A Confession Tuesday radio/YouTube segment (June 28, 2016) where a listener asks life coach Rebeccah Silence about pressuring her boyfriend for marriage after two years together. Rebeccah advises clarifying why the listener wants marriage, discussing definitions and shared vision with a partner, practicing patience (as requested by the boyfriend), and having sober, vulnerable conversations rather than only when drinking. She assigns homework: each partner write and share their definition of an ideal relationship.
So here's how we roll out a confession Tuesday. You submit your questions@cnykiss.com Rebecca handles them confidentially here on the air and helps not only you, but everyone listening throughout Central New York. Alright, so here's the question. You ready?
Okay.
Yeah. Okay. Dear Rebecca, my boyfriend and I have been together for more than two years. Our relationship is incredible. It's the most secure and at peace in a relationship ever. With that being said, apparently over the last couple months when we drink, I bring up the subject of marriage and how I'm ready, willing and able. I don't mean to, it just comes out. And he's never responded negatively. He just always says, quote, just be patient with me. If it were up to me, I would have asked him already. But how do I maintain where we're at without smothering him about it and putting too much pressure on him about it? Or have I done that already? So that is the question. Okay, Rebecca's gonna marinate on it and she's going to respond. Get Rebecca's coaching on this. Coming up next on a Confession Tuesday here on Kiss FM 97.
91055 Kiss FM 7, it's Liz and Big Papa.
And it is a confession Tuesday with life coach Rebecca. Silence in studio and inspired results. Coach.com is the website. So the question is it's a girl emailing about the boyfriend they've been with together for two years, awesome relationship, but every time she drinks, she brings up marriage. And he says, just be patient with me. And she's wondering how to proceed without being smothering. And she also mentioned that if she could, she would have asked him already. So what is, what do you, what do you feel about this?
Yeah, thank you so much for this email. I think the first thing I want to say is for everyone wanting to get married, just make sure you know why. Why do you want to get married? Is it because it's what's supposed to happen next? Is it because you have this kind of fairytale fantasy of what you think marriage is going to look like? Is it because this is the, that you wanna grow with for the rest of your life that you know is gonna grow you more than anyone else? And I'm not saying marriage is bad. I've been married twice. I'm very happy in my second marriage. I love it. I adore my husband. But one of the things that as a couples coach I see in my office is that people don't have these conversations often enough prior to getting married. What does marriage mean to you, this is what marriage means to me. What does love mean to you? This is what love means to me.
You mean it's different for, for everybody?
Absolutely.
Really?
So this is a huge breakdown for couples. They have different interpretations of what they think being parents should look like, what family should look like, what sex should look like, different values and things about how they want money to go. People don't have these conversations enough prior to getting married. And then you're gonna have different answers. Everyone has different definitions of love, family, intimacy, marriage. And then we just need to get a shared definition, a shared value vision for both people. So just to be proactive, be thinking about what you really want out of a marriage and make sure that you've communicated that and that you've asked the questions of your partner. What do you want? What do you see this looking like? To make sure you're gonna go in the same direction and then understand, you know, marriage is not supposed to be grueling, but it definitely requires a ton of effort.
Right.
And recommitting every single day because you're gonna have every, every opportunity and invitation. Life's gonna happen. And then that shared vision is what can get you through. The other big breakdown that can happen is often once people get married, they become their parents. Oh, that's terrifying. They do. Let me tell you why. So people become what they saw marriage look like.
Right?
Right. So I'm gonna do what wives do, I'm gonna do what husband checking in with themselves to figure out, is this how I want to be? It's often autopilot, but we become what we think marriage is supposed to be.
What you saw and what you learned from your parents. Right? Right.
A great deal of the time, my first marriage was very much me just playing the part. And a lot of people say, I don't understand what happened. We were so happy before we got married and now we're married. What changed? Usually unconsciously, it's just stepping into that now I have to be my parents role. Ok. And that's all that it was. So the good news is now we can figure out, okay, if you're not being your parents, who would you be?
Okay, so with that being said, how from the email, it seems like she doesn't want to over pressure him into the commitment. What's a good way to kind of go about that?
So I love that he told you to be patient. Now you're asking a question to a coach that absolutely isn't patient at all with myself and my goals. I'm learning.
At Least you know that about me.
Oh, my gosh, yes. And it's okay to be impatient because that means that you're really committed and you're really hungry for your goals and you know what you want. So I love that. And so I'm practicing patience in my personal life every single day, and I'm gonna encourage you to do the same thing. And this is what your partner asked you to do, which tells me he hears you. So one of the worst things that a partner can do is just berate, berate, berate, hammer, hammer, hammer. You're eventually gonna like the Charlie Brown teacher, and your partner won't hear you anymore.
Right?
So it sounds like you've made your point clear. It sounds like your partner heard you and he's just asking for a little time. If January rolls around and we are no farther along, then I might suggest that you have another conversation. What's happening? Where are we headed? Do we want the same things? But for now, it sounds like you made yourself clear. And then I would just encourage you. Don't be afraid to tell your truth and ask for what you want when you're sober either, because it said that in this email. You're only having these conversations and asking these question when you've been drinking. That's not good or bad or right or wrong. I'm not criticizing you. I'm just saying be brave enough to tell your truth, especially when you're sober. And that's part of what relationship is, is being vulnerable and sharing yourself. My coach, Heather Steele, out in Denver, Colorado, was saying on a class this week that people think that in relationship, you're supposed to give to the other person. It's not about that. It's about giving yourself to them. You don't have to give anything to them except your authentic self. That's awesome.
That's awesome.
When you think of it that way, it takes off a lot of pressure.
Life coach Rebecca Silence. Confession Tuesday. Absolutely awesome. Of course, if you missed any of it and you want to hear some of the backlogs and whatnot, you can subscribe to Rebecca's channel on YouTube, but you can also go to cnykiss.com and they're all listed there as well.
Yeah, and Gary will post this one later on this week as well. So my homework for everyone in committed relationships is to actually write down your definition of relationship. What's your ideal relationship look like? And then whoever you're with, ask them to share their definition with you.
Awesome. Confession Tuesday. Life coach Rebecca Silence. We'll do it again this coming Tuesday here on Kiss fm.
