A Confession Tuesday radio/YouTube segment (Sept 2016) in which a parent emails that her 20-year-old son—who moved in with his 18-year-old girlfriend's family—is planning to marry and has cut off communication because of the parent's disapproval. Life coach Rebeccah Silence advises the parent to step back from fixing, offer unconditional love, keep the door open for conversation, and encourage the young adults' autonomy while remaining supportive.
And it is a Confession Tuesday. Life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.
Good morning.
Inspired results. Coach.com Rebecca is available for individuals, couples, families, also corporate speaks. Everything is all there. And the women's weekend, which we talked about a little earlier on her website and also her Facebook as well, how it works. On a Confession Tuesday, you submit your questions, your concerns, whatever's going on in your world, and Rebecca handles it here confidentially on the air. Are you ready?
I'm ready, yeah.
All right, here we go. Dear Rebecca, my son is 20. His girlfriend is 18. Last year, he moved in with her family. It was recently brought to my attention that they are planning to get married. As much as I would like to support their plans, I feel that they are still not mature enough as they haven't lived on their own yet and they're still living with the girlfriend's family. I feel that living get together for the least a year can strengthen their relationship and. Oh, I'm sorry, it's. It's the autocorrect on it. Skip the word here. I feel that living together for at least a year can strengthen their relationship and mature even as a couple, because of my advice. As a couple. But because of my advice or opinion, neither of them will talk to me. So in other words, she. They got set up and she's trying to. To put her 2 cents in. And because of the way the situation is, they're not even. They're not even listening.
Right.
So, by the way, I apologize for that awful read. I should have pre read the bottom part of that.
It's okay. I'm with you. It's all right. What's really cool is that the listener wrote this email and I think it's probably fair to say that the disconnect was happening between her and her son even prior to the engagement. He's already moving in with the girlfriend's family. So, you know, any parent that is feeling disconnected from their kid and scared about it can probably relate on some level to this listener's email. And then I don't know any parent who hasn't at some point felt disconnected from their child and been scared about it. So this is something that happens to all parents, including me. And, you know, your children are going to need to learn on their own. They will never do what you tell them to do.
Oh, no.
And you don't have to believe me. Check it out for yourself. But they're looking at you. They're looking at your choices and thinking on some level probably that there's hypocrisy. Going on between what you say and what you do. So trying to be the person that comes in to rescue the situation and gives them advice and tells them what to do will only push them away farther.
Sure.
So I always say one of the best things I think a parent can tell their child is, you know what? There's nothing you can do to make me love you less. I'm gonna support whatever you decide. If there's anything I do to make this easier. If you want to know my opinion, not because I think that your choice is wrong, but because I have some life experience and would be interested in sharing it with you, I'd be happy to tell you what I think. But if you don't want to know, that's okay too. I mean, if you just take this need for fixing it off the table, you create a new opportunity to reconnect with your child.
It could also be a situation where, you know, your child is not no longer a child, is now an adult. And looking at them from that way, the transition there can be catchy as well. It seems like it's twofold, right?
And you know, there may be. I'm wondering if what you're trying to say, Gary, is there may be some of the empty nest piece going on. Like, I want to still be your parent as you're growing up and not really my child anymore. And that could be true, but I mean, even at 18, 20 years old, I got married the first time at 23. It was way too young, 21. So, you know, that doesn't mean that that's too young for everybody. It was too young for me. I mean, I have couples that I've coached that have been together since high school and they're doing great and they're coming to me now to help reinvent things because they've been together so long and they're bored. Right? So not the age exclusively is going to be the reason why this relationship doesn't work. So they're either going to make it or they're not. And, you know, I think what your son probably needs more than anything is your love and, and the open door policy of if, you know, you want to come to me and talk and get my opinion on some of this, I'm available, and if not, that's okay, too. But I'm loving you, I'm supporting you, and I'm cheering you on.
So that's the homework for the person.
Who wrote the thing is, for all parents, if you try to, you know, correct your child and make them wrong and save them from themselves, they're only gonna want nothing to do with you. So if you can just have a conversation saying, there's nothing you can do to make me love you less, I support you, whatever, decide, and if you want to talk further and hear my opinions, I'm available. And that conversation for all parents as you're transitioning from, you know, high school to adult life or from college to adult life, I think is a really important conversation to have with your kids. The other thing I'll say that I think all children need to hear from their parents is, you know what? Go make your choices. Do better than I did. Do better than you even think you can. Go have your life. And I'm going to be here cheering you on. Because one of the things I see in my coaching practice, I do a lot with couples, I do a lot with families. And one of the things I see is that, you know, often people keep themselves right around where they saw their parents. And it isn't about good or bad or right or wrong. It's not about, go be better than me because I didn't do a great job. But people will end up making a similar amount of money a great deal of the time, having similar types of relationships that their parents had, and they can have a whole new experience as an adult. It doesn't have to mirror exactly what they saw growing up. So having that conversation where you just let your child know, I love you, I want you to go fly and be as great as you can possibly be is something that I think is really cool for kids to hear so that they can go take their life on their own in their own way.
Life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com Rebecca Silence of inspired results on Facebook. Absolutely fantastic. And if you want to submit for next week and go to cnykiss.com, click on Rebecca Becca's icon and a past log of so many different segments are there. And you can also submit your question for next week.
Thank you so much. Yeah. And I just don't want this listener to miss out on being part of her son's journey because she's so worried about the sun falling on his face. He might, but you want to be a part of it, so be loving and supportive.
