A short YouTube interview (Confession Tuesday) where host Gary and life coach Rebecca Silence discuss temper loss and emotional anger. Rebecca explains that outbursts signal underlying unmet needs or unhealed emotional wounds, recommends observing warning signs (e.g., feeling "plugged in" or charged), pausing to breathe, stepping back as an observer, and identifying the unmet need to prevent repeat breakdowns. The segment includes practical dialog examples (asking a partner "do you have an unmet need right now?") and guidance for both the person losing control and those witnessing it.
It is inspired results. Coach.com for all the details. You can also like Rebecca on Facebook and follow her on Twitter as well. This segment, I want to talk about tempers.
Okay.
I want to talk about people that. How to handle a situation where someone loses control, someone loses their temper. And unfortunately, everyone, I think, has been in a situation where, you know, they're one on one or in a group setting and someone, it's like they flip a switch. What is the best way to deal with it? And not only during the situation, but after the situation as well.
Yeah. You know, I lost my temper a little bit on Sunday. It happens to all of us.
Oh, sure.
And including me. I have to use the tools that I teach also or my life doesn't work either. So, you know, our temper and it's a message. Pay attention when you start to get riled up and just know that there are red flags that you can learn to see coming. So for me, it takes a lot to really get to that point where I've lost my temper. And now I'm really proud to say I don't lose control. But there have been times in my life where I certainly have lost control. And I'm just wanting you to get that. It doesn't ever have to get to that point. And then if you're around somebody that's lost control, don't be standing in the middle of the road hoping you don't get run over by a car. Get out of the road. Right. I mean, their emotional experience, and I hope everybody listens to this. Other people's emotional experience never has anything to do with you, ever. Even if they tell you it's you that caused this emotional outburst, it's not, I promise you. Even if they're blaming you for it, even if they're saying, if you would have done this, I wouldn't be upset or because you did this, you now look at what happened. It's never your fault, just like it's never anybody else's fault if you're losing it. It's just not. They're just showing you that there's some unhealed emotional wound in you that people can stick their finger in and poke around.
Okay.
There's just something in you that if it wasn't this person bringing it out in you, it would be somebody else or a different situation. This issue already exists. So when I have my clients coming into my office saying, oh, I think I have this handled, I. I don't want to deal with this one. I'll just say, okay, and It'll get louder and nastier so that eventually people have to deal with it even if they don't want to. Right. If you're carrying this issue around, it's going to eventually come up and out. So when other people are losing their tempers, just understand it's not you. And you can either be part of the problem or part of the solution. And I find that a lot of times what helps is just to say, you know, I love you. If you want to calm down and talk about solutions, let's do that. Let me know when you're ready. Walk away. Lead in. Possibility of separating yourself from the issue. And then another hot tip. Whether you're the one in drama or the one that is having the drama projected onto them, does that make sense? Because it's one or the other.
Right?
Just get that. We can always, I call it becoming the observer, kind of step out of the drama and just notice, all right, what am I doing right now? Just start questioning what's going on with you. Because we're either like in it or we could step out of it and then take a moment to calm down. The other piece is really pay attention to whether or not you're taking action from that place of fear or out of control behavior. If you're taking action from that place, just like the text messages we were talking about in the last segment, it doesn't go away, right? You're never going to be able to stop what just happened. There's going to be a ripple effect and it may be destructive. So just be really careful to think before you act when you're getting upset and then understand that whatever's going on with you, it's real and there's a solution and it's nobody else's fault.
So how. And obviously everybody has different triggers. Everybody has different reasons for, you know, hitting a certain, you know, whether it's a button or a switch. And all of a sudden, you know, there's anger and there, you know, who knows how far the anger goes? What is a good way to see the warning signs coming or to help negate it or to help get to the root of the problem to make sure that you don't go that way. Because a lot of times what ends up happening is, you know, if there is anger and after the calm down, it's, oh, my God, what did I do? You know, I'm so sorry, there's a big cleanup. Oh, absolutely, absolutely. And you know, there's a lot of regret because of that. So if you're the person that always has to do the cleanup. There has to be something that you can do to make sure you don't get to that spot, at least not as often, right?
Absolutely. And we're all human, so don't beat yourself up if it's happening. The way I think you can start to pay attention to the red flags is to first of all, understand that we always are having an emotion 100% of the time. And a lot of people don't get this because they're separated from what they're feeling. But if you could start. Pay attention. Start to pay attention to what it is that you're feeling. Check in with yourself. You're gonna notice real quick if you've got that energetic powerlessness going on in any way. And it'll start really quiet. But it's like if you're plugged into the wall, all charged up, don't take action. Right. Like intuition, that gut feeling, it's neutral. It doesn't have a charge. It's just knowing. Right. But when we're reacting based on that trigger, it's charged up. It's like you're plugged into the wall.
Right.
So if you have that experience, like you're being plugged into the wall, take some breaths. Take a break before you do anything. And I really encourage people to do that, to take a break. Just say, I need five minutes to think before we have this conversation. Because if you just have the conversation out of anger, then again, there's a huge cleanup there. And hopefully you're with somebody that's willing to work through it with you. And hopefully you're not attacking or verbally or physically abusive when that happens, but you can't get it back. And just know that there's never anything that is so bad that you have to lose control. Remember that you always have control. There's always something you have control over, and that is whether or not you're taking action when you're upset and then figuring out what you need to feel better about this situation. That's the other big piece. There is an unmet need every time there's a breakdown.
Sure.
And you don't have to believe me. Check it out for yourself. But breakdown is always the result of an unmet need of some kind, and nobody can meet that need for you. It's on you. It's on you to identify what you need, and it's on you to go out in the world and make it happen. So. So just be careful. Be careful to check in with your emotional self before you take action and then look for what is the need that is not being met underneath this. Every once in a while, my husband will say to me, do you have an unmet need right now? If I'm starting to get upset, I'll be like, do an unmet need right now. And I love him for it. I can't say enough about the support I receive.
He speaks. Rebecca Silence.
He does, and I'm so grateful for it. And you can learn to work with each other because different people are different, right? You know, if I say to you, do you have an unmet need right now, Gary? You'll just start laughing at me.
I'll be like, shut up. Rebecca Silence.
Probably not going to work with Gary.
Listen.
But it works with me, with my husband. So just get that. You can learn to work with each other and break down to figure out what you need as well. So it's not about avoiding the breakdown. It's about figuring out where it's coming from.
Right?
Because if you don't, it'll keep happening.
Local life coach Rebecca Silence Inspired results coach dot com.
