A listener asks if she should date someone she sees in her therapist's waiting room. Rebeccah Silence says being in therapy doesn't make someone a mess, then walks through the decision: make a pros/cons list, talk to him directly, check with your therapist if needed, and ask yourself what you'd regret in five years.
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Yes.
Okay, here we go. Dear Rebecca, I've been going to a psychologist for about two years and I always see the same cute guy in the waiting room. We talk whenever we cross paths. And the other day we finally decided to meet for drinks. Everything went really well and there's a lot of chemistry. It's obviously we're both interested in being more than friends, but would it be weird to date a guy who's seeing the same therapist? I'm not worried about my psychologist telling him anything about me or vice versa. They're a professional. I'm just wondering if I should go out with a guy who has so many issues he has to see a therapist.
This is great email.
I know therapy is pretty common thing these days. Am I being a hypocrite? Is hitting it off with someone good enough reason to switch?
This is great. Thank you for your email. And you know, here's the thing. Everyone has issues. I don't care if they are open about it or if they try to pretend with their game face like everything is perfect. We all have issues. And I think that in many forms of therapy, the goal is to be proactive. Right? There are some forms of therapy where people can kind of stay stuck in a rut. You have someone who's been in therapy for 10 years, 12 years, you know, there. There might be a place where they're stuck and that's okay, too. But just know that because someone's in therapy, it doesn't mean that they're a hot mess who is never going to be able to overcome whatever their issues are. I think that especially in my work, people are coming to coaching because they want more and they're not sure how to achieve it.
Right?
Doesn't mean they're a mess at all. It means they know they want more and they know they want rocket fuel to propel their lives forward.
So you listen to you with rocket fuel.
Well, that's what it is though, right? I mean, all the work I've done the seminar work, the coaching. I use it as rocket fuel to propel my life forward. You know, I'm about to have another baby. This baby's life is gonna be much.
Different than when your husband had the rocket fuel.
He did, but, you know, got a boy when I had Madison. First of all, I have to get all these baby books again because the last time I was pregnant was 10 years ago. This is a long time ago. But I was 23 when I had Madison. I hadn't done any work. So, you know, and I'm sure with this baby, I'll still make mistakes and there will be roadblocks, but with this baby, it can be a lot different because I've done a lot of work. What I'm saying is that just because you're both in therapy doesn't mean you're a couple of hot messes that aren't going to be able to do anything except be in drama. And you have an opportunity, especially if you have a mutual therapist. I would be talking to the therapist and saying, all right, so what are you seeing here? And then always any type of decision, whether it's a new relationship, whether it's a new job, whether it's having a baby. I encourage you to make a list of the pros and the cons. I encourage you to make a list of all of the benefits and all of the obstacles and see what you see. And then be willing to trust your intuition. Be willing to trust your intuition, be willing to go for it. You and I were just talking off the air about why not go for it sometimes? Why not break your patterns, why not try something new? Otherwise it's just Groundhog Day all the time.
Absolutely. So for. For this person, you know, for this girl who, you know is in this situation, you know, in the email it says that she's been going to the same psychologist for two years, but, you know, contemplating switching teams because of this possibility of a relationship. Like, what is. You know, what's. Like what's good homework for her? Other. Other than a list. Like what's.
Yeah, yeah.
Is it follow your gut.
Well, I'm saying there's a couple of pieces, right? Number one, just get real on paper. And then number two, know that your intuition always knows best. And here's the difference between a fear based voice in your head and your intuition, which is that voice that knows that wisest part of you, right? Your intuition has no charge. It's not positive or negative. It's neutral. So your intuition isn't going to try to force you in one direction or another. It's just this knowingness. And I would say you probably don't have to get a different psychologist just because you're both seeing the same person. That doesn't have to be a conflict of interest. I think you can be careful about whether or not you want to see that person as a couple. But your team is your team and everybody needs a support system. And just because see this might be a pattern that has gotten you in trouble before in relationships or for anybody. If you're making big decisions like now I'm going to change a job because of relationship or now I'm going to change my therapist because of relationship, that is not necessarily a good start to a solid foundation in your new relationship. What if you don't have to change all of your life just because of a new relationship? You can keep this therapist. And so what I would suggest is good homework for you is be really careful about what you're wanting as you're going into this relationship and what changes you think you need to make because of it. Just because you're starting a new relationship, you don't have to throw out the baby with the bathwater. Big changes in your life don't have to take place. And just be willing as you're going into the relationship to be honest about your concerns up front. See if this person is willing to talk through them with you. See if you're on the same page. Sounds like you're like minded in a lot of ways, which is a great start. But you don't have to go from 0 to 60 right away. Be willing to take baby steps, be willing to have open communication and be willing to listen to your intuition.
Sounds like you want to go for it. Yeah, go for it. Keep going as you're going and if the psychologist thing makes it uncomfortable later on and then make a change. But right now.
And you're never stuck. Every relationship has a beginning, a middle and an end. You don't have to be in a relationship for a long period of time. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
If he gets stuck, call aaa.
And here's another good go to. I use as a tool just to check in with myself. Alright, in five years, what am I gonna wish I did? Just think about that. Are you gonna regret not going for it? Are you gonna regret going for it? You're the only one that knows that.
Are you gonna regret not telling your story@cnykiss.com and having Rebecca silence help you on a confession Tuesday. Cnykiss. Com. Rebecca Silence inspired resultscoach. Com. More to confession Tuesday coming up next on Kiss fm.
