Confession Tuesday 9-16-14 AFFECTION ONLY WHEN DRUNK

It is a confession. Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.

Good morning.

So we are coming into the fall time, and I don't know, it's. Is it me or do people's attitudes and demeanors change with the seasons? It seems. It seems that way.

Well, there is a legitimate issue called seasonal depression that can take place. And for me, I like the seasons to represent opportunities for growth. The fall, we can let things go. It's a time where I can have a new goal for myself. I can take on, like, Mark and I, we're taking on partner yoga and dance classes right now.

How's that going?

It's actually a blast.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's interesting to just throw something new in to the mix, connect in a different way, you know? So I think when seasons change, it's a time to do something different.

And I'm not poking fun. I just need to ask, is he wearing yoga pants?

He's not.

No.

Okay.

Mark. Darn. I've never seen him wear yoga pants. That's.

I'm.

Are you wearing the yoga pants?

I am absolutely wearing the pregnant yoga pants.

Nice.

Yeah, they have them.

I was unaware.

Yeah.

With a little. With a little baby bump belly. That's what's up. Very cool. Very cool.

Are they comfy?

Yeah, they're great.

Hello, yoga pants.

Yeah, yoga pants are awesome.

But all maternity clothes. It kind of feels like yoga pants.

Yeah, true.

You know, it's all comfortable.

I know when I was. When I was pregnant for Nevaeh and I had to wear the jeans with the elastic in the front, those were the most uncomfortable things to me. Only because, like, literally my problem when I was pregnant is my belly constant. Only itched. I had to let it breathe. I would be, like, walking in the grocery store and my belly would be hanging out. I didn't really care. My mom's like, would you put that thing away? No itches.

Now, you see? What if guys did that?

Well, whatever.

What if guys did that is.

We'll just let it hang out.

Oh, boy. All right, so here's how it works. Here's how it works. Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com. rebecca will come to your workplace. She'll come to your organization. She'll come to your school and do a talk, and it really doesn't matter what you would like her to do a presentation on, whether it be drama in the workplace, communication. I mean, there's a whole bunch.

Yeah, I have five that. Five trainings that are pretty standard that I've seen create Great results. In organizations, we have communication training, we have conflict resolution training. We have one called Writing the Next chapter where you actually create a vision plan for the organization. I have also an empowered leadership training. I will be doing that next week at Lutheran Care for the full day. And then finally I do a training on the difference between sales versus enrollment, like how to grow a company, making it attractive. And then, yeah, if there's another specific issue that you've got, let me know and we can create something specifically to.

Meet your company's needs and the way it works here on the Confession Tuesday, you go to cnykiss.com, you tell us your story and we'll handle it here on the air confidentially. You ready?

I am.

Alright, here we go. Dear Rebecca, I'm dating a guy who's pretty reserved about showing affection. Maybe a hug or something, but not a back rub. And he's definitely not into any kind of pda. That is until he's had a few drinks. Once the drinks have taken the edge off, he'll hold my hand in public, kiss me, and act really affectionate. But it's only when he's been drinking. Is he just shy because we just started seeing each other, or do some guys always need a little liquid encouragement to show affection? And should I tell him it bothers me?

Yeah. This is a great email. So we all have a love language. Everyone has a love language.

Love language, huh?

There's a guy named Gary Chapman that wrote a book called the Five Love Languages.

You freaked me out for a hot second because I thought you were gonna start talking about me. And I was like, what are you doing here? What's going on?

No, I know.

I saw the same thing I was.

Gonna say, no reason to be paranoid.

Okay?

This is this gentleman, his name is Gary Chapman. The Five Love Languages. This is a great book and I would encourage you, listener to, and you can even Google for free the love languages quiz to find out what your love language is and what your boyfriend's love language is. Now, my hunch would be that he might, when he's sober, not be authentic about what his actual love language is. Okay, so what I mean by that is we're kind of trained in our family systems about what's acceptable and what's not. In some family systems, physical affection is not acceptable. It's something that is just not done. Now, a child who craves physical affection and doesn't receive it at home is gonna learn that this just isn't something that is okay, even as an adult. So you may not know for sure what his love language is yet, because he might not know for sure yet what his love language is. I don't think that men need liquid courage to show affection. I wouldn't make that blanket decision based on this. But what I know is sometimes when there's liquid courage, people are more authentic or more comfortable removing their inhibitions. The goal is to be uninhibited, sober, and we can have that. You can become someone who can be vulnerable and uninhibited even when you're sober. So what I would encourage you to do is just play a little game with this. Find out what your love language is first, and then you can take leadership. So there are five love languages. There's physical affection. There's words of affirmation. There's quality time. There is gestures, just kind of doing grand things for people, and then gifts. So you may or may not know right away what your love language is. In my family, I'm words of affirmation. So for example, if I'm in a conflict with my husband and he tries to just go in for the hug or the kiss, I literally push him away because I'm not available for physical affection in that moment. His love language is physical affection. So that's kind of his go to reconnect. I'm words of affirmation. So I need, like, I love you. I need some kind words of affirmation before I can be available for that physical hug. We were actually talking about this last night after yoga. His is physical affection. So if I just go in trying to talk to him, he kind of does the same pushback that I do. If he's giving me physical affection right away in a conflict. If in a conflict I start giving him words, he's like, wait a minute, he just wants a hug first. He doesn't want to talk.

Okay?

So it's so important in a relationship to understand what your love language is. My daughter, it's quality time. So she just wants full presence, one on one attention, and she feels loved that way. Who knows what this next baby will be, but we all have a different love language. And then it may or may not have been supported in our childhood. We may not have had parents or siblings showing us love in the way we needed it. And so we might have just decided that we're not gonna get that unconsciously. Take the love language quiz, see what your love language is. And then you could take leadership in talking to your partner about what you're learning about yourself. Like, this is What I really need to feel loved. I'd love to know what you need to feel loved. Find out. And then I would also encourage you to really look at. Why is public affection important to you? If you're having enough affection when you're not in public, why is it important to you that publicly you receive affection? And I'm not making it wrong. I would just encourage you to check that out because it might be an insecurity more than an actual need.

Well, according to the email, it sounds like there isn't much affection, period. But then, you know, a couple drinks go in and all of a sudden it's, you know, it's a lot easier for. For that. So, like, I've had it bend, like on my end where nothing, nothing. And then a couple drinks happen and then all of a sudden, like, the. The guard comes down and it's, you know, it's.

Well, maybe because it's just like a new relationship and they're just, you know, and.

And I absolutely call them out on it. I'm like, you know what I would like? I would like to hear that when you're sober, you're wanting to find out.

Like, who they actually are. Yeah. You're wanting to find out the reality of them. Tick. And the reason I brought that up with the public displays of affection, it might just be an intuition, but, you know, there are some people that really need public displays of affection. And then if that's the case, just look at why. What does that represent to you if you get it? And what does it represent if you don't get it? And what's more important than anything I'm gonna suggest is that you're really honest about what works for you in a relationship. And then if you're with somebody who has a different value set, that's good to know and they don't need to change. You just are gonna be able to find that maybe someplace else. So instead of trying to force someone to be comfortable with something they're not, be clear about what you're looking for and then just don't settle for less.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com if you have a question for Rebecca wanted handled here on the air Confidentially, go to cnykiss.com More on a confession Tuesday coming up next year at Kiss fm.