A short recorded conversational segment (Confession Tuesday) featuring life coach Rebeccah Silence and other speakers discussing domestic violence prompted by the publicized Ray Rice incident. The speakers define abuse broadly (physical, emotional, mental, sexual), stress that abuse is never justified, and connect patterns of abuse to learned behavior and self-worth issues. Rebeccah offers practical guidance — listen to the inner voice that you deserve better, seek mentors/coaches/therapists, use hotlines and organizations (YWCA), and recognize October as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The segment includes personal disclosures (a past domestic-violence marriage and an assault in a hotel) used to normalize reaching out for help.
Before we go any further, though, I want to bring up something that a lot of people are talking about. In fact, Ben and I were talking about it earlier this morning. The whole Ray Rice thing.
Yeah.
You know, if you haven't. If you haven't seen the video yet, it really is graphic. It really is disturbing. But at the same time, if you are in a relationship where, oh, wow, I can see that happening to me, or I've been in that kind of situation, this is a huge wake up call for people that are in, you know, abusive relationships.
Yeah. And abusive relationships aren't necessarily just physical. There can be emotional abuse, mental abuse, sexual. There are lots of different layers. And we were actually just talking about this earlier this morning over at Talk of the Town with Frank and Mark. I think what's really important to understand is that no matter what anyone's doing, it's never justified in someone else taking out their anger on another human being. No one actually has the power to set you off. And you don't have to believe me. Just consider the possibility that nobody, regardless of what they're doing, has the power to make you so angry that it gives you permission to violate another human being's rights to be treated with dignity and respect. It's never the other person's fault. They're bringing something up in you that was already there, needing to be dealt with. So if you're someone who has anger issues, what I know is that you had to have seen it from somewhere else. This is learned behavior. It probably happened to you. When I'm in schools dealing with the bullies, the bully was bullied, period. And they learned it and don't want to be a doormat anymore. So it's learned behavior. And what's really good news is that it can also be unlearned. All behavior that's not working in your life, any strategy that's causing you suffering, it can be unlearned and replaced with something else.
Okay.
It's just we've got to get to the root of why this is still a pattern in your life. And then for anyone on the flip side, feeling like if I had done something different wouldn't be happening to me, just consider that I don't care what you did. You don't deserve to be violated in any way, shape, or form. So if you're in a situation like this, and October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, so we'll be talking a lot more about this, I'm sure, in October. But just understand that nothing you could possibly do warrants abuse. Of any kind. And for an adult. And this is something that is near and dear to my heart, because as an adult, I continued to stay in abusive situations for way too long in a domestic violence marriage than out of that and in some, you know, pretty scary, dangerous positions. And I couldn't understand why this kept happening to me. What I learned is it wasn't necessarily happening to me. I wasn't someone who was standing up for herself. And anyone who is a target. Just understand that any perpetrator knows who they can get away with this stuff with.
Right.
And it doesn't make it your fault. It's just. I had an experience with. Talked about it a couple of times where I was assaulted at a hotel by the manager of a hotel. Total stranger. The friends I was with, they weren't chosen. Why? Because they wouldn't have put up with it for two seconds. He had them with champagne bottles in a pool. I went to bed early. He didn't think I would say anything. And at the time, believe it or not, I didn't even call the police. My friends had to tell me to call the police. It didn't even occur to me to stand up for myself in that way. So just understand it's not your fault. But perpetrators know who they can get away with this type of thing with.
Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. There are people listening right now that unfortunately are in an abusive relationship, whether it be physical, mental, whatever it is, and are choosing to stay in that type of relationship because it's easier to, quote, unquote, just take it and deal with it rather than risk the, you know, upsetting the other person and triggering the other person and having to deal with.
Or even if they're married, you know, maybe that person's scared because, you know what I mean, they don't have that security that they would have if they were with that person.
I just want to address this right away. Number one, the person's upset anyway, so you're not gonna cause them more upset if they're gonna be upset anyway.
But in their mind, it could be a trigger.
Exactly.
But that's. But that's part of the mindset, saying.
What if that's just a distraction from having to look at the fact that you deserve better? Right. What if focusing on, oh, I don't want to make this person more upset is just a way to not have to look in the mirror and go, I'm here because these are the beliefs I have about myself. This is all I think I'm worth And I don't know how to raise that bar for me. See, it's never about the other person. And whatever you're in is directly related to how much you're valuing yourself. So if you're in a domestic violence situation, or even if you're the one that's doing the violating, I'm sure that there are self worth issues here. You're probably not thinking you're that important that, you know, the abuser might not think that the abuse has a significant impact on the level that it actually does because they might not think they're that important. The person getting abused, I guarantee, doesn't think that they are worth more than that. And I'm suggesting that you are. You can't cause other people to be upset, period. If they're upset, they already were. So you're just bringing out what was already there. And your job could be to make sure you're taking impeccable care of you and making sure that you're valuing you. If you won't value you, the world won't either.
Let me ask you this, and we're gonna have to, you know, go to a break in a little bit. Say you're, you know, you're on the receiving end, quote unquote, of the abusive relationship, you know, marriage, boyfriend, girlfriend, what, whatever type of relationship it is. And you know, you're saying that a lot of it has to do with self worth and not, you know, feeling that's the best you'll be, you know, you can get or, you know, scared that there's not going to be much more out there. And this, that and the other. How can someone get the courage, how can someone get the strength to take that first step? Because a lot of times, just that first step, taking that first move, making that first phone call is the hardest thing. And, and, and maintaining it and sticking to it because again, the fear, you know, quote unquote sets in. What's it, what's a good way to kind of help that? Because I know there's, there's people that are like, they want to, but are afraid and.
Yeah, and, and I get that fear, believe me. I lived with it for the majority of my life. What I'm wanting you. The self worth issues. These patterns that are learned, they stem back from when we're really, really young. And so we're either gonna repeat the same type of patterns we saw growing up or we can start doing something different, leading our lives in a new direction, even if we've never seen it done before. So that little whisper in your brain, that little voice that says, I know it could be better if you've got that. Just start there. Just listen. Turn up the volume a little more on the. That's telling you that you deserve better. Listen to that. Louder than the voice that's telling you this is all there is. Because I promise, this isn't all there is for anybody out there in any type of relationship. You don't have to be in a domestic violence situation. You can have exactly what you want if you believe you deserve it. So another step is to find some type of a mentor. Find a coach, find a therapist, find somebody who in your professional field you look up to and raise the bar for yourself. Have a bigger game. Find a mentor, someone that you can have accountability with. It doesn't necessarily have to be a best friend or a family member. Find somebody. If the best friend or family member is what you feel more comfortable with, great. But I want you to find a mentor that challenges you to raise the bar for yourself, to become a better version of you, so you can be proud of yourself at the end of the day. And it's not a bad thing. People that go through these situations. I actually, I have a nine year old and we had a discussion a couple of weeks ago about this, and I was saying, you know, my marriage to her father, best thing that could have ever happened to me. It might have been a domestic violence situation, but I needed that experience to grow. And he's not a bad guy. It's not his fault. So I'm just, I'm wanting you all to consider that whatever you're in, it's a gift. It gives you an opportunity to grow and find a mentor that challenges you to be better. Not because there's anything wrong with you, but because you can have more fulfillment in your life.
And there's also, there's also hotlines and like, the YWCA does a lot of work with this kind of situation. So there, there are people willing to help. When you think that they're, you know, you don't want to burden friends or whatever, there are organizations and people that are willing to help.
Yeah, thank you for mentioning that. And we can put some of those resources online today. Again in October, it's National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. So there will be more. But. But for anyone, for everyone, reach out. Just one person that you're speaking up and telling the truth to can make a huge difference.
Local life coach Rebecca Silence. It is Confession Tuesday. Inspired results. Coach.com is the website.
