Life coach Rebeccah Silence responds to Lindsay Lohan's domestic violence incident, explaining why victims return to abuse and what bystanders should actually do. She says secrets are harmful and public exposure can create an opportunity to take action.
97. I want to five five Kiss FM. Meghan trainer. Me too. 751. It's Liz and Big Papa and it is a confession. Tuesday life coach Rebecca. Silence in studio. So rather than take a, a listener email, I want to talk about something that's, that's in the news right now. And that's something that's going on with Lindsay Lohan.
Okay?
Lindsay Lohan. She's engaged to this billionaire and over the weekend she was tweeting about how he was allegedly che her. Okay? And that's, and that's number one. And then today in, on the, in the tabloids and whatnot, there is a video of the two of them in an argument outside on their balcony. And, and I'm just, I'm quoting what she was saying in the argument. He just strangled me. He almost killed me. Everybody will know. Get out of my house. Do it. I dare you again. You're blanking crazy. You sick blank. You need help. It's my house. Get out of my house. I'm love you anymore. You can't strangle a woman constantly and beat the crap out of her and think it's okay. But then on Instagram later, there's a picture of a heart shaped cloud with the caption, unfortunately, a private matter has become more public than I can control. I would be extremely grateful if my fiance and myself could discuss our personal matters on our own. So now that I've, I've set it up, a couple things. Number one, if, unfortunately there are people listening right now where this is like, oh my God, this is like my life. Number one, if you're in it, what should you do? And number two, if you're someone who sees it from the outside, what should you do? Or should you not do anything?
Yeah, those are two really good questions. We are all allowed to be human. That's the first thing I'm going to say, which means that we are going to make choices and mistakes and have situations that we don't want to be in again. This situation is something I've been in in a different way, but the same domestic violence dynamic. And what I will say from my own experience is that it's a choice to go back for more. And adults are not able to be abused. It's our mindset. We learned it, it became normal at some point. So while we may be frustrated with the situation, unless you do some type of major personal growth work, the pattern will probably continue and it doesn't have to. So you, Lindsay Lohan, and any adult in a Similar situation to hers, do not have to go back for more ever and you can become an adult who is no longer abused by putting yourself in this situation. Now it doesn't excuse the other person's behavior, but again, this dynamic is normal for that person and both people in the situation are fighting to take power back and more than anything, wanting to be loved and have connection. A lot of people unfortunately think that love and connection is drama.
Wow.
Yeah. Drama is the opposite of love and connection. Yeah, right. When you're in drama, you're running from fear by fear and it only keeps you more disconnected. So it's not love. But in a lot of ways we learn that it is, especially in this society. So drama isn't love and these types of huge blow ups are not normal or okay and you don't have to continue. So the good news here is that I really believe that most relationships are repairable as long as both people are willing to do whatever it takes to repair it, are not abusing each other and there isn't active addiction. We don't know if substances were involved here, you know, but if all right, this time was the wake up call and both of them wanted to work it out, they probably could. But you've got to get real about what are you willing to put up with and what are you not willing to put up with. From the standpoint of, guess what, the other person doesn't actually need to change at all. But here's what I want for my life. So it's about getting really clear and real about what you want for your life and what are you willing to do about it. A lot of people are willing to say, well, this is what I want. But when it comes time to put the action behind it, they go back to their normal and their comfort zone, even if it's self destructive. So that's optional. Is the good news here, you don't have have to continue to live in a world where you're suffering and stepped on or stepping on someone else really quickly.
The reason this came to light is because someone across the street took a video of the argument, say that you witnessed something like this. What, what should you do?
Well, so.
Or is there no right answer?
So the other piece I wanted to say is that secrets are really, really toxic. Secrets are poison. So I actually think it is divine intervention that now this is on the table because they don't have to pretend, they don't have to hope that they don't get fined out and now they can take some sort of action. And do something about it.
Right?
So that's actually, I think, a gift, if we choose to see it that way. From the perspective of what do you do if you're on the outside looking it? You know, you can't save other people. They have to want their lives to be different if it's going to change. And, you know, I think if somebody is getting beat up on the street. We were at Sylvan beach this weekend on a date, and I almost thought a man was gonna hit a woman. And I had my cell phone ready to go. Like I was gonna report that if I saw it. It actually didn't happen. He got in a car and drove away. And so I was thankful for that. But, you know, if you're seeing a child that is being abused, if you're seeing another adult that is, you know, being attacked in some way, I think, of course, call the police. It's that whole what we're trying to teach the kids in school. Don't be a bystander.
Right?
But jumping in the middle of it and trying to solve it or fix it will probably just get you hurt as well. Paying attention. And if someone really, truly, genuinely is at risk, don't hesitate to call 911 or the police make that phone call. You know, if you know of someone in your family, in your inner circle, or even someone that's an acquaintance that's in a situation like this, you can let them know, hey, we have resources here in the community. The YWCA is a great resource in Utica to help anyone in a domestic violence situation. We've got in this wonderful community some resources that are available, and we can post them after this show. But just because the resources are available doesn't mean that the person in the situation is going to utilize them.
Right? Absolutely.
That's on them.
Yeah. You can't force them. All you can do is be like, here are some options. It's up to them to utilize them.
Right? And for anyone in that situation, the one thing I will say to you is that your kids are watching you and they're learning what's normal by the choices that you make. So if you go back for more, they're gonna think on some level, well, this is just what happens to us, right?
You're teaching them that that is okay.
So you have an opportunity to change your life so that you can change your kid' lives. And nobody deserves to be attacked verbally or physically, by another human being. And if you're in that situation, bottom line, you're just used to it. And you don't have to be life coach.
Rebecca. Silence on a confession Tuesday. Thank you so much. Inspired resultscoach. Com.
Free 5-Day Live Online Bootcamp for Mothers, August 24–28 4 PM EST. Replays available #shorts
