A listener describes a brief relationship with a controlling partner. Life coach Rebeccah Silence says others can't make you feel anything, and offers two paths: end it, or both commit to coaching and communication work to break the pattern.
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It's Liz and Big Papa, and it is a confession. Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca Silence in inspired results. Coach.com you ready for. For the question of the week?
I sure am. I have been ready.
All right. Dear Rebecca, I was dating this guy for a couple months before realizing that he was controlling. He made me feel guilty all the time for not texting back or hanging out with my family. He was manipulating me into staying with him, saying I was going to ruin his life and break his heart if I left him. I know that for me, I could not continue the relationship. He now sends me messages of how awful I am and how I ruined his life and that he's depressed and it's my fault. How do I respond? Or do I not respond at all?
This is such a good question. And I do specialize in couples and family coaching. I offer couples intensives where couples can work with me for a full day or two. And one of the biggest things that I work on in the couples coaching and in the couples intensives is helping both people in the relationship to feel free while they are in the relationship. One of the things that I noticed the most is that people end up losing a part of their identity and a part of themselves too much of the time because they're trying to keep the relationship together and make the other person happy.
So there. So a lot of people make a sacrifice, a personal sacrifice of themselves to try to save the relationship.
And what I'm gonna say is that's on you. So the first thing that I wanna say to the listener that wrote in the email is, good job for recognizing what isn't working. And on the other side of the coin, I would invite you to take responsibility for the fact that nobody can make you feel guilty. He can't make you feel guilty, and he can't control you unless you let him. So everyone out there, think about that.
Say that again. He can't control you.
He cannot control you. And he has no ability to make you feel anything unless it's all on you. So there is no unless. He can't make you feel no.
Unless you let him. But it's still, no one can control you unless you let them. That's what I was waiting for you.
To say again, but I'm not gonna say it, okay? Because it isn't about unless you let them. It's just not possible, okay, for other people to make you feel anything. Gary, shut up. I'm on a roll. You're so cute. But you're saying what a lot of people think. Right, Right. Like, unless that's my job. Right, Right, exactly. This is why our show is so much fun for me. So other people can't make you feel anything. I'm going to suggest take what you want and leave the rest. They are bringing out what's already in you. So we learn how we show up when we're in relationship. You learn way more about yourself in a relations will anywhere else. So I'm saying that if you feel guilty, you've got guilt issues, period. It's not about this guy. And if you're noticing that you feel guilty, that's a first step in healing it. The other thing is we attract what we're used to. So part of it may be that you're also controlling. I want you to think about that. Right. You're in this game where you think other people can control you, which probably means that you do it too. What we judge other people do, I guarantee you do it also. Just take a look at it. You don't have to believe me. But if you're feeling controlled, where do you attempt to maybe even control yourself? It doesn't even have to be that you do it to other people. But yes, being guilted into submission in relationship, not healthy. Trying to control the other person, not healthy. And again, this is one of the biggest things I see in my couples work where people are trying to get the other one to do something. And there's almost like if you do it, there will be a reward. If you don't, there will be a punishment. Usually not spoken. But that's the dynamic. And no relationship can sustain that.
Absolutely.
So what I'm gonna suggest is get really, really clear about your own emotions and your own needs and get responsible for it. And get off of that victim train where you're accusing someone else of causing you to be in this breakdown because it's not his fault. Another thing that I'll hear is, well, if I just end the relationship with him, I'll be done with this experience. I'm gonna suggest. No, you won't. You're just gon find a boss or another partner or a new best friend that quote, unquote makes you feel the same way because that's what you think happens to you.
How many people do you know all of a sudden they go from, you know, either boyfriend or boyfriend or girlfriend or girlfriend, but all of a sudden they always seem to have one person who is picking on them or making them feel a certain Way or whatever. This is what we're talking about, right?
Absolutely. And now I want to speak for the partner who is being accused of being controlling for a second. I have also been that person in relationship. I' been on the victim train where I felt guilty and controlled and manipulated. I've done the controlling and manipulative behavior, believe me. And then one of the things that I've learned is when there's someone that gets really loud in the relationship, it's usually because they're afraid the relationship's gonna end. So what if your partner is actually fighting for you in the only way that he or she knows how to, and it's not intentionally trying to break your spirit or break you down? Now, I'm not justifying this or saying that it's okay. I'm not condoning it, but I'm saying if you could say to your partner, listen, thank you for loving me. Thank you for wanting this to work. The way you are speaking to me, the way you are behaving makes me want to run. So unless we do some work together, unless you can learn how to talk to me differently, and I can learn how not to break when I'm afraid I'm going to lose you, I don't know how this is going to work. So let's get some support. Let's get a coach. Let's get a therapist or someone to help us learn how to communicate differently so we can make it work.
So what should she do? She's already. She's already broken up.
I would be looking at. All right, do you actually want the relationship to be over? Or if it could be different, would you want to make it work? That's the first thing to consider. If you're just done, then be done. But if there's a part of you that is missing, this person that wishes it could have worked, then I'm going to suggest it can. Any two people can make a relationship work. The controlling, manipulative behavior is going to support both of you in losing a part of yourself, which eventually means the relationship will blow up. So the homework is for all couples out there. Take responsibility for how you feel. Your partner can't make you feel anything. The second thing is notice. Are you wanting your partner to change so that you can feel more secure? And if so, I'm gonna tell you that's toxic and dangerous, and your relationship probably won't last if both of you are trying to control each other.
Life coach Rebecca. Silence. Inspired results. Coach.com on a confession. That was absolutely awesome.
Thank you for this email. Please keep your emails coming. Don't forget we have spots at the retreat and supply road. Coach.com everybody have a great week.
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