you could. I want you to.

I wish. I wish you could see the look at her face right now.

I want you to give yourself huge credit for even taking the step to acknowledge the reality of your situation. That's. That's tremendous.

Absolutely takes a lot of go because there's a lot of people that would just take it because that's just what they're used to doing.

Right.

So please keep us. Please keep us updated on this.

Definite. Thank you so much for the email. Keep the emails coming.

It is Confession Tuesday. It is local life coach Rebecca Silence Inspired results. Coach. Com. Fantastic work as always, everyone.

Have a beautiful week.

All right, we're going to break Big Papa in the Morning on KISS fm.