Rebecca Silence takes a call from someone struggling to forgive after being betrayed. She argues forgiveness is self-care, not about the other person, and compares holding a grudge to drinking your own poison. She walks through facing your anger, talking to your partner, and knowing when to leave.
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And it is a confession Tuesday. Sorry, did I confess?
I was gonna say it on a confession Tuesday.
Sorry.
It's fine.
Sorry. Do you wanna start over?
No.
Okay. Life coach Rebecca. Silence in studio inspired results. Coach.com Good morning.
Good morning.
So how we roll on a confession Tuesday is you go to cnykiss.com and you submit a question for Rebecca to handle here on the air. We handle it confidentially. We've been doing this forever. Ever, ever, ever. Always confidential.
Right.
We don't say names or anything like that. And with your questions, it's amazing how many people are dealing with the same exact problem.
Yeah.
So please, we definitely suggest and encourage you to do so. Go to see my kids.com and submit yours. And you'll be able to help not only yourself but so many other people. You ready?
Yes.
All right, here we go. Dear Rebecca, when someone you love betrays you and you know deep in your heart you cannot forgive and move past it. How do I move on for the sake of my well being?
Oh, this is such a good question. Yeah, forgiveness is tough. And then it's so cliche to hear people talk about, you know, forgive for you. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Like it's the easiest thing in the world. And obviously it's not right. But the truth is that forgiveness is for you and never the other person. And a mentor of mine that I've.
Worked with before, before you get into that, when you say forgiveness is for you, not for anybody else, explain why.
That's exactly what I was going to do. So this mentor of mine, his name is Eric Plattenberg, talks about if you won't forgive, you're the one drinking your own poison.
Okay.
Right. Because you're harboring these toxic thoughts and this toxic energy. And basically, you know, I guess the easiest way to describe it is you don't have to forgive in terms of pretending like what happened was okay. It isn't about giving people a free pass and you're off the hook. It's just about if you're carrying resentment and a grudge and anger, that negative energy, it actually creates disease in your body and builds up toxicity in you.
Oh, wow.
Right. On a physical level, on an emotional level, and even on a specific spiritual level.
So when you see people and you encounter people, you can what? You can tell when people are in a good mood. You can tell when people are having a good day. And you can tell, especially if it's somebody you deal with on a daily basis, you can tell if they're having a bad day. Is that kind of the. The stuff that kind of breeds into it? Like if, like if you're harboring this kind of stuff, a lot of times that kind of show energy?
Yeah. You're gonna be in a vibration. Right. And the vibration that you're in, I.
Try to avoid those because once I start vibrating, I can't stop.
The jig responds to your energy. So, yes, people will know that this negative vibration, for lack of a better term is, Is going on in you.
Right.
But what I'm more concerned about is use the conflicts in your relationship, use the breakdowns and even the heartbreaks to your advantage for you to grow into a stronger version of yourself. If you're activated by something someone does to the point where you're really in your crap and that's actually your work to do. So where people get codependent and goofy in relationships is when they make the other person's issues their own. Oh, you're in a bad mood today, so let me walk on eggshells with you. Oh, you're doing this. That hurts my feelings. Now my day is ruined. This game is only going to disconnect you more from the people that you're close to. Right. So relationship is meant to grow you into a better version of yourself. And I want everyone to consider that it's possible to become a person that's so responsible for what's going on with you that nobody else could make or break you.
Okay, so back to the email. How do you move forward for the sake of their wellbeing? How does someone move forward?
So here's the thing. If somebody is doing something that goes against who you are or is very harmful, for example, if you're in a monogamous relationship and you find out if that the person that you're with was lying or that there was an affair, it doesn't mean the relationship can't be worked through. But what will hurt you is if you make it your fault or if you don't talk about what's going on with you. So the best advice I have is, if you're in a place where you can't forgive yet, what emotion don't you want to feel? Are you avoiding being sad about this thing? Are you avoiding being angry about this thing? Is your fear something that you don't want to deal with? I'm saying face head on when you what's going on emotionally with you, and then we just haven't trained the person yet how to treat you right. So if there's a breakdown, which there will always be in any relationship, you can't have a relationship without drama. You can't. So if you want relationship, bring on the drama, bring on the conflict. Because there's no way to have the relationship without it, right? But what happens is people use the drama against each other and hold grudges instead of learning how to be with the other person. And in that process, become a better version of yourself. So talk about how you feel. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm scared. I feel disconnected from you. I feel lonely. I want us to figure out how to make this right with each other. When two people are willing to do the work to make things right with each other, magic happens and the relationship can be reinvented. When two people are punishing each other and blaming each other for their pain, and the relationship is dead in the water. So you don't have to tolerate a bunch of nonsense, but figure out how you can be a stronger version of yourself that doesn't step over or ignore things that don't work for you in relationship. And then once you've gotten clear and calm and confident about what takes care of you and communicated it, if the other person doesn't stop, whatever they're doing, that's on them, not on you anymore. And there's nothing to forgive. It's just, I love you too much to do this dance with you, so I'm walking away peacefully.
Life coach Rebecca Silence inspired resultscoach. Com on a confession Tuesday Amazing work as always.
If you're in drama, that relationship is totally the perfect relationship for you right now to grow.
