Confession Tuesday "Breaking Patterns" 8-6-13

It is a confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Inspired results. Coach.com. welcome back.

Thank you.

Missed you.

Missed everyone.

All right, so what we do here on the confession Tuesday, I feel. I almost feel like we're out of practice. We had one week off, and I feel like we're out of practice. What we do here is you email us and you tell us what's going on in. In your world, and we'll break it down and pretty much we'll get.

We'll.

We'll cut through all the drama and get to the root of the issue.

Yeah. So coaching is solution focused. What we do in coaching is we look at people's patterns that they keep repeating and knock them in a new direction versus just traditional therapy where we're talking about what's not working and talking about what's not working and talking about what's not working. So I work with individuals. I work with couples, families, and I do a lot of corporate training. There are also some seminars coming up. We have the radiance seminar for Women on September 14th at the Stanley.

Nice.

And for confession Tuesday, you get to just confidentially write in and get some free tips.

So let's talk about. Let's talk. Um, I had it. And I absolutely. I had a brain fart. Um, I did. I absolutely. I had. I had a brain fart all of a sudden. Um, let's talk about the fact that people fall into patterns.

Yes.

Okay. Let's talk about. People fall into patterns. Whether it be with relationships, whether it be professionally, people still. You know, it's like I keep getting the same thing over and over and over. My relationships always end up the same way every single time. It always seems like I. I have bad choices and I end up with the same kind of guy or I end up with the same kind of girl, or I end up with the same kind of problems with work. No matter what kind of job I get, a lot of times people have that problem looking in the mirror and realizing that part of it is them as well.

Yeah. So, of course you're the common denominator in your life and in your relationships. There are four stages of relationships that you've heard me talk about before, but I will mention them again. The first stage is fresh love. And this is what I hear over and over and over again in my office. People are wanting to get back to. They miss those sparks, the fireworks, the sunshine and rainbows, the fresh love where it's all glorious and wonderful. But here's the real truth about fresh Love, it's totally fake. There's zero substance.

What?

There is zero substance.

What do you mean it's fake? It feels so good, but it doesn't.

It's like, sweet, real.

It feels so good.

So a lot of people with their relationship. And this isn't just relationships that are romantic, right? This can be careers, you know? How many people do you know? I used to be one of them that quit jobs after a year, over and over and over again because I got sick of it. Fresh love went away. I quit. Well, the reason I'm saying there's, you know, I never.

I never equated that to jobs.

Yeah, of course, this isn't just romantically. This is. Even best friends, you know, you probably know some people that recycle best friends. It happens in any stage of. Or in any type of relationship, rather. So fresh love, there's absolutely no substance because you don't know each other yet. There's no foundation there. Which is why when the big bad wolf comes along, huffs and puffs, you get blown over a lot of the time when the fresh love starts to go away. So I'm saying there's no foundation yet when you're in fresh love. I'm not saying it isn't fun, but I'm saying this isn't going to last.

Okay?

Because the honeymoon eventually is gonna end, and now I get to see you for who you really are, which is when we get to the second stage of relationships.

That's when you get to see them first thing in the morning before their coffee.

Right? This is when you kiss them before they brush their teeth for the first time. This is when all of a sudden we call it disillusionment. Where now I panic because this isn't what I thought it was. And again, this happens in any type of relationship.

Is it bad? I'm thinking of the old Donald Duck cartoon where he's in love and da, da, da, da, da. And him and Daisy, and then they get married and then he wakes up and it's her, you know, like, just woken up with the cotton, the cigarette hanging in her mouth. What's wrong with you?

Oh, that's hilarious.

That's it. But that's what. That's what I'm picking up right now.

Disillusionment. Donald and Daisy Duck. That's.

Seriously. That's what I'm. That's what I'm thinking of right now.

Disillusionment. A lot of people quit here because suddenly Donald quit.

Well, he ran, and that was the end of the cartoon.

You go back to fresh love. The next time, hit disillusionment, end it again. Right. So many people end the relationship in this place because it isn't what I thought it was going to be. And now I am absolutely not interested. Well, the thing about it is, people think disillusionment is like going down. It's worse than fresh love. It isn't. It's actually stronger than fresh love. Now you're seeing the person for who they really are. So it takes some work. In my couples coaching, we actually teach you tools and strategies to get through disillusionment. And if you do get through disillusionment, you go up even higher, which feels like you're going down even lower, but you're going up even higher into the power, conflict, and control stage of a relationship. And this is, again, where if you didn't quit in disillusionment, you're probably quitting in power, conflict, and control. So, you know, whether or not you usually quit in disillusionment or power, conflict, and control, professionally, romantically, even with your friends, but most of the time, people are quitting in one of those two stages. So power, conflict, and control is where you hit drama. That's where there's the victim, persecutor, rescuer, roles that get played out. And this is where, you know, people are turning five years old, repeating their childhood patterns in this relationship, and they're. They're feeling trapped in power, conflict, and control.

Okay.

In power, conflict, and control, I want to be right. I want to win, and I'm, you know, uber defensive in power, conflict, and control. But if you are brave enough to push through disillusionment and power, conflict, and control, you actually have a great deal of substance in your relationship now. You have a pretty rock solid foundation, and it's possible to create processes in your relationships where you can, you know, get through power and conflict and control in a unique way. My husband, he says to me, I'm not looking for trouble. This is one of his little ways that all of a sudden, I'll start cracking up, and I'm diffused almost instantly when he looks at me and he smiles and he says, babe, I'm not looking for trouble. I'm probably not gonna fight back when he does that, you know? And it works so well.

Mental note.

Yeah, and mental note, when dealing with.

Rebecca, just look at her and say, I'm not looking for trouble. Hey.

And then I'm gonna start cracking up. Seriously, for everyone who knows me, it works really, really well. The other thing that works really well, for me is when my husband will say, how can I support you? And you do this with me. Gary's one of my very best friends, and there are times where he'll say, how can I support you? Not trying to fix it for me. But see, when you're in power, conflict and control, the only way through it is for you to know what works for you. And more often than not, I get new clients coming into my office. They don't know what works for them.

Most people don't.

Who has these conversations? Right. So it's going to be.

Apparently we do.

We do. Thank God. So that we don't have to continue ending relationships and power, conflict and control. Because then you just start over and automatically you're going to wind up back where you started.

Okay, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. When it comes to, like, power, conflict and control and getting through the cycle that, you know, that we're, that we're talking about, it's not necessarily something that timeframe. Everyone's different. Like, there are some, I mean, there are, you know, situations where it could be a couple of weeks, it could be a couple months, it could be a couple of years, it could be multiple, multiple years as far as getting through that, through that whole cycle. And that's because every person's different and every situation is different, correct?

Yeah. And these, these cycles repeat themselves.

So after you've gotten through cycles, don't repeat themselves.

Power, conflict and control, you get to unconditional love. Unconditional love is where there's nothing the other person can do to make you love them less. You're in it for the long haul. This doesn't mean that it's always easy, that there are not going to be struggles and heartbreaks and disappointment. But when I'm committed to unconditionally loving this person, person, there's this trust factor, not in the other person, but in the relationship that keeps it alive. So you're going to have fresh love, disillusionment, power, conflict and control. Unconditional love over and over and over. If you've gotten all the way to unconditional love, if you don't get all the way to unconditional love, you'll just go, fresh love, disillusionment, fresh love, disillusionment, fresh love disillusionment, or fresh love, disillusionment, power, conflict and control and back again. Okay, okay. That's how it goes. And you can have all four in one day. You know, I've had that happen, sure.

But it isn't was that in your Vegas days?

Oh, yeah. I had definitely some days of all four in Vegas, that's for sure. But it's all growing and it's all. It's all for your highest good. So, you know, we like to say relationships are the best seminar or personal growth ever that you could possibly sign up for because in relationships you get to see the parts of you that aren't fully developed, the parts of you that maybe you don't like about yourself in the other person. And it's just an awesome opportunity for you to have unconditional love. You know, when you're in that relationship and so many people want it. And what I find really, really sad and is that most people I don't believe ever really experience unconditional love.

I think you're right on that.

And I think it's absolutely tragic because it's so possible for all of us. It's so possible for all of us to have unconditional love. And of course, you've got to have it with yourself before you can have it with other people. But when we're talking about breaking patterns, this is the primary focus of identifying how do I show up when I hit these stages, what are my escape patterns and how do I try some new things so that I can stay in this relationship long term? And relationships, I believe are all, you know, able to be preserved. I talk about, I'm like the art of preserving relationships teacher. Because you can. It isn't easy. It's a lot of work on the front end, but then you get the bliss on the back end. And my husband and I, today is our first anniversary.

Yay.

Happy anniversary. So we're making it through. We're making it through these stages. Really grateful for that.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com what do you have a question about? Email big papa@cny kiss.com and the homework? Yes.

To just write down the stage of relationship that you know you usually quit at. Just identify it, do the work on.

The front end and you can enjoy the back end. That's. That's what Rebecca Silence just said. We're going to break it as a confession Tuesday here on KISS fm.