Confession Tuesday 8 20 13 Online Dating

It is a confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.

Good morning.

All right, so here's how we roll on a confession Tuesday. You email us and we, we pretty much what happens is I throw it out to the life coach, which is different from therapy. Life coach helps you get out of your own way and get the results that you want and deserve. And we do it confidentially. We do it for free. And we do it right here on the radio.

We do. And coaching is different from therapy because what we're doing is we're focusing on what you want instead of the problems and what's not working. So it's very different. I work with individuals, couples, families. I do a lot of corporate training and it's a different way to look at your life. It's so much easier to do drama and to focus on what's wrong. It takes a lot more courage and strength to focus on. So what am I doing that's keeping me where I don't want to be? We address that. We get you closer to your goals.

All right, so the email address is big papa@cny kiss.com b I g p o p p a@cny kiss.com and of course, Rebecca's website is inspired results coach.com you can find follow that on Facebook and on Twitter as well. I got an email. I have to paraphrase because there's lots of specifics. So I want to make sure that I don't get too specific. Kind of a deal. I girl does online dating. Having bad experience after bad experience after bad experience meets a guy. They click. She asks if he has a Facebook. He says no. They decide that they want to meet face to face. She decides to Google the guy before they meet face to face. Up pops the fact that he has a Facebook page. She clicks on it. He's married.

Uh huh.

And pretending that he's not, she confronts him. He vanishes. Okay, so I guess it's coming from the girl. What would be the best. Whether or not how to handle that situation is one thing, but what are good ways to kind of maybe handle online dating? Yeah, because that's, I mean, that's something that a lot of people are doing and maybe not necessarily like on the, the cupid match, you know, eharmy kind of thing, but a lot of people are using Facebook to, you know, to date as well. So maybe that's a, maybe that's an angle we can take as well.

Yeah, there's lots of layers here. So all of you out there listening I think it's important to acknowledge that dating in and of itself is not easy.

Oh, no.

Whether it's online, whether it's you met a boy at a bar, whether it's you met a woman at the PTA meeting. Right. We're meeting people that we don't know. Sometimes people who know each other hook up. But a lot of times we start a new relationship with somebody, we don't know their history. Right. So what I want to start off by talking about is trust. And the only person I want you to trust is you. Right. So for all the women out there, come to Radiance, because that's what it's about, is learning how to trust yourself. And it doesn't mean you that I don't, you know, have a lot of evidence that this person does what they say they're going to do. Like for, for you. And I, for example, I trust Gary, but I trust myself to be able to handle any situation first.

Right.

Right. I have a lot of evidence that Gary comes through for me. And so I know that is the pattern. But I'm also not living in Lala Fairy Tale Ville where I think that people are always going to do what I want them to do.

Is it better when I look up Fairy Tale Ville and Google Maps just. Just to see where. Just to see where that is.

But see how many of us, when we're dating, we're in Lala Fairy Tale Vil and we want what we want and we don't care if it's you. I just have this picture of what.

I think is supposed to be insert member of opposite sex here.

Exactly. And then it doesn't do that person any justice at all. It doesn't respect you or them. So whether you're online dating or dating, number one, figure out how to trust yourself. This is not easy, but understand that you've survived every situation you've ever been in. You've survived every heartbreak, every breakup that you've ever gone through, believe it or not. So ask yourself the question, could you do it again? Probably. And here's my hot tip. It doesn't get worse than the last breakup. So many times people are coming into my office, people are coming to my seminars, and they think, I can't handle another heartbreak. Well, I wish I could tell you that life was going to be sunshine and rainbows and that you weren't going to ever have a heartbreak, but you will. It's just about learning how to live your life full throttle in between the heartbreaks.

Right?

Because you will have more heartbreaks. And I truly believe this, that emotions only go to 10. On a scale of one to 10, you've all survived a 10. Right. And it doesn't have to be a romantic breakup. This could even apply to your career. Or it could apply to losing your home. Right. Get another house. Go after another job. You've survived the heartbreak before. So number one is trust yourself. Number two, get that it doesn't get worse than what you've already survived. So you might as well have a little fun in between the heartbreaks.

Sure.

And see what it's like to get out of fear and into relationships. And relationships are hard because they throw back at you the parts of yourself you haven't dealt with yet. So this person who attracted somebody who's married and not telling the truth, I just want you to consider the possibility that we attract who we are. We attract who we are, not what we want. So if I'm attracting somebody who's lying to me, I might want to look at where am I in a lie. I might want to look at where have I been lying to myself and. Or other people. It's so easy to persecute the crap out of somebody else. Like, oh, my God, how could you be doing this? My first husband. It would be so easy. I could write a phone book about all the ways he wronged me, all the things that he did that he deserved for me to divorce them. But the truth is, I was 50% of that relationship, and I could see myself in him in a lot of ways. I was in la la ferrytail ville. I wasn't telling the truth all the time to him.

So apparently la la veritale ville is near Vegas. Is that what you're saying?

This is pre ve, man. I got a history. My life is not been perfect relationship after perfect relationship, I promise. But what I've learned is to be honest with myself and to trust myself so that no matter what happens in my relationships, I can stay solid.

Okay, so if. If that's the case, if that's. If that's step one.

Yeah.

Someone who may be scared, someone who may be unsure, what's a good way to kind of start that process? Because a lot of people don't know how to. How to do that.

Right? So, number one, come to the table knowing what you want, please. Instead of coming to the table hoping that you're the right fit for this person, come to the table knowing what you want. Because what I see over and over is people wanting to be good enough for somebody else. I'LL get that. It just reinforces these weird beliefs that you're not good enough and that you might be unlovable. What a bunch of crap.

Come to the table, knowing that's toxic for any relationship.

Absolutely. And then you got your kids watching you, trying to be good enough for somebody else. This is not going to lead to fulfillment or happiness in any way, shape or form. And those are the relationships. You and I have talked about this countless times, but those are the relationships that blow up. Because I come to the table and I'm being someone I'm not for you. Eventually, I'm going to become myself. And then it's like culture shock for the other person because, wait a minute, weren't you like this? And I used to be guilty of this all the time. I'd start my relationships being this sweet thing who wanted to make you happy, and then all of a sudden, I actually have a brain and I have goals and I do things. And the person wanted a damsel in distress who was sweet and quiet. Yeah, I know that's the opposite of me. It just is. So I'm suggesting be real, straight out the gate, because you're gonna get found out eventually.

Oh, absolutely.

On both sides. This goes for the guy who had this bogus online profile. I mean, at least own it. I'm cheating on my wife. I'm bored. I want to date somebody. Because guess what? There's somebody else who probably is in the same boat. And it isn't good or bad or right or wrong. I'm not condoning affairs. Don't hear me say that. But I am condoning being real, being honest. Because in my experience, you are going to get found out eventually.

Yep.

And it's going to bite you. It just will. So now I want to address real quick, if someone isn't a good match for you, this is a good thing. I hear all the time that people are devastated. I thought this was the one. Oh, my God. It's over and again, I've done that.

I'll never find another one, or I'm.

Not gonna put myself out there because I don't want to get hurt again, you know, And. And this is serious. These emotions are real. Heartbreak isn't pleasant, but it does make you stronger. And it does, once you find a great relationship, give you a lot of appreciation for the solid relationship. So what I'm saying is, why would you ever settle for less than what you actually know you're worth or what you want? Why would you ever settle? And people do this. We settle because we think, oh, I just need the relationship. Oh, I just need to get married. And then my life's gonna be great.

Oh, they'll change.

Oh, my God.

I could change them.

Try getting married. And it's a whole nother Oprah. I mean, all of your stuff is gonna hit the fan. All of it. So it's okay if a relationship you know is not going to work if your intuition is telling you, oh, this isn't the best match for me. Oh, I used to lie in my relationships. Now I attracted somebody who's lying. Awesome. I know that. I'm over that one. That pattern is closed, chapter finished. It's okay if it's not the right match. If you're running away scared, don't do that. Right. Go for the relationship.

I've never done that.

I know. I'm not talking about you.

What? Don't look at me like that.

I'm not. But seriously, if you're running away scared, you had more to learn and you're cheating yourself because you'll just get the lesson again. But if you have done all you can do and you feel clear and calm and you know, this just isn't a good fit, why be home crying all weekend, heartbroken, when this just means now there's room for somebody else to come through the door.

Local life coach Rebecca Silence. Confession Tuesday inspired results. Coach.com big announcement. You may have already found out if you're our friends on Facebook, you may have found out last night. But a major announcement coming up next. Confession Tuesday. Email big papacynykiss.com.