CONFESSION TUESDAY 7-8-14 "ABOUSE OF POWER PREDATOR"

All right, this is a situation that. This hasn't been emailed. This is. And this is gonna be kind of awkward, me saying it because I'm going to kind of edit on the fly.

Okay.

Okay. Female friend who is single, found herself in a situation with a married individual where there were. He was in charge of a project, and the. It was a project that they. She wanted to work on, and he tried and she said no. And she is obviously upset because of, you know, the way it went down and how it felt like an abuse of power because this person was in charge of the project or whatever.

So she did not reciprocate?

No, she did not reciprocate. She, you know, you know, got out as. As quickly as possible. And, you know, obviously it's, you know, I don't know the particulars of it, and that's not my story to tell. But at the same time, if you go into a situation and then it turns into something else and you have to, you know, put your guard up and bounce, it absolutely can be unnerving for someone who goes into something. And I apologize, it's very. It's very vague. But for. Unfortunately, this is something that happens on the regular. What's a good way to kind of start to cope with that? Because it seems like, okay, well, what do I. Like the first. The first thing that, you know, when she came to me, it was almost like. It was almost like, I want revenge. How could someone do this to me? And I'm not the only one that the, you know, this guy has done it to and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What's a good way to. And obviously, I don't think revenge, quote, unquote, is the. Is the. Is the route, but at the same time having to deal with the situation, obviously it has to be dealt with.

Yeah. So let me say it back to you just to make sure I got it all.

Okay?

So professional situation. Woman is now working on a project with someone who's married, who made a move she did not want to reciprocate. Didn't.

Right.

And now it's just an awkward situation. She's feeling like, how did this happen now What? Right, right, I got it.

Okay.

So, you know, you're absolutely right that this happens on the regular and especially in a professional situation. This is really delicate. Now, the first thing I want to say is, of course, this is not her fault. Right. I think that's the first thing that can happen is this idea like, how did I cause this? You didn't. However, there is probably A reason why it's happening to you. Anything that's happening that can catches us off guard, that is maybe happening out of the blue, so to speak. I want you to consider that there's a reason why it's happening. I know this is cliche. You know, there's a reason for everything. But I'm just wanting you to consider that this is an opportunity for you to really look at. Okay? Where do I use my voice? Where do I not? Where do I stand up for myself? Where do I not? Where do I make things right? Where do I not? This is an opportunity for you to sit a very strong, empowered version of yourself if you choose to take that on.

To. To go into that after talking to the person, apparently he has pulled the move on other females before.

Any predator.

And, and, and has.

Yeah, yeah. So any predator. You are not the first and you will not be the last. And it's not you. This is what they do out there in the world. Okay? Okay. So everyone needs to hear that anytime someone is perpetrating or a predator, it's not the person who caused it. This person does it whenever they can with whoever they can. So it's just a matter of is he gonna be able to get away with it with you or not? And it's not your job to put this guy in his place, to punish him, to be his karma. But what if it is an opportunity for you to actually make sure you. You're standing up for yourself and see, when I'm talking about standing up for ourselves. I teach this in schools. I'll be at Proctor in a couple of weeks. There's a way to stand up for yourself that is not disrespecting other people. You can respect yourself and respect others even when they've disrespected you. You can respect yourself and others even when you've been disrespected. Now, this is not easy. And I think the go to is either to put your head under the pillows or to try to get revenge. But see, either way, the situation doesn't get resolved and your power goes to the predator. So, you know, I would be encouraging you to absolutely use your voice. Don't be afraid to go to the higher ups and let them know what happened. Don't be afraid to ask for support. This isn't something you have to handle on your own, and it's not something that you have to ignore or pretend didn't happen. I would be utilizing the company's resources, the company's policies saying this happened. And I Want to make sure it doesn't happen again. And with this person, you know, you can decide whether or not you want to speak to him directly or not. But I would encourage you, like the bonus homework, is to say to him, I don't appreciate this. Please don't let it happen again. Let's start fresh. If you can stay empowered and if you can be someone who can't be pushed around, you won't get pushed around. And people test the waters. Are you someone I can get away with this with or aren't you? Be the one who treats people the way you want to be treated and train people as to what they can get away with and what they can't with you.

You said the word predator earlier. What if they want to protect women or, you know, prey, quote, unquote, that may not be as strong from. From that particular predator. I'm just. I'm throwing it out there because that's a line. That's a line of thinking from that situation.

All you can do is lead by example. That's all you can do.

Okay.

You know, I had an experience six, seven years ago where I was assaulted at a hotel by the manager. I didn't even know this person broke into the room I was in in the middle of the night, and I ended up pressing charges. I ended up being a voice, and this person ended up getting dealt with legally. Now, it wasn't my job to put him away, but I knew if I didn't do something, it would keep going. And all I can do is make sure that in five years, in 10 years, I can live with the choices I made if I didn't speak up and I didn't want to. I had a three year old at home. This was scary for me. But then at the same time, I don't think I would have been able to live with myself if I didn't pursue having a voice and making sure.

Because if it happened to you, how many did it happen beforehand and how many would it have happened after?

Right? And, you know, here's the thing. You can't save anybody who doesn't want to be saved. It's about put that oxygen mask on you first. Other women, they're gonna have an opportunity to stand up for themselves or not just like you. And I think that can be a distraction, focusing on, oh, these women who it's happened to. Let me save them. I'm saying that's not your job. Your job is to lead by example in a way you can be proud of and know, you know, Your kids are following you. You are an example for the women that are closest to you.

Well, here's. And to cut you off. And I know, I know this story. You've. You've shared it with me. You handled your business and because of your strength, a lot of other women from that it's happened to came forward and. And ended up pressing charges against the same person. And you didn't go seeking them out. They drew streng your individual strength. I want to make sure I make that point because that's very, very, you know, that's crucial to this.

Yeah, no, and you're absolutely right. You know, sometimes it just takes one person being brave enough to speak up and then others will follow. And you know, I don't take credit for anyone else coming out, but I can be proud of myself that at least I know I stood up. And you can do that too. You can absolutely use your voice. But again, it doesn't have to be in that. I want revenge. Let me crucify you energy. Because that just gives more power to the situation in a very negative way. It's about I'm gonna do what's right. It's about taking right action. And if you're not feeling strong enough, brave enough to speak up on your own, get support. Find a therapist, find a coach. Just make sure you're talking about it with someone. Otherwise you can guarantee this pattern will continue. And unfortunately, like for me, I had had plenty of warning signs prior to this incident that I'm sharing today. I didn't listen. It got louder. It got louder until it was so loud I couldn't ignore it. And I promise you lessons repeat until you get the lesson. You are not the cause of the situation. It is not your fault. And yet you have an opportunity to potentially break a pattern and and learn to stand up for yourself in a way that's respecting you and the world and being an example of possibility.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com if you have a story, if you have a situation, go to cnykiss.com Tell us your story confidentially and let her handle it on the air next Tuesday. All right. CNY kiss.com and of course, businesses, individuals, couples, families, groups. Inspired results coach.com Great job.

Thanks everyone. Have a great week.

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