A recorded coaching segment (Confession Tuesday) in which a listener asks about feeling threatened by a female partner's interactions with an attractive male on Facebook (likes/comments, winky faces). Life coach Rebeccah Silence advises against jealousy, emphasizes confidence and self-worth, suggests addressing underlying disconnection, creating shared social-media boundaries if needed, and reconnecting emotionally rather than policing the partner. Contact info and coaching services are promoted.
Confession Tuesday inspired results coach.com and how we roll on a Confession Tuesday is as such, you go to cnykiss.com and there is a backlog of all kinds of past segments with Rebecca helping you get out of your own way to get the result you want out of whatever the situation is. And you could submit your story, your question, whatever it is you'd like Rebecca to talk about. And she'll handle it here on the air for for free. And of course, if you want individual coaching, family coaching, coaching for the couples or the chillins, or seriously, no matter what it is, Rebecca can help with that. Again, inspired results coach.com you ready for this week's question?
Yes, I am. What do we have?
All right. Dear Rebecca, every time my girlfriend or I post a picture on Facebook, some hot male friend of hers likes and comments on it. I did a little Facebook stalking and saw that he's a straight male model. Not only that, my girlfriend has liked every one of his recent sexy pictures. It's starting to stress me out. We'll post a picture of us somewhere and he'll always comment with stuff like I wasn't invited. And then he adds the ever obnoxious winky face. My girlfriend said he's just a friend she hasn't seen in years, but I'm not so sure. I feel like they may have hooked up and now every time I see his stupid comments, my mind goes there. Should I worry about some hot guy posting on my girlfriend's Facebook or am I overreacting? Should I ask her to unfriend him? Or is that crazy talk?
Thank you so much for this email. I do quite a bit of couples and relationship coaching and one of the things that I really encourage couples to do is become such a tight team that nothing can tear them apart. Now, that requires both people being willing to do what it takes to become that tight team. But what I would say to this listener, first of all just is, you know, would you rather you have someone you're dating that just isn't attractive, that nobody pays attention to? Yo. Because that's the other option, right? So the good news is that, you know, attractive people have attractive people look at them. And what if you be became somebody who, instead of being threatened by that, took it as a compliment to you? Because at the end of the day, who is your girlfriend coming home to, right? So what if it's actually a compliment instead of a threat? And then if you have insecurities in you, if you're threatened by other people, especially on social Media. I mean, you know, people are way more ballsy on social media than they are in real life.
No, I don't think so.
Obviously what I'm saying isn't rocket science, but I mean, are you really gonna take a couple of likes and winky faces on Facebook as a threat or are you gonna be somebody who's like, yeah, you wish, she's with me. I want you to shift your perspective so that you're in your power. And not to mention jealousy is really unattractive. So if you want to start pushing your girlfriend away and annoying the crap out of her and being exhausting, continue down the jealous, insecure road.
Who's that? Who's that? Why are they. Why are they putting a winky face on your picture?
What I don't want is to create a self fulfilling prophecy here. Now, the other thing I'm gonna say is that there may be a reason beyond just insecurity and jealousy in you that you need to work on at play here. You could very well be feeling disconnected from your girlfriend, and that might be real. And so, you know what I also encourage couples to do is get to the root of the real issue. Forget about the surface issues. If all we're doing is dealing with symptoms of the problem like Facebook and linky faces, then the actual root doesn't get handled like, I miss you and I'm feeling disconnected. So what we want to encourage you to do is get choking out a winky face. Well, I'm just trying to say it isn't about the winky face, right? It's about something else. So become somebody who can't be threatened and who isn't obnoxiously insecure and then acknowledge the fact that you're feeling disconnected. And if you're feeling disconnected, I'm gonna encourage you to get responsible for wowing your girlfriend again. Make it attractive for her to want to continue to be with you. And understand that if you're doing life together, there are going to be times where you're disconnected. And it's important to bring that back in. And there's going to be times where other people look at your partner and there's going to be times where you look at somebody else's partner. And when that wandering eye is occurring, instead of making yourself a bad person or getting really jealous, bring it back to connecting with your partner again. You know, and it's so rare, unfortunately, I think, for couples to do that deep emotional work together to make sure they're on the same page and that things are going Long term, the way they want it to work for everybody. So you don't want just one person in charge calling the shots because then the other one will get resentful.
Right?
You want both of you together designing the life you want. So maybe there needs to be some kind of social media etiquette, some ground rules, but I bet this isn't the real issue at all. So get out of, you know, feeling sorry for yourself or feeling threatened and emotionally vomiting your insecurities all over your girlfriend. And become somebody that your girlfriend respects and wants to stay with and create some ground rules.
Because as long as you continue to be you and do what you know and do what you do and, you know, treat her the way you've been treated, you know, there's a reason why you guys are together. If you all of a sudden pull a 180 because so much, go back.
To who she wanted in the first place.
Exactly, exactly.
That's the real you. And then don't be afraid to address where there may be some problems that if you avoid them, will only get louder. So my thought is this is just bringing up a bigger issue that already exists. So don't be afraid to handle it. And then finally, you know, I don't want people in relationship chasing their partners and being afraid of losing their partners. Now, this sounds maybe even absurd or just super easy for me to say, but I want you to really pay attention to what I'm saying. If you're chasing after your partner, then you're not owning that you are worth having really high standards and you're worth having somebody show up for you. And, you know, if you're constantly afraid that you're not good enough for your other partner, again, that's really unattractive. You are good enough. You deserve everything you want and more. And I don't want you to be afraid of that. You know, I think so. I'm just gonna share a quick story about my 11 year old. The first week of school, she comes home and she's like, you know what, mom? I told my best friend exactly what I want in a relationship. And guess what? He's in my homeroom. And she wasn't afraid of it. And she wasn't worried about whether or not she was gonna be good enough for this kid. And I want us all to be that confident in ourselves.
Bottom line, confidence is sex, right?
And then if the person doesn't want you in your confidence, it doesn't mean something's wrong with you. It means they're just not ready or good enough for you. So don't think about whether or not you're good enough for them. Think about, are they good enough for you? Are they willing to do what it takes to stick around with you and grow a life together with you?
Life coach Rebecca silence. Inspired results, coach.com if you would like her input on whatever's going on in your world, just go to cnykiss.com and of course, if you would like some independent coaching with Rebecca, whether it be for you, your family, couples, professional, whatever it is. Inspired results, coach.com winky face can eat his heart out. That's right. That's right. You can winky face all you want. She's coming home to me.
