A caller asks when to leave her boyfriend of two years. Life coach Rebeccah Silence says healthy conflict is normal, but watch for insults and threats. The real question: is it a communication problem you can fix, or a values mismatch you can't.
907-9-10-55, Kiss FM. Zed and Liam Payne. There is Gilo. It's Liz and big papa.
And it is a confession Tuesday. Life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.
Good Morning.
Inspired Results Coach.com if someone goes to Inspired Results Coach.com what do they see? What do they get at the website?
There are some video testimonials and some pretty specific descriptions of the different services that provide. And you'll just get a feel. For me, this work is unique and different because it's not about just helping people manage chaos or their pain. It's about helping people build a foundation for their lives that gives them what they want.
And we've been doing this for years and years and years. I can't believe five and a half.
Years, which is confession Tuesday. Yeah.
Wow.
It's been a while.
Do you realize that, number one, that made me feel old. And number two, over the weekend, somebody asked if Liz was my daughter.
Oh, no.
Yep.
That was the best thing ever.
Yeah. Yeah. For you.
Yeah, it was.
So, yeah, all these little things are starting to.
That is too funny.
So luckily, luckily I get here early enough where I park really close to the entrance because if I had a nine to fiver, someone absolutely to break my chops would, like, put a specific spot for me to right up front and put, like, you know, old person here.
Oh, geez.
Yeah. All right, so here's how it works. Seekiss.com submit your question for Rebecca, and she handles it right here on the air. Confidentially, are you ready?
I am.
All right. Dear Rebecca, my boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. There are times when it's the best relationship I've ever had. And then there are times when we argue where it feels like the worst thing ever. And I find myself thinking, what? Why am I still here? How do you know when it's time to give up on someone who's been such a big part of your life for so long?
Oh, this is such a good question. So, first of all, that's the definition of relationship, having both extremes, both ends of the pendulum. Right. Because relationship is actually a way for us to grow as individuals. It isn't just about fun. And if you're wanting a relationship where there's no conflict or fun, I promise you'll end up alone because it's just impossible. And I don't use the word impossible very often. My tagline is make the impossible possible. But to have a relationship without conflict is something that I don't believe exists. Right. So don't be afraid of the conflict. Use it. And what's really dangerous is if there's a couple that isn't fighting at all. You know why?
I would love to know why.
Because there's no passion. They don't care enough to fight. Oh, they're just complacent. How is that gonna be a relationship that. That lasts and fulfills anybody? Right? So I'm not talking about, like, fighting is a good thing. I teach couples in my couples coaching how to fight respectfully, how to get through conflict in a way where you're still respecting each other.
How do you fight? How do you fight? Huh?
Don't call each other names.
Well, it's about. It's about communicating in a way. So insulting each other and putting each other down and threats. That's the worst. When we have couples that are in constant, like, threatening each other, threatening the relationship, it isn't ever going to get anybody closer. So what I teach in couples coaching is conflict resolution, where you really learn how to communicate from a place of, here's what's going on with me. Here's what I need that I'm not getting. You know, can you. Will you. Would you making a request, offering a solution versus fighting, where one person's trying to win, which means the other person's gonna lose. Right. So conflict in a relationship is normal. It's essential. It helps both people understand each other better. And when you're fighting, it's just because you're up against a trigger that is something from your past.
Okay. So this listener says, it's either really good or really bad.
But how do you know when it's time to bounce?
Yeah, how do you know when to bounce?
So what I'm wanting to start with is just normalizing that conflict happens. And you can either fight dirty or you can respectfully have conflict and work all the way through it. If you're in the middle of drama. Bless you. I was.
A cough. Okay.
Thanks, though.
So if you're in the middle of drama, it's never the time to leave the relationship.
So I take the bless you away. Okay. Sorry. Go ahead.
So you can see how easy it is for even a tiny thing to turn into a big thing or a big fight. And I don't want you to throw the baby out with the bathwater. And if you're in the middle of a drama where you're feeling like I'm not respected or this person doesn't care about me, if it's something that's going on in you, that you have felt before a pattern. Don't leave the relationship in the middle of the drama because you'll just end up in the same exact place with the next person. So once you've communicated, here's what I need that I'm not getting. Are you happy? I mean, that's the other piece. Like, ask your partner how they're doing. Is there something that they need that they're not getting? Talk through it so that you can figure out whether or not it's a compatibility issue or a communication issue.
So I think one of the big things that may have just gone under the radar what you just said is don't make any decision until you've made up or gotten through whatever the fight is.
Well, maybe not to the point where you've made up, but get out of drama. Get out of the mentality where something is happening to you and you're feeling inferior or really small. Wait until you've gotten to the point where you know you've communicated effectively and respectfully. Because I think even more important is find out if the issue is a communication problem or a compatibility issue. So if it's a compatibility issue, then there's two values that don't line up. You're going in two different directions, and there's no way to turn it around.
Okay.
If it's a communication issue, you just haven't helped the other person understand what's going on with you that's upsetting you and what you need.
And Rebecca is available for. For private coaching, whether it be individuals, couples, families. And there's also, if you have a business or an organization, she does talks and stuff like that as well. And it's all available online at Inspired Results. This is a really good question.com and if you'd like to have your question answered this time next week, just go to cny kiss dot com.
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