Confession Tuesday 6-18-13 HUSBAND HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM pt1

It is confession Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.

Good morning.

All right, so this is how we roll it. Is you telling us what's going on in your world, and Rebecca is a local life coach. And what. What we do is we get through the muck and the. The. It's almost like we get through the emotions of the stuff and get to, like, the. The root of the problem. We do to help you get whatever you want out of the situation.

Sure, it's so easy to focus on the symptoms of the problem, but we do. We get right to the root of it and help people get out of their own way. Because I believe that we create our experience and there's 25% of everyone, they can't see. I call it a blind zone. So what we do is we get people seeing 100% of what they're doing so they can get into a little more action and control of their situation and create more of what they're looking for.

So if you want details to have Rebecca help you with your workplace corporate training, do corporate talks, or whether it just be with you in your relationship or your family or whatever. Inspired Results, coach.com inspired results coach.com and you can also add on Facebook and Twitter as well. All right, so you email us big papa@cnykiss.com b I g p o p p a@cnykiss.com and what we do is we take these emails and we handle them right here on the air confidentially, so no one knows who you are. And you end up helping so many more people just by having the courage to.

Everyone can relate. I have a new client, and she told me she'd done a couple of sessions with me. She went to work, and she started listening to every one of our segments because she hadn't heard us before. And, you know, it's so great. You can go online. You can go to the website. You can. You can hear all of these segments. And really, your emails are changing people's lives. So we appreciate them. We want you to keep emailing us.

Absolutely. Emails, bigpapny kiss.com all right, here we go. Dear Big Papa and Rebecca, I've been married for a number of years and have a few young children. My husband has increasingly become more and more dependent on alcohol. It's to the point where we can't pay our bills each month because of what he is spending on alcohol. Few weeks ago, he told me he was. When he was drunk that he was seriously thinking about cheating on me just to blank me off. He will even wake up in the night and call me names and claims. He, quote, unquote, doesn't remember because he was drunk, so it shouldn't matter to me. He has since told me that he started texting a woman that we both have known for a while. He says he felt very guilty about it, and that's why he told me he doesn't want to lose his family. He claims that he doesn't remember what was said and that she initiated it. He swears that it did not go any further than a few text messages. He swears that he has done and deleted and blocked her number. I've confronted her about it. She apologized to the point where it makes me think that it went farther than just texting. She also claims that she was drunk. I have no way of knowing what really happened. My husband does not think that he has a problem with alcohol. I have even come out and said that he needs to make a choice. Does he want his family or alcohol? Because it's coming to the point where he cannot have both. I do not want my children thinking that drinking is a way of life. I feel really confused and stuck. I never in my life thought I would lose trust in my husband or even be considering leaving. He just doesn't get it, and I'm afraid he won't straighten up until it's too late. I just want my husband back. But even if he does stop the drinking, I'm not sure I can fully trust him again. After he went as far as initiating an affair. Even though I'm told it didn't go that far, I really lost.

Thank you. That's a brave email. And, you know, my heart goes out to anyone who is in an addiction or someone who loves someone who's in an addiction. It's a disease. It is not. It's so easy to think, all right, you have someone you know, and I'm not suggesting that your husband is in an addiction, but when we are talking addiction, it's easy, I think, for people to feel like the person who's addicted is choosing the addiction over them. And I'm gonna suggest that addictions take over. This is a very delicate topic. I've actually done a lot of personal work on my own in addiction. A lot of people I love are in some form of addiction. I've learned about it and worked through my own issues here. Um, it's a delicate subject because there's nothing you can do for your husband in the drinking. 0. So ultimatums, telling him, you know, what he can do. And then doing a takeaway, that's not gonna help your cause. Giving him an ultimatum, you pick this or this.

Well, in any situation, if you, if you drop an ultimatum, it's gonna blow up in your face. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what the situation is, right?

So my work, this type of coaching really about preserving relationships, that is my goal above all else. My goal is to help people repair relationships, create relationships that they really want, that are fulfilling. That last. So, you know, ultimatums are dangerous and it will, it will definitely set off a bomb and, you know, probably get you farther from what you're wanting. However, there are boundaries that could be set in your world and you're the only one that can do it for you. So I think everyone listening, if you're feeling like your boundaries have been crossed, and what I mean by a boundary is you feel some level of violation, even if it's just a little bit, you feel like your rights have been violated, your natural born rights to be respected and treated as an equal to everyone else on the planet. But if you're feeling like your boundaries are not being respected, then you haven't set them. You haven't set them. And it's very possible to set a boundary. Meaning I very clearly state what I need and how I'm going to take care of myself anyway. And that second half of the definition is the part that I think a lot of people don't ever get where it's not just an empty threat. This is what I need from you. This is what I want. It's, this is what I want. And here's how I'm going to get it, regardless of what you do. So if I am going to be, you know, meeting Gary for lunch and he's late once, I can tell him I'd love to go to lunch with you. If you're gonna be late, I'm gonna leave at this time, I'm gonna stay for this long and then I'm gonna leave. And I still love you, but I'm not gonna wait 30 minutes for you. If we hadn't agreed on time.

For the record, I've never been half an hour late for a lunch.

He has always been on time for lunch with me.

Just wanna throw that out there, but.

It'S a little example. But if I have the do, if we feel like we're stuck, it's a lie. We're not. I always have the ability to take care of myself. I always have the ability to be my own biggest cheerleader and My own advocate. If I'm not my own advocate, no one will be.

Right.

And the part that gets delicate here is I think a lot of times people don't know what they want, right? Clients come into my office, we're working on boundaries, they don't actually know what they want. And then they have this experience of having their boundaries crossed, but they never knew what they wanted, so they couldn't set it up with a solid foundation ahead of time. So what I'm going to suggest is that you start getting focused on what you're wanting. Everyone out there listening, not how you get what you want. So if we have an agenda, if we're attached to an outcome or a certain how in terms of where the goal is going to come from or how we're going to arrive there, in my experience, you're set up for a lot of disappointment and you really limit yourself. Right. If I think things have to be a certain way, for example, when I opened Inspired results, if I thought, you know, advertising had to be a certain way, marketing had to have been a certain way, I would have totally missed the boat on Confession Tuesday. Right? I mean, this was just almost like divine intervention because I was open to possibilities. So the more open you are to possibilities and the more clear you are about what you want, the better off you're going to be. I want you, listener who wrote this email to research mental abuse. When there's name calling, when there is physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse in a relationship, this is where I'm gonna suggest, whether you've seen it or not, your boundaries are being crossed and this is an unsafe situation. It's absolutely not acceptable to be mentally abused. And what happens is kids don't get a vote. Right? So there are a lot of kids who are mentally abused and they really have no control over it. There's nothing they can do. They don't have language to stand up for themselves or the means. But as adults, what happens is as kids, we were mentally abused. So now as an adult, we have this experience that that's normal and it keeps getting recreated.

Right? And you're. And you're almost more accepting of it. It's just because people are used to it up to that point. So there's a certain level of acceptance of that kind of treatment. Doesn't matter who it's from, whether it's from a boss or whether it's from, you know, a partner or whatever. That's. You know, some people are just kind of used to a certain level of it and, and It's. It's funny because in a romantic relationship, some people almost expect it and, you know, don't know what to do without it.

Right? Yes, yes, yes. There's a lot of relationships where it's very high drama, and that's the norm, and that's just what works. But if you're in a relationship and you know that it's not working for you to be either mentally abusive or mentally abused again, if it's happening in your world, it's because it's something you grew up with and it became acceptable in some way or normal for you. Even though it sounds so twisted, but it's true. I mean, we don't continue anything in our lives that we don't want or that we don't, you know, have in our hearts is what we're supposed to have. Right. Like your bar right now could be raised, is what I'm suggesting, in terms of how you're being treated. But it does start with how you treat yourself and whether or not you're willing to communicate. So an example of healthy boundaries would be like stating to your husband that, you know, I need to be treated with respect. I want to repair our relationship. If you can't treat me with respect, I may need to take a separation break from you until we can either repair the relationship or we decide to go our separate ways. Now, it's not an ultimatum, because you're giving this person an opportunity to work with you. You're only talking about you. They're not wrong. Right? People are gonna do what they do. They're doing what works for them. And we don't have control over changing other people. What we do have control over is saying what we need and making sure that we take care of that and handle it ourselves. So, you know, I would suggest really researching mental abuse, looking at why this is normal for you, where it came from, where there's that little kid in you that might need some healing around it. And then, you know, we want to get you in a healthy situation. I tell my couples, you know, we can repair any relationship, but if somebody is in an addiction, they're going to need to get sober before any work can happen. It's just. It's just the hard truth. I've had only one or two clients that I wouldn't work with, and it's because they were in active addictions and they weren't gonna get sober. So I told them, all the money you're gonna spend with me will do nothing for you until you're sober. So you know, it is very delicate. My heart goes out to you. You deserve, if you want to be in a monogamous relationship, to be in a monogamous relationship. You deserve to be in an honest relationship. But I want you to think about where you're not being honest and. And you not telling your truth, that's a form of dishonesty. You withholding your truth and not standing up for yourself, that's not being honest with yourself because you deserve to be treated in whatever way you want.

So no good.

These kids are following you. Is the other piece that I want to mention.

I was, I was actually. What I was going to do is I was actually going to take a break. The whole it seems like the kid angle on this story is going to be like a whole other segment.

Great.

So why don't we do this? Why don't we take a break, come back. It is confession Tuesday.

The homework for this piece is to research mental abuse and to write down exactly what you're wanting out of your relationship. Right. Like I want a monogamous relationship. I want honesty. I want to do some type of repair work with my husband. Whatever the things are that you're wanting and everyone out there listening, think about how this relates to you and whatever you're wanting more of, write it all down so that we can start to make this a reality.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com it is a confession Tuesday right here on Kiss FM. Email Big Papa at CNY Kiss dot com.