Confession Tuesday 8/11/15 DIVORCE TIPS

It is a Confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. Once again, inspired results. Coach.com is your website for details on private coaching and also corporate events and corporate trainings and whatnot. And what we do here is we take your emails, we take your suggestions, what's going on in your world and we handle them here on the air confidentially. And it's so funny because people sometimes are scared to put out there what's going on in their world because they're afraid they're going to get, the story will get recognized. But the fact is there's so many people with that similar story and people don't really realize that.

And your bravery of putting it out there is gonna impact more lives than you can even comprehend because there are no new problems. We all have the same stuff that we deal with, just not all at the same time. So when you're courageous enough to put this out there, you're really making a huge difference for people. So do it for others. Even if you won't do it for yourself, do it. Do it for. Email us your issue.

That's right. You can go to cnykiss.com on the left hand side. The Confession Tuesday banner is right there. Click on it. You can submit your story confidentially and you are good to go. Let's talk divorce.

Okay.

Okay, let's talk divorce. Let's talk divorce. And one. Yeah, me, me too. I got my first one out of the way early.

Yeah, me too.

And it was funny because I was, I was talking yesterday and I was actually talking, you know, my ex wife and the fact that, you know, over the years our, you know, relationship, our working relationship has gotten better. She's remarried now, she's extremely happy and you know, they're great with the boys and the whole thing, but it was one of those, you know, we got through it and then, you know, there are times that it sucks. I mean even a good divorce is a bad, isn't necessarily going to go quote, unquote well. And I consider myself having a good divorce.

Yeah, it's an emotional experience.

It really and truly is. And when the emotion, emotions are high, it's really hard to get things done and you know, not have it affect kids and whatnot. So I guess what I'm asking is maybe there's some good things as far as, okay, you're in the middle of a divorce, things are going on. How do you help, you know, be constructive and try to try to keep emotions out of it. Try to make the logical decisions rather than, you know, hurtful decisions and trying to not affect if there's kids involved because that's, you know, that's a thing that happens a lot too is a lot of times kids are, get caught in the middle. And if anything, at least from my point of view, you want to protect the kids and try to keep life as, you know, as normal and stress free for them as possible, I guess.

Right. In a very difficult time. And let's start with that with the kids. Because what I think a lot of people don't understand is the divorce process starts so much sooner for the adults that are actually getting the divorce. Once you've told your kids, it starts, starts for them. But the adult has had a lot of time to think about it already.

Well, you know, I've never thought of that angle. You're absolutely right. Say that again. Say that again.

The adults that are actually getting divorced, the parents have had a lot more time to think about this. And once the kids find out, that is the beginning of their grieving process. So divorce is an emotional experience. You're saying, let's take the emotions out. I don't know how to do that. I actually want people to feel their emotions. But what I like about what you were saying is you don't want to make decisions based on, on your emotions. You don't want to make decisions that are going to be permanent based on just this little flare up of jealousy or anger or sadness. And with your kids, they're also impacted by what's going on and they're not starting the process of grief until they find out. And a lot of times couples are taking years to make this decision or even months. And so just remember that, that your kids are not on the same timeline that you are. They're starting this process a lot later. So be gentle with them.

Okay.

And they're responding to you. So if you're, this is the most horrible thing in the world that's ever happened to us. They're going to think this is the most horrible thing in the world that's ever happened to us. It's not a bad thing. People are so afraid of divorce. People are so afraid of it. And it doesn't have to be the end of the world if you know that the relationship you're in is complete and that you'd both be happier moving on. Awesome. Move on. I think another thing that we do that makes divorce so much harder is just making it this horror thing and doesn't have to be the other thing. I want to make sure I point out is that divorce is not just a breakup. Right. People can be divorced with a piece of paper, and then they're still not in a new relationship for 12 years or 15 years. They're not actually divorced. Divorce is physical, it's emotional, it's financial, and it's spiritual. It's all of these things. It's physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial. Because all of these areas are impacted by the divorce. And if you haven't fully divorced yourself financially or emotionally or spiritually or physically, you're still connected to the other person, even if there's a piece of paper. And so that's something that I think is really important. I get this a lot in my office where people. They're divorced, but they're not divorced. They're not over it yet. And so what I want is for people to have a clean break where they can celebrate the relationship and move forward and have a new relationship.

So if there is a, you know, you're talking about the four facets, and you said you need to have, you know, you need to have separation on all four. If you don't have separation on one of the four, what's a good way to kind of spur that on? Or does that have to be mutual or, you know.

Yeah, that's a great question. I actually think it's not a mutual thing. I think it's individual because I could be connected to you still, and you could be clear and clean and fine and moving on with your life. Right. So divorce is different for everyone. I do think it's more individual. And I definitely. If you feel. Feel like you're still a little bit stuck or still a little bit connected to the other person or there's some unfinished business there, I highly recommend hiring a coach or a therapist, finding a support group and working through those emotions, because if you don't, it's gonna bleed out into any future possibilities of a relationship and impact that you're gonna be taking your baggage with you.

Yeah, you're gonna shoot yourself in the foot and not give the next person a fair shot.

But don't be afraid. I think the criteria for those who are wondering, like, should I get divorced or should I not get divorced? When you feel complete, when you just feel this, like, almost sense of inner peace and you know this is the right thing to do, that's when it's time to go. That what you were talking about earlier, making decisions emotionally, it can be very destructive, and there are ripple effects. So what I'm encouraging people to do is listen. Listen to your Emotion, pay attention to it, but then think about your long term goals and make decisions from that place. Does this support my long term goals or does it take me farther from it? And emotions are high in a divorce. It just happens that this is not anything anybody planned for. They wouldn't have planned on a divorce and they got married. And there's a lot you can do to save your relationship. You know, I have couples in my office every single week and their relationship doesn't have to be crumbling for them to come and see me. But it absolutely is possible to create a foundation and to make sure you save that relationship or you find out, you know what, we've outgrown each other. This is what it is and it's time to move on. But we don't have to be at the end of the world.

But you both have to be on the same page to save it.

You definitely both have to be on the same page to save it. Both people have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. And sometimes one person isn't. And if that's the case, then next. So those are really the two criteria. If one person is not willing to work with you, let them go. And if you know you've done everything you can and you have that sense of this is just complete, we're done, then, okay, move on. Move on with your life. But know that it's bigger than just a piece of paper. There's physical intimacy that you're going to need to divorce. Financial issues are going to have to have a divorce too. Physical and spiritual.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com is the website if you have questions. If you want your situation handled anonymously here on the air next week, go to cnykiss. Great stuff as always.

Yeah. And remember, the kids are following you. So how you handle yourself during the divorce is going to lead your children and how they should handle it. And just remember that their divorce process started way later than yours. So be gentle with them.

It's confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com gonna break. Come back Big pop and banna on Kiss fm.