Confession Tuesday 6-3-14 TRUST AND TRUTH IN RELATIONSHIPS

So right now, confession Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.

Good morning.

So inspired results. Coach.com is the website of course like them on Facebook and also follow them on Twitter as well. And something very cool happening tonight, correct?

Yes. We have our coaching circle. They're just the first Tuesday of the month for the summer months. Tonight from 7 to 8pm at the office in Whitesboro. It's just $15. And tonight we're. What we're gonna be talking about is the importance of telling the truth.

That's the topic about what?

Everything. Because anytime you're not telling the truth and everybody has to understand that a lie by omission is still a lie. It might even be a bigger lie than a bold faced lie. And when you lie, it strokes you being in victim to yourself.

And when you say lie by omission because a lot of people don't understand it.

Leaving it out. Yeah, I told you, I tell the whole truth.

Yeah. There's a difference between the half truth.

I told you the truth. Well, I didn't lie. I just didn't tell you whole story. But anytime that's going on, you're just reinforcing that. You think there's something wrong with you and you become a victim.

And there's normally that one piece of information that just happens to be let out normally is pretty important.

And not to mention the fact that when you're lying, even lies by omission, you train people that they can lie to you.

Right.

That becomes the foundation of the relationship. Doesn't work. So we're going to talk about lies tonight.

All right, so.

And we all have them.

Absolutely. The way this works is you go to cnykiss.com and you'll actually be able to listen to all of our past segments. They're all up there. You can go through, you can pick and choose. And they're all marked by like what the topics are and whatnot. So you can pick and choose that. Also subscribe to Rebecca's YouTube page and they all show up there as well. So you can go check that out. What I want to talk to you about on this segment is actually something that just happened to Banna.

Okay.

Earlier today, actually she had a. She's one of those people that has a lot of guy friends. Not boyfriends, but guy, you know, friends that are guys. And she just got confronted by this guy's girlfriend, you know, trying to like mark her territory, hey, stop texting my guy, blah, blah, blah. When all they were trying to do was reconnect to catch up. Okay, so from. From that kind of situation, number one, from. From Bana's point of view, what's a good way to kind of handle that? But also, too, if you're the girl that feels like they need to, you know, mark the territory, what's a good way to kind of help that as well?

Mm.

Yeah. So, Banna.

Yeah.

How did you respond when this happened?

Well, I just simply, like, apologized. I was like, I'm sorry if you feel like I. I'm, like, coming off as something that I'm not. I was like, it's not like that. He's my friend. We've been friends since we were in high school. So I was like, I respect that you guys are together. If you want me to stop talking to him, then I will.

Okay. And is that real for you? Like, are you okay with not talking to him?

Honestly? I mean, I don't feel like I should have to because we're just friends. Like, I have a boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. I'm not gonna do anything to hurt my boyfriend. And. And in no way, shape, or form do I want to, like, get with this guy, I guess you could say. And honestly, I feel like when girls make their boyfriends stop talking to their girlfriends because they're intimidated by them, it's an insecurity thing with them. That's how I feel.

So I can tell you're upset about this.

It's not that. I'm really upset because, honestly, I can stop talking to him. It's not that big of a deal. If that's what she wants, I can do it, but I don't feel like it's necessary.

But do you hear how. And I'm not making you wrong, but do you hear how you're contradicting yourself?

Yeah.

Because you're saying on one hand. And I could. I could tell you're a little bit upset, and that's okay. Whether it's that you're angry or sad, whatever it is, it's okay to be upset about this. But see, no girlfriend can make their boyfriend do anything.

Yeah.

And any girlfriend that's gonna try to make their boyfriend do something, that boyfriend is going to end up either breaking up with them later or there could be an affair. It's gonna blow up the relationship. And it happens with. With the boyfriends, with the girlfriends too. Anytime you're in that codependent dynamic where one person is trying to change the other one, it's a recipe for disaster for the relationship.

And that's not just boyfriend Girlfriend. That's husband, wife.

Absolutely.

You know, that's even, you know, brother.

Sister, even boss, employee.

Oh, absolutely.

That can happen in the workplace. Absolutely. It's definitely any type of relationship. This dynamic can happen. But see, here's. Here's the thing. If you just, you know, kind of tuck your tail between your legs and apologize for something that you don't actually believe you should apologize for, it undermines you.

Yeah.

So you're undermining yourself here. And again, I'm not making you wrong. I just want you to consider that leadership in this situation would be honesty. And this is exactly what we're talking about tonight in the coaching circle.

See what I did? You're welcome.

But this is exactly it, because, you know, it's not true that you feel sorry about anything. And it's okay to say, you know what? My intention was not to upset you. I want you to understand that I'm not interested in your boyfriend in any way other than a friend. That's honest.

Yeah, right.

But saying, oh, I'm so sorry, I could stop talking to him, that's not actually honest for you because it goes against who you really are. Do you see what I mean?

Yeah.

So, see, in these situations, I think the best thing people can do is be honest and get in leaders. And when you're apologizing and saying, okay, forget it. I just won't talk to him anymore, then it strokes this girl's insecurity that you're describing. It gives that insecurity the power instead of helping diffuse the insecurity. Do you see what I mean?

Yeah.

So we're either part of the drama or we're part of defusing the drama in any conflict in any relationship at.

The same time, you know, her just being like, look, whatever. That's, you know, it's your world, you know, that's. That's avoiding, you know, getting in the middle of drama, you know, and that. That's okay. You know, that a lot of people would do that, just be like, look, I don't want any problems. You know, handle your thing. I'm not trying to. And, you know, she explained that I'm not trying to get the guy, but, you know, go, do you. Whatever. And that's. And that's it. And that's a way of avoiding drama for, you know, for that person and.

Not getting the middle of that just for the moment. Because the truth is, if you think this is a bunch of BS and you want to talk to your friend and. And you're gonna talk to him, Anyway, then you make it even worse by, okay, I just told her I wasn't gonna talk to him. And then he calls and we go out to lunch to talk about this just happened. And I'm not saying you're gonna do that, but you see where you could set yourself up to have. Now it really looks kind of shady all of a sudden. If so the best thing you can do is tell the truth and say, hey, you know, this is innocent. This is totally innocent. And. And you know, if you and your boyfriend need to have a conversation with me, we can. You know, I'm definitely not interested in him in any way other than a friend. And then it's between him and her.

Yeah.

So you don't want to be taking the limelight so she could take her issues out on her relationship on you, instead of handling it with him. Because it's really with him.

Okay, so what's a good like thing of homework for. For the girlfriend?

Yeah, so that's exactly where I was gonna go next. So when someone's having insecurity in a relationship, the first thing I wanna say is there's probably a reason why, right? It's not necessarily that you're crazy for having this insecurity. There's probably a reason for it. It might be coming from your past issues that you haven't dealt with. It might be coming from you actually have evidence that this relationship isn't as close as it was before. But there's probably a reason. So the best thing you can do is get closer instead of pushing your partner away, get closer and have an honest conversation. And the way you want to have that conversation is by only talking about you. This is the best way to have difficult conversations. Only talk about you. Don't tell your partner what they're doing wrong. Don't tell them what, what they're doing that's causing you upset. Don't tell them that it's their fault that the relationship is in trouble. If you get into that blame, then there's no way to come out of that conflict in a healthy way. So instead of that, just talk about you. Imessages. This is what I want. This is what I need. This is how I feel. And then it's totally non accusatory. You know, I'm feeling a little sad. I'm feeling like we're not as connected as we could be. I want to know if there's anything going on with you and this person. I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just having a thought. So I wanted to check it out with you so that I wasn't worried about it anymore. It's very different than what are you doing with this girl? I just checked your phone and I found out that you're texting her. This doesn't work at all. What are you doing? Very different energies. Absolutely. So if you're insecure, get that. That's okay. And check it out. Before, you and I were just talking off the air about how easy it can be to make assumptions and run with it. You think somebody is saying one thing, you didn't actually check it out. Now you're in huge drama. Check it out, but only talk about you while you're doing it. That's the homework. And then on the flip side, for anybody in that situation, if somebody is coming at you with an accusation, be honest and don't apologize for anything that's not actually your fault. If it's not actually real for you because it's a setup because you're probably not going to do what you said you would.

Yeah.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com here on a confession Tuesday. Cnykiss. Com. Let us know your story and we'll do another one coming up next here on KISS fm.