Confession Tuesday 9 3 13 BP Dad Update

It is a Confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. Welcome back.

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Missed you.

I missed you too.

I feel like whenever we miss a week, I feel like it's been forever.

It's like a month.

It's seriously. I know it really and truly is Confession Tuesday inspired results. Coach.com is the website you have lots of stuff going on, including Radiance, which is coming up.

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Coach.com inspired results. Coach.com. here's how it works. You email us and we talk about whatever it is going on in your world. We keep you confidential, so that way nobody knows that it is you that emails in. We absolutely. We take that very, very seriously. And we do it absolutely free here on the radio every single Tuesday. And every once in a while, we end up talking about ourselves. And I'm gonna blow your mind right now. You have no idea this is coming.

Oh, wow.

All right. Remember everything that happened with my dad? Yeah, Everything that happened with my dad. The whole. The whole kit and caboodle. Mom tells me yesterday that he called her on Wednesday and backstory. Mom co signed on some stuff for him. He hasn't paid.

Okay.

So she reached out to him being like, hey, where's my money? Pretty much. Ducking phone calls. Ducking phone calls. He called back, left a message saying, you'll get Money on Friday. P.S. i want a relationship with the boys again. And apparently, he never left New York.

Wow.

Yeah. So number one, she sat on it all the way through the week and told me yesterday because she didn't want to ruin my vacation. Okay, that's number one. Number two, she called me crying last night. Like. Like, it's affecting her this badly. Like, and it's one of those things where, like, I'm over it, but all it does is just kind of rehash everything, and all I want to do is go punch this dude in the face now, like, I'm. I'm like, I'm disconnected, and, like, I just want to punch the dude for making my mom cry at this point. Like, just let it go. You know? Handle your sponsor responsibilities and just kind of let it go. That's that. There you go. Rebecca.

So this all happened over the phone last night?

This. No, no, this happened.

She told you, and then she just called you later?

She told me face to face as we were unloading from camp, and. And then called me, like, three hours, four hours later, and just being like, I'm sorry. I had a. I believe the quote was, I'm sorry I was really bad at picking your dad.

Okay.

Yeah. So, like, she. She just feels bad that, like, she. You know, it's not. And my response was, mom, listen, we just had an amazing. An amazing week with our family, you know? It was you, it was me, it was the boys, and the amount of friends that came and shared this week with us was incredible. Don't worry about that. You know, that's. That's not part of our family anymore. That's not it. And if you're considering that part of. Then there's something wrong. You know what I'm saying? That's just. You know, I just. I feel bad for her because, like, I've made the disconnection, and she was disconnected, and she was. She was good, and. And one phone call sucked her right back in.

Right. So can you entertain the possibility she was never good?

Um, sure. I can't. Maybe. Mostly. But better than I have ever seen her with the situation.

Got it. And so this is the beauty of the work, right? We get better and better and better. All we can do is take baby steps. You can't get from A to Z. And I hear this in my office every day. I thought I had this handled. Rebecca, come on. I thought I had this handled. I don't want to deal with this again. Right, but the issue is, whatever is real for you is real. So your anger right now in response to the situation, there's the next layer for you. Your mom's grief around the situation, there's the next layer for her. I guess my question is, let's stick with what you actually have control over.

Right?

What's your response to him wanting a relationship with the boys?

My response to him wanting anything is don't call her anymore. You deal with me, huh? And that was how we got through the whole, get your stuff out of the house and get the hell out of here. You don't deal with her. You deal with me. She does. She's not. And I hate saying this like this. I'm the strength that she needs to get through it. She doesn't have that. She wants to have that strength to get through this with him, but buckles every time.

So can I confront something with you?

Bring it.

Okay. That's the biggest bunch of BS I've ever heard that you're the strength that she needs to get through this.

Okay?

That is an anchor that's gonna impact every single relationship that you have with women for the rest of your life.

Wow. You just got really deep on me. Okay, okay, explain. Explain what you just said, because I'm. All right.

I have goosebumps right now.

Wow. All right, Come on.

Every.

I'm feisty today. I had a week off. Let's go.

I love it. So every relationship that you have with the opposite sex is directly related to the relationship that you have with your mom?

God, that's creepy. I hate when people say that.

So when you're carrying around a belief that your mother needs you to be strong for her, for her to be okay, that is absolutely going to anchor you down and weigh you down in your other relationships with women.

How so?

Because you're going to automatically take on that same role with any woman you're with. That any woman you're with is going to need you to be strong for them, for them to be okay. That is an impossible mission.

How is that the case, though, if I'm attracted to strong, independent women?

Well, that's what you think, but on.

The surface, I'm not.

No, on the surface. See, here's. And this is the beauty of the Radiant seminar. Right? I believe all women. Women are strong and independent. We all have a streak. But then there are women that are codependent. So, see, this is what I want to talk to you about. This word codependence freaks people out. They think they know what it means, but here's my version. And you don't have to believe me on this. You can check it out for yourself. Everybody out there. But codependence is where you are enmeshed in someone else's life. Your identity is collapsed with their identity. And in your childhood, it makes a lot of sense. Your dad was unavailable. You and your mom were almost in alliance. Would that be a correct statement? Sure. Okay, you can tell me if I'm off, but this happens with parents and kids. A lot of times, even if the parents are together, one parent's aligned with one, the other parent is aligned with the other. And typically, it's the father aligned with the Oldest and the mother aligned with the second. Okay, that's fairly common. But regardless, what happens is it's almost like that kid that has the alliance with the parent is the emotional spouse and takes on a role of responsibility with their parent. That is not healthy because the kid thinks that the parent's only happy because they're making them happy or only sad if they didn't do their job to make them happy. You following me?

I understand that, but that, I mean that not necessarily the case with this. I mean, it's. It's not like her happiness, you know, depends upon me.

Yeah, but when you say she can't get through it without you being strong for her, that's absolutely her happiness depending on you.

That's not. That's just. That's one situation you're. I mean, not if you're talking day to day stuff. That's not the case at all.

Right, but see, we're talking about when life gets hard and squeezes you. That's when the truth comes out. That's when the real stuff happens. So you are in a rescue with your mom. If you believe she can't handle this, she can. I met your mom. She is amazing.

Oh, absolutely.

She has this handled. And see, codependence just means that if.

She'S calling me crying, she obviously doesn't have it handled.

But maybe she does. See, that's the issue. Maybe she should be allowed to grieve and have her emotion and it has nothing to do with you needing to do anything to fix it. That would be the response. That is not codependent.

I mean, the only thing I really can control is the fact if him seeing the boys or not, which he's not going to. That's what I can control. That's what I can control.

So you want him a. What I'm hearing you say is you want him to contact you directly, not be going through your mom.

Right. Because what he wants is a relationship with the boys, with the kids. And if that's the case, I'm the gatekeeper. He has to deal with me.

Got it.

So man up, put your big boy Underoos on and call me instead of being a coward and going through mom.

And then you already know that you're not open to having him interact with the boys on that level.

Right. And that's not gonna happen. And him trying to get it is by going the different angles and he knows that he can get mom to say yes.

Right. And so, you know, this happens so much. And I'm not saying that this is true for your parents. But there's almost an emotional addiction to each other in a lot of dysfunctional marriages where, you know, I know the exact buttons to push with you to bring you back and vice versa. So the kids are dramatically affected by that. The kids kind of get bounced around emotionally, and they don't know which end is up. There's nothing secure or consistent for the.

Kids to rely on, which is why the boys aren't gonna be exposed anymore.

And you're seeing that coming. And I guess what I'm saying with.

Your mom, I really hope he's listening right now.

I want you to just consider the possibility that you can be support for your mom without having to rescue her and take on the burden of what she's feeling. Because right now I could see how much her pain impacts you. Sure, you want her to be healthy and happy and have whatever it is that she wants, and you're an amazing son, but you taking on that emotional pain, it's only killing both of you. That's what I'm talking about when I say codependence. Because her pain is for her, it's not your business. While you are in her life, and obviously you see it. It impacts you.

Right.

Doesn't have to weigh you down. She can be winning, even if she has this emotion and this tremendous grief. And it's about your mom setting her own boundaries with her dad. With your dad, not her doing it right through you. That's not your responsibility.

What if she wants me to?

So that is a very, very slippery slope. Because if she's given you permission, which.

Was the entire situation when he came and got his stuff, she gave me permission to take care of it.

Right. So if she gave you permission, it's not a rescue unless you had permission. But it's still weighing you down emotionally. If you don't feel rock solid, if it's still bringing up a lot of anger in you, if you're not able to separate yourself from the situation emotionally, I would just suggest that you be careful.

If I didn't separate myself emotionally, I would have beat the piss out of him.

Right. There's a difference between. There's a big difference between separating yourself emotionally and being numb. Yeah, you're numbing out to avoid having to deal with the emotion.

Okay.

So that's not separating yourself emotionally. You're still impacted. So with that being said, just be careful. I love that she's given you permission, and you're not just swooping in without ever having a conversation and saying you stand over here. I'm gonna take care of this. That's not what you're doing.

Right.

Which is great. But the emotional impact on you is definitely gonna affect the relationships you have with women. That's what I want you to see.

Okay.

Because anytime the woman you love, she might be strong or independent, but anytime the woman you love has an issue like this, maybe with her own father or with anything, which is funny, because.

I don't think that I do.

Yeah. But have you ever gotten close enough to a woman to know.

Ouch.

Ouch. Seriously? Ouch. Is that why you don't get close to women? Right. Because you don't want to take that on? Wow. Just something to consider.

Wow. Feistiness. Coming back from vacation. It's local life coach Rebecca. Silence.

She's like, the best catch in central New York. He's the only single guy here at Kiss fm.

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