A listener asks whether to commit to someone who's leaving for a final year of school out of state. Rebeccah Silence says get explicit about what you both want, set boundaries you can actually keep, and be ready to change the deal as you go.
Questions this video answers
7/19/16
cmykiss.com
InspiredResultsCoach.com
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Is a confession Tuesday. Life coach Rebecca silence is in Studio. Inspired results. Coach.com so here's what we do on a confession Tuesday. You go to cmykiss.com and you tell us what's going on in your world. And Rebecca, who is a life coach, will handle it confidentially here on the area. We've been doing it for years and there's a backlog@cmykiss.com of all the confession Tuesdays that we've done up to this point. Are you ready?
I am ready.
All right, here we Dear Rebecca, I broke up with my boyfriend and was enjoying being single for the first time in years. Then I met this new guy. At first it was nothing, but now I want so badly for it to turn into something. He's going away for his last year of school out of state, though I've never done long distance and I don't want to hold him back from having fun in his last year of school. He's leaving it in a month. What should we do? Label it? Not label it. I'm not quite sure.
Thank you for the email. So I think that relationships work when both people are committed to doing whatever it takes to make the relationship work and when there are really clear agreements and great communication between the two individuals. So I would suggest that for any couple out there, the only thing that matters is whether or not your relationship is working for the two of you. So I think where a lot of people get into trouble is when they're trying to design their relationship based on what they think it should look like and based on what other people that they know have done or what they think they should be doing.
Okay.
And so what I'm gonna suggest is throw all that away and start looking at your relationship and how it's gonna serve the two of you without worrying about what other people would be doing instead or what other people will think about it. So with all of that being said, the other piece to this puzzle for me is making sure that in five years, in 10 years, in 20 years, I'm not going to have regrets. So you don't want to hold your from his or her dreams, whoever you are out there. And if you do, think about how that's breeding ground for resentment later. Right? Be careful with that. So if you're really wanting to control your partner and have them show up a certain way so that you're happy, then they're gonna be not happy at all. And that's going to be toxic in your relationship. So with all this being said, what if long distance can work? For sure, as long as it's set up well. So the piece that I would encourage you to consider is just be really, really careful about agreeing to things that don't actually work for you. So if you say to your partner, I want you to have fun, go ahead and be with as many people as you want. I just don't want to know about it, or something like that. And then in your heart you're thinking to yourself, and if you do, I'm going to kill you. This is going to be a problem down the road, right? So setting it up to be the sweet perfect partner when inside you are very concerned won't actually work out. So be honest. I have concerns if this happens. I'm gonna be jealous, I'm gonna be insecure, I'm gonna be scared if this doesn't happen. How are we going to make this work after you're done with this year in school. But it's a game of looking at the right here, right now and the big picture, okay? So I want you in the long game of how are your decisions right now going to impact the potential for this relationship down the road? Of course, treat each other the way you want to be treated. But I would encourage you ridiculously honest conversation about what your fears are, about what your needs are, about what the solutions you think are going to work best are. And then here's the thing I teach in all of my coaching and in my retreats, I'm gonna give you a tip right now that I really look at for my own life. I think when you're brutally honest and when you are your most authentic self, one of three things are gonna happen with the people in your life. The first is they're gonna work with you. No problem. Thanks for telling me the truth. I'm gonn. The second thing is they'll get mad and get over it. Right? That happens often. Right? Right.
So they'll work with you. They'll get mad, get over it. And.
And the third thing is they're gonna go away. Okay? So if they go away, here's what I want you to consider. They were always looking for a reason to. And they are not choosing out on you. They are just choosing out. That's just their escape plan. That's what they do. It isn't you. No one will ever be able to treat you better than you treat yourself. So if people go away because you are hon. It's good to know. And the best part about it is it makes room for somebody else to come through the door.
But everything starts with a blunt, ridiculous conversation.
Super honest conversation. Absolutely. And if you're agreeing to things in your heart. Absolutely not. If you do that, I will punish you and I will make you pay. This is going to blow up later, so get on paper what your ideal scenario is. Whatever relationship you're in, whatever your issues are, what's your ideal scenario? It's very common for people to focus on the problems. I want you to focus on, focus on the solutions. What's your ideal? Have your partner do the same. Come together, negotiate as long as it takes until you both find a way to make this work. And then know you may have to work it again. It might. What you thought would work might not. And you might have to come to the table again.
You have to tweak it as you go.
Absolutely. And don't be afraid to get a coach or a therapist. I do couples coaching. I do couples intensives to make sure that your relationship is designed in such a way that it works for the two of you. That's all that matters.
InspiredResultsCoach.com and they're college students, so make sure you do it sober and that way you remember it.
That's a really great tip. You don't want to have these conversations under the influence.
Absolutely.
Brilliant coaching. Absolutely.
That's why I'm the closer. Bam. It is a confession. Tuesday, life coach Rebecca Silence. Hit her up online. Inspired results. Coach combination.
