A short studio segment (Confession Tuesday) featuring life coach Rebeccah Silence offering relationship advice to a listener who asked what to do if a friend dates their ex two weeks after a three-year relationship ended. The coach emphasizes the difference between therapy and solution-focused coaching, encourages clear communication about grieving and boundaries, warns against mixed messages and catastrophizing, and advises asking directly, listening to the friend's explanation, and letting go of relationships that no longer serve you.
Local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. Good morning.
Good morning.
All right, so here's what we do. Some. It amazes me, like, we've been doing this for a while now, but every week I get more and more people being like, I just, I just got turned on to you guys for the first time. So I feel, like, weird, you know, setting the table every week. But it really is, you know, this could be the first time for somebody.
So.
So here's what we do. You are a life coach, which is different from a therapist, and explain how this works.
I actually am a therapist. I have a background in counsel, a master's in counseling, But I'm calling myself a life coach because this work is very solution focused. And we're not focusing on the problem, we're focusing on the goal and what's in the way of you achieving it. Whether it's emotional blocks, patterns, or faulty belief systems, we deal with all of that so that you can actually create different results in your life.
And if you are a business, if you have some sort of an organization, if you are a school and wants Rebecca to come and do a talk, doesn't matter what the focus is. She can absolutely do that and bring me along as well. Which would be. Which is. It's always interesting when you and I get together.
Definitely.
It absolutely is. So here's how it works. You go to cnykiss.com and you tell us your story. You tell us your situation anonymously, and then we will handle it here on the air for free. And as we're helping you, we end up helping a lot more people.
Oh, and you are so not alone. Any issue you have going on, believe me, there are so many more people than you can know that can relate and this definitely helps. As many questions as you put out there, more people than you know are actually in the same boat.
Absolutely. So go to CNY kiss.com and on the left hand side, you'll see the Confession Tuesday graphic. Just click on it, enter your stuff, and you're good to go. You ready?
I'm ready.
All right, here we go. I listen to you guys every Tuesday. You guys crack me up. Um, let's see here. You always seem to give people honest advice. What would you do if a so called friend dates your ex of three years two weeks after you two broke up?
Mm. This is a great question. Um, and a lot of you might know. I never know what we're gonna talk about before I get the question.
Um, and that's by design. That's.
You're welcome. Right? Yeah. I mean, I just hear the question and we roll. But you're definitely not alone in this one. I think. First of all, it's so important to understand that if you are requiring something or needing something from your friends, you gotta make sure they know. So my first question is, have you already had a conversation with this friend that you're still in grieving stage and you're still having a hard time dealing with the breakup because people will not be able to read your minds. Right. And we often. Especially in relationships, Right. This is February. It's Valentine's Day month for any couple out there. Get that while you might be saying one thing, you may be contradicting yourself in your actions. So mixed messages can be really confusing.
Okay, so say. Say that again. Because what you say you want and what you actually want could be two completely different things. Is that what you're saying?
Absolutely. I'm saying be careful with your mixed messages, because I'm seeing. All right? I have this pair of best friends, and the one is like, yes, screw that guy. I'm so over it. You know, that was terrible relationship. I'm so clear. That wasn't ever going to work.
I'm so done. I'm never going to talk to him again.
You're acting like you're totally cool, right? And then the friend's like, okay, great, she's cool, or he's cool.
Game on.
Right. Like, wait a minute. I thought you were done. Now, of course, in relationships, whether it's romantic or a friendship, communication is important.
Right?
But I'm just suggesting that you're half of any relationship you're in. So in this experience where the friend. Now you're feeling betrayed is what it sounds like. You have set that up. The betrayal. So where did you communicate or not? And where did you send mixed messages? Is my first question. Now, if you were absolutely clear communicating and the person went ahead and did it anyway, I want you to think about the fact that, number one, you did let the person go. The relationship's over. Whether they let you go or you let them go, it's done. So, of course we want the other person to be happy. Eventually. You might be mad at them right now.
I'm glad you threw eventually in there.
Right, Right. I understand you might be mad right now. You might not quite be ready for them to be happy. But the goal, hopefully, is that at some point we're all happy. Eventually, right?
Eventually.
I'll never forget, after my divorce, I had my mother on the phone and she's like, yeah, I know. You know, your husband, he's gonna find somebody great for him, somebody perfect for him. I'm like, mom, what are you saying to me right now? But the truth is, there was somebody perfect for him, and there is somebody perfect for me. And now I'm married to the guy that I should have been married to the whole time, and that's okay. It's so important to get. If this wasn't a good fit, next somebody else will be the good fit. But the. The.
The thing that really jumps out at me with this is the timeline. I understand the timeline because, you know, if you are with somebody for three years, and then all of a sudden, you know, you're supposed to be eff. Is, you know, hooking up with them and whatever, two weeks later, that's a little close for comfort, even if you do communicate.
But see, I'm saying two weeks, two years. I don't know if the time actually makes a difference in this case. I think communication was what's so important.
Okay.
And if you're communicating and this friend is kind of like, yeah, whatever, not compassionate, not really wanting to negotiate through this conflict with you, that's really good information to have.
Absolutely right.
Because maybe they really do have a strong love connection. And it's not that they're not caring about you. It's just that they're really, really good together. I'm not justifying people's weird behavior. Don't hear me saying that. But I am saying we can't play God with each other in our relationships and have expectations and try to get people to be the way we want them to be.
So what. So what should this person do? You know, being in the situation as. As it is.
So in any breakdown, any relationship, ask for what you want. Okay? So we're very clear about what you don't want. So what do you want? And I get that it's easier to know what you don't want, but your relationship can't heal through conflict if people aren't putting solutions on the table. So you got to ask her what you want and then be willing to listen. Say, I don't understand what's happening here. Can you please help me understand? And that's sincere. That's a real question.
But you also have to be willing to hear what's being said, too, right? Because, I mean, whatever's said may be the answer that you don't want to hear. You have to be able to handle it.
It may resolve it, and it may kind of drive a Nail in the coffin in the relationship.
Very true.
But either way, now you know.
Right.
And you're not just home and knowing.
Is half a battle. Just has G.I. joe. I understand.
I call it catastrophizing.
What?
Catastrophizing.
Okay.
When you go to worst case scenarios without actually checking it out.
I know people like that.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, yeah.
Well. And I don't know anybody who hasn't catastrophized at some point. But my point here is that if you don't check it out with the friend and find out what's really going on on their end, you can't make a decision about whether or not this friendship is good for you or not anymore. So I'm saying get all the. And be clear when you go to have that conversation, if you're mad and blaming and threatening, the conversation is not going to go well. So wait until you're clear. And actually, like you said, willing to listen to the response so that you guys can decide as friends whether or not this is something you can get through any homework. Yeah. I think be willing to let go of anything that doesn't serve you, whether it's a friendship or a romantic relationship. Don't settle. And don't settle for. For not getting the full picture through lack of communication ever.
InspiredResultsCoach.com is the website and it is a confession. Tuesday local lifestyle.
And I just have one more thought. You know, I understand it's hard sometimes to get that real information to now. All right. They actually want the relationship and are willing to sacrifice the friendship. That may be hard to hear, but the truth is if that's what's real, it's what's real whether you're talking about it or not.
Right.
So. So better to know better to get all the information, even if it hurts at first in the long run. See, we're about designing your life on purpose the way you want. So the more information you have, the better.
That. That was good stuff. That's good stuff. Coming up next, we are going to talk about the highly anticipated and also highly dreaded Valentine's Day.
I was like, where's he going?
We're going to. We're going to talk Valentine's Day with local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com on a confession Tuesday here on Kiss FM. Hold on.
