A short transcript of a recorded relationship-advice segment (Sept 9, 2014) featuring coach Rebeccah Silence. After a brief host introduction framing Rebecca as someone who "cuts through the drama," the episode addresses a listener email about regretting a breakup after seeing an ex with a more attractive new partner. Rebecca reframes the situation: you can’t know the ex’s true feelings, rebound relationships often mask grief, comparison is harmful, and breakups can be opportunities to take leadership of your life and focus on solutions. She gives examples (her own divorce and later happier relationship, reconnecting with her husband via dance classes), urges letting go of comparison, and encourages pursuing someone who values you. The segment ends with a call to submit stories at cnykiss.com and follow Rebecca on social media.
Normally is you give us your scenario, you give us what's going. You know what drama is in your world. And Rebecca, what she does is pretty much you cut through the crap. You cut. Because how many times have has this happened? You know, you talk to your friend and your friend tells you this story.
Yeah.
And the story is a good 15 minutes of. And then he said. And then she said. And then this happened. And then this was on Facebook. And somehow Rebecca has this way of like cutting through the crap and getting right to the heart of the matter.
Right to the source.
Seriously.
So we can have solutions.
Absolutely. Because that's right. You can't. To move past, you gotta figure out what the real problem is and figure out how to fix it.
Right? Yeah. We're getting through the drama to get to solutions. And then I believe if you look hard enough, there's always a solution. And I'm either letting the drama have all the power, or I take the power back, get in leadership of my life and focus on solutions.
How many people let the drama have all the power? It seems like a lot.
It's the norm, I would say. And I don't think it's because anybody's bad or wrong. It's just the drama can be very painful and it can take over. People can only see that. And one of the things I believe is when we're in that drama triangle, you can't see all the possibility that exists at the same time. When you're in the drama, you're either in possibility thinking or the drama and obstacle thinking one or the other in any given moment. So it's also a lot easier for me when I'm not in your story to be the objective person looking from the outside, offering the solutions, and then just know that I go through all the same drama that you do every single day.
Oh, Rebecca. Silence. Her life is perfect. No, absolutely not.
I love my life. I am really proud of the way it's set up. I'm very grateful. But then I go through drama just as much as everyone else. My husband was just saying a couple weeks ago, we're too disconnected. We're too disconnected. So we found a way to get more connected. Were taking dance classes with me, big and pregnant. But it's not always perfect. And we needed those dance classes to reconnect because there had been some drama. It happens to all of us.
Absolutely.
So that's not a bad thing. The drama's not bad. It's a message that maybe I need to be in more leadership of what I want Absolutely.
So go to cnykiss.com and tell us what's going on in your world. Dear Rebecca, I broke up with my girlfriend a year ago because I thought I could do better. But to be honest, being single again hasn't gone that well. But apparently it has for her because she's already found someone. I thought she was so in love with me that it'd take her a while to meet another guy. It didn't. And not only that, but the new guy she's dating is way better looking than me. Is it weird that I want my ex back now that I've seen her with a new boyfriend?
This is a great email that I'm sure many of us can relate to. Thank you for writing in. You know, the first two things that come to my mind are, Number one, you have no. No idea what's actually going on with your ex. You have no idea how happy she actually is.
Right.
And I see this very often in my office. People come in, they're either wanting to break up or they've just broken up, and they're thinking that the other person is so happy, and I'm sitting here in my crap, miserable. What if? You have no idea what they're actually going through? And often that rebound relationship is just a distraction from having to feel all the grief that you're feeling around losing the relationship.
Yep.
So this person may or may not be happy. And then I remember when I got divorced from my first husband, my mother, who I love so much, says to me, well, I think this is great, because he'll get what he needs now, and you'll get what you need now. And I was so upset. I was so hurt. Mom, how could you say that? And then she was right. We weren't the right fit.
Right.
So that means that there is someone else that's the right fit for him. And there obviously was someone else that's the right fit for me. I couldn't have ever imagined being as happy as I am with Mark. Even though we push each other's buttons, he's still my perfect match. So my mom was right that there was somebody better for each of us.
But hearing that at that point in time stung a little.
It stung, and it was the truth. So what if when you're breaking up, you could break up at a point where it's amicable? This is one of the things that I do with couples, is get them clear before they end the relationship so that it's clear it was time to move on. If you break up in the Middle of the drama, you're almost guaranteed to repeat it with the next person. So whatever drama you're in after this breakup, you have an opportunity to get through that. The second thing I wanted to say is, while you don't know whether or not she's happy, and I guarantee she has the same grief that you do, it just might be coming out different or she might be avoiding dealing with it altogether. The other piece is, why compare yourself? Is that causing you peace or stress, as Byron Katie would say? Right. I mean, comparison. What a trap.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, you're saying.
But it's. It's natural to do, though.
It is. Yeah. And how's it working out for you?
Well, I mean, not.
I'm saying give it up, put comparison in your hand and drop it. Comparing yourself to others at work, comparing yourself to others, period. It's a trap, and it's a recipe for more suffering. Sure. So you are a great catch. Even if it didn't work out with this person, and if you can get committed to what you want in a relationship, you'll have it. And another really hard truth I think that people often have to face is the fact that they didn't want the relationship anymore. So it's over because you didn't want it anymore or you weren't willing to do more work to make it work.
You know what's funny is this is a listener email, and Rebecca's looking at me and talking to me like it's my. Like it's my. Listen, I feel like you're talking right to me right now.
If it resonates with you, I have no control over that.
Well, you're looking straight at me.
I always do for these segments.
And you're saying, you, you, you. And I'm like, oh, my gosh, wow.
I'm talking to the listener. But hey, maybe if there's a gem here for you, that's good to know, but why compare yourself and just get that the relationship ended because apparently it needed to end. If people are meant to be together, they can build a relationship to last through whatever hurricanes and tornadoes come along.
Right.
If it's really meant to last, they can work it out. And if it wasn't meant to last, it doesn't make either person bad. It just means it wasn't the right relationship.
Next.
Which guarantees that there is a right relationship waiting for you, but only if you believe that that's possible. If you believe relationships are going to be suffering, if you believe that people aren't going to want you or that the grass is greener, you'll be right about those things. So own that you're a great catch because you are. And then go after what you want. Let her be happy with somebody else. She deserves it and so do you. You deserve to be happy with somebody else, too. And do you want to be chasing somebody and trying to convince them to be with you, or do you want to go find someone who gets how great you are?
Yeah, I don't compete. And that wants to be with you, right? Yeah, I don't compete. Yeah, I don't compete. I don't either.
Don't convince them that they need to be with you. Go be with someone who's willing to work with you through relationships.
Local Life coach Rebecca Silence Inspired Coach. Com. Make sure you like her on Facebook. Follow her on Twitter, and you'll be able to hear these segments coming up a little bit later today and you can share your story and we'll be able to handle it and deal with it right here on the air next Tuesday. Thank you so much.
