A short radio/YouTube conversational segment (June 2014) where life coach Rebeccah Silence and the host respond to a listener who discovered her boyfriend had Tinder. The exchange explains what Tinder is, explores relationship trust and commitment, and advises confident, honest communication, internal self-validation, and aligning commitment levels rather than retaliatory tactics.
It is confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.
Good morning.
Inspired Results Coach.com is the website and all over the place. You are the. You are. You are one of the few people where I'm like, damn, she's busy.
Definitely bouncing around, which is great. Really grateful. Tonight I'll be at the Radisson for a night of mystery minds and mediums. I'll be speaking at that event. You can check out details on Facebook.
Is that you know what, like Ouija boards and stiff as a board, light as a flower.
They're gonna be psychics there.
What? Really? Light as a fluffer. I don't know. I was the fat fluffer.
I don't know. You'll have to come check it out. I don't know about fluffers, but I know there will be psychics. And I'm gonna be talking about the importance of learning how to internally validate yourself without needing external validation. Things from the outside world to make you feel good.
Nice. And if you bump into me, I'll show. I'll talk your ear off about the importance of fluffers. So that works out well. You can also follow Rebecca on. On Facebook and on Twitter. Just look for inspired results coach, and you're good to go. So here's how it works. On a confession Tuesday, you go to cnykiss.com youm can listen to past segments. Rebecca is a life coach. She's not a therapist. She is a life coach. Her job is to get you to. You want to go.
Right? People have the answers inside of themselves. And what we're doing is we're looking at whatever strategies you're using that are keeping you farther away from the results that you're looking for, replacing them with new strategies. And I'm watching people build businesses, repair relationships. It's incredible work.
So go to cnykiss.com and tell us your story. Are you ready for the email?
I am.
All right, here we go. Dear Rebecca, I've been going out with a guy for a month after we met at a bar and immediately hit it off. But I was using his phone to show him something over the weekend, and I saw that he had Tinder on his phone. I asked him why he had it, and he said his friend downloaded it to his phone as a joke. Is it weird that he still has Tinder on his phone? Should I believe him that he doesn't actually use it now? Do you know. Do you know what Tinder is? I don't. Okay, so Tinder, what it is, it's it's an app that is legit just for hookups. Oh. So you, you open up Tinder and it's picture. And if you swipe one way it's a no, and if you swipe the other way it's a yes. And if you both swipe yes to each other, they'll say you both swipe yes. And then you can, you know, hey, what's up? Da da da. So it's legit, like a hook up site.
So I didn't even know that much detail about it. I knew it was a hookup site. Yeah, I didn't know about the swiping piece of things.
Okay, well, no, it's, it's, you know, it's, you know, to the left, to the right, to the left, to the. Okay, sorry.
So thank you. Thank you for the email. You know, trust is so important in relationships and this is still, it sounds like a young relationship and you know, you're probably at that phase where the fun is there, but now reality is starting to sink in and that happens in all relationships. And so what I would say is that follow your intuition and just be willing to communicate. You know, I remember Mark and I had been together, I don't know, two years or something and I was seeing in his email, looking over his shoulder one day like, I don't even remember what it was, like zoosk messages or something and online dating. And I start joking about, I won't tell you what it was, but the name, the profile name. And he's like, I have no idea how to get off this. He just started freaking out.
He's like, I don't know how to.
Close down the discount and it's constantly coming up and we ended up having a really big laugh about it. And I showed him how to close down the account because I knew how to close it down. So, you know, I think that you've got maybe a red flag here. But no reason to take it to the extreme yet. I think it's about having an honest conversation, talking about, so is this a committed relationship? Is this an open relationship? What are you looking for? And I know that there are a lot of people, men and women, who get real nervous about that conversation, the where is this going? Conversation. But I'm going to tell people, don't be afraid of it because if you're with someone who, who's not on the same commitment level as you, they're not bad or wrong. And it's really good for you to be aware of that or vice versa. If you find that you're not on the same commitment level as the other person. Really, probably the fair thing is to let them go if, you know, I'm just not in the place where I'm willing to be committed. I had a guy in my office yesterday, and we were talking about he's coaching on wanting a great relationship. And then really what he's committed to more right now is being single. And I said to him, what would happen if you gave yourself permission to just be single? Why not give yourself permission to be where you want to be right now? Why put so much pressure on yourself to have a relationship if you don't want it, that's okay. And he just looked at me with these huge eyes, like, I could really give myself permission to just be single.
That's okay.
And I'm thinking, of course, of course. Wherever you are, that's exactly where you're going to be. And no other person is going to be able to. To help you shift, right? Like, if you're not wanting to be committed, there's no person that's gonna help you all of a sudden become committed, and it's okay. So it's just about making sure you're on the same page that you're wanting to go in the same direction.
Okay. So for this girl, the email says they've been going out for about a month or so. So what is the next step for her?
So, you know, I would be really conscious of. Of how you're speaking to him about this. You know, blaming and accusations and fear. It's gonna radiate off of you like the sun and probably won't be the most attractive you've ever been in your life. So instead of coming across really insecure, I would just be really confident about where it is that you're wanting to go and asking him if he is up for the same type of thing.
Or you can download Tinder on your phone, too, and make sure that he sees it.
Oh, yeah, that's a great idea.
And this is why you're not a life coach. What?
Well, but people do this all the time. In all seriousness, they try to fight fire with fire, and that just keeps your relationship in a state of war. So I don't recommend that. I recommend honesty and being confident about whatever you're looking for because you deserve it. And maybe the other person is going to be up for the same thing, and maybe they're not better to find out. Better to find out after a month and 10 years.
Very true. Very true. And a lot of times a lot of hurt feelings. And when you're not on the same page, when, you know, when one's on one page, you know, one level and somebody else is on the other. And a lot of times that's where a lot of disappointment and hurt feelings happen. Right?
Absolutely. And resentment. And I'm just suggesting give people the space to be exactly where they are. They're not gonna change even if you want them to. And you're doing self inflicted suffering when you're wishing someone was different, you know, and just that whatever information you're getting, it's probably for your best interest. I had a friend who ended up finding her fiance on match.com I remember it was terrible story she found on match.com his profile and he was wearing the outfit she had bought him that Christmas. It was like two weeks after Christmas and she was devastated. And then I remember just thinking, what a blessing that you saw this. What a blessing that you didn't actually walk down the aisle and marry him. Right. I mean, just consider that all of the information, it's the universe conspiring in your favor. It's a good thing. Wherever you want to be in terms of your relationships, you can have it. And then sometimes we have to weed out the garden.
Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com do you have a story? Do you have a question? Hit us up@cnykiss.com More on a confession Tuesday coming up.
