A caller worries her late-30s boyfriend is too old for making out after four months together. Life coach Rebeccah Silence says physical affection and love are separate things, and suggests the real issue might be insecurity or emotional distance. She recommends talking directly about it and initiating the affection you want.
It is Confession Tuesday. The website inspired results. Coach.com and this is what Rebecca does. Rebecca helps you get through the crap and a lot of times help you get through the emotion and the drama of situations to get the results you want. It doesn't matter what we're talking about.
Yeah. I think often what happens is when people start to get scared. And what I mean by that, fear is anytime you're feeling uncomfortable, it's anytime you're feeling powerless, that's fear, even for men. And anytime that's coming up, in my experience, it's hard to see clearly and it's hard to remember that whatever that is, it is for you. Anything that you're feeling uncomfortable around or isn't working in your mind, it's actually exactly what you need to have the most joyful experience possible. If you're willing to get through it, if you're gonna make it wrong, push it away, then the lessons just have to keep coming back, which is fine, but it'll just keep getting louder. So what I do with people is help them break through those patterns, emotional blocks, shatter the belief systems that keep them in Groundhog Day so they can have what they want.
All right. And if you would like your. If you would like some help with whatever's going on in your world, go to cnykiss.com, click on confession Tuesday on the left hand side, and tell your story. And we'll handle it on the air here, confidentially and for free. All right, you ready?
I am.
All right. Dear Rebecca, I've been going out with a guy for four months. He's a little bit older. I'm in my late 20s, and he's in his late 30s. We spent last weekend together, and the first day we hung out, we were all over it. Each other. Second day was a little weird. All we did was order pizza and watch a movie. There was no making out, no nothing. Is that weird? We're pretty comfortable around each other. Does he think he's too old to still have a makeout sessions?
This is a great email. Thank you for writing in. So, a couple of things I want to address right away. Number one, what if there's no right or wrong way to do your relationship? And then number two, what if physical affection is not love? See, a lot of people have the physical affection collapsed with intimacy or love, or I'm good enough. And when I say collapsed, it means you've got it all wrapped up together. So if we're not physical, then maybe he doesn't love me. Or if we're not physical. Maybe our relationship isn't gonna have enough intimacy. Or if we're not physical, then maybe I'm not enough in terms of size or who knows what.
Define physical.
So we're talking about, like the brown chicken, brown cow, or e. Even in a brand new relationship, just physical affection, period.
I love the fact that Rebecca. Silence.
I was dropped chicken, brown cow.
That's fantastic.
When she said that, literally my eyes widened. That's what you're talking about. But it's not necessarily to that point. It can even just be, you know, hugging, kissing in the beginning of a relationship.
Okay.
And a lot of people feel love from that physical affection. And without it, they get confused and think, maybe this person doesn't love me.
Well, isn't it like a chemical thing too, if you feel touches from other people in certain spots? I'm not trying to be dirty. But it releases different chemicals in the brain and stuff like that.
Absolutely, absolutely. But it's still not love, okay? It's a different component of a relationship that a lot of people mistake for love.
All right?
So when I have couples in my office that haven't had the brown chicken, brown cow in a while, and they're thinking, well, maybe that's because we don't love each other anymore, it's not true. I think what happens is people shut down, and if I'm not connected to myself, I can't feel other people. Whether it's a romantic partner or anyone else on the planet, if I can't feel someone, if I feel disconnected, I promise it's me, not them. So everybody out there, consider it. When you're wanting somebody to open up more to you, you're probably shut down and disconnected yourself. So anytime you're feeling like someone is far away, you get connected and get closer to you so that you can get connected to them. The other thing about this email is. Ask him a question. Ask him, are you just not attracted to me right now? Are you just comfortable watching a movie? Because, see, both. One day you got what you wanted, the next day it was just pizza and movies or whatever. But what if that is just as important? Being able to sit in silence, Being able to sit just comfortably together, just being. What if that's just as important, if not more than the physical affection?
You know what? It's funny. And it took me a little while to realize this true comfort. You know, you're comfortable with a person when you can sit in silence and have it be okay.
Absolutely.
You know, and not feel the need to fill it with, you know, whatever, because you feel the need to. It's just. It's just, like you said, just kind of being there, right?
And it's about, I think, understanding that you're enough and you're lovable regardless of what's taking place. If you're out at a club, if you're at a fancy restaurant, you know, if you're home in bed at night, if you're watching a movie, whatever it is, is you're still enough and you're still lovable. But when we get insecure, that energy, it radiates off of us like the sun.
Is that what makes. Is that what makes people kind of clingy and, like, PDA and, like, affection and, like, have to be on top.
Of, yeah, I want you. PDA is totally different from that. Needy. Oh, my gosh, if you aren't touching me, then I get scared. Pda, right? It's all about the energy you're coming from. I think some PDA is just like, I really want you right now. Get over here. And then some, right? It's just insecurity that's getting louder and louder and louder. And then what happens is your partner will most likely be repelled by the insecurity. It's gonna do the opposite of what you think it's gonna do. You think, oh, I'm trying to show you that I care and I want physical affection. And a lot of times people don't understand why they're repelled. It's something that maybe they can't put language to.
It feels smothering at times, right?
But if you're ever feeling smothered or suffocated, what's going on probably is that someone in that relationship is feeling insecure, and you can feel it. Not a bad thing. Again, important to ask questions and to communicate. I'm sure that your boyfriend is not too old here. He's just probably comfortable with you, which is a good thing. And if you're wanting more than just the tv, turn off the tv. Go after him.
Absolutely.
Don't be afraid to initiate that. Go get it.
Get it.
Absolutely.
So that's. So that's. That's the homework.
So the homework is pay really closely attention to what you believe about physical affection. Do you believe that without physical affection, you are a problem or the relationship's in trouble? Do you believe that physical affection is love or intimacy? Think about what your beliefs are there so important. And then make sure that when you are insecure or having questions or needs that aren't being met. You communicate. That's the only way to grow with someone and every relationship is going to have that moment of insecurity. That's not bad. What is so important is that you openly communicate so that you can get through it.
Local life coach Rebecca Silence Inspired results. Coach. Com is her website, and you can also like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter as well. More on A Confession Tuesday coming up next on Kiss fm.
