Confession Tuesday "Can you unfall out of love?" 5/19/15

So good, so good, so good, so good. Are you ready? You good? You okay? All right. Okay. It is a confession Tuesday local life coach. No, it's, it's fine. We're just doing a radio show. It's fine. No worries.

It's all good.

I feel like I'm yelling at you. I feel like I'm yelling at Bannon now.

Why?

What am I doing?

Yeah, no, nothing. Yeah, Rebecca, Rebecca's like, like, she, she gets like zoned in on something and she found, she found something and she's like, oh, I gotta, I gotta get this done before. Oh, we're on the radio.

Good morning.

Oh, geez. Okay. All right, here we go.

She's like, I got things to do.

I got stuff. I got stuff.

I'm a multitasker.

Well, obviously we all are. Oh my gosh.

Yeah, you have to be. In this day and age.

In this day and age, you really have to be. And trying to have quality while you're multitasking sometimes is.

It's an art form.

It really is. Uh huh. It really is.

You have to be able to put one ear over here and the other over here.

What? I'm sorry.

Exactly.

You have to keep one eye open.

Get it?

My second Metallica reference today.

Nice.

You're doing real good.

Bam.

I got to hear Chewbacca. I got to hear Metallica reference.

Yeah.

See, her day is filled.

Yeah.

It's fulfilled.

Yeah. You can go home and go back to bed now. You're done. It's all good.

But I'm excited to get the email. I want to hear what we have.

It is a confession. Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio and she is a life Coach. Inspired results Coach.com. she can do individual stuff, stuff with family stuff with couples, but also corporate stuff as well. If you have an organization, a business, a school, a school group, church, group, doesn't matter what you're looking for, Rebecca can help you with whatever it is.

Absolutely. And in the corporate training, you can look on the website inspiredresultscoach.com, see what's available. But primarily what I'm doing is I'm helping people with communication. I'm helping people learn how to actually be heard and get the team to work with them on creating the goals.

So here's how we, what we do here on a Tuesday morning. All you have to do at any point throughout the week, you can go to cnykiss.com, click at the Confession Tuesday icon, it's on the left hand side. And submit your story. What's going on in your world doesn't matter how mundane you may think it is, because some people like, ah, it's, it's nothing. It's nothing. But at the same time, it's something.

And if it's affecting you, it affects so many other people. And so when you're brave enough to say, you know what, I'm not quite sure why this is bothering me, then you're also opening that door for a lot of other people.

Absolutely. And we handle it here on the air and we do it confidentially. And that's. We've been doing it for a while now and it seems to kind of work. People seem to like it. So. Yeah.

And we love it.

So here we go. You ready?

I am.

Okay.

Yeah.

Dear Rebecca, I'm a 27 year old. I am married and have four children. Basically, I've been in this relationship for 13 years and I want to divorce and just live separate. It's hard for most to wrap their mind around. But I really need to know, am I wrong? I saw a video that says I'm not. Does it make me wrong to say I've fallen out of love with you? Yeah. I'm a dude. LOL.

Okay, so 27, four kids, you've been in the same relationship for 13 years. Are you wrong for wanting more? Of course not. If you think a divorce is going to get you happiness, I would encourage you to maybe take a closer look at that. Sometimes throwing the baby out with the bathwater is not the answer. So I would be encouraging you to look at what. What is it that you're actually wanting for your life? A complete overhaul may not be necessary. And then is it that you think you'll get kind of that grass is greener feel with somebody else? Is there some excitement that you think is missing or is there some big adventure that you're wishing that you had that you don't right now? Maybe you could create this with your current partner. We all fall in and out of love all the time. And I want you to get that that's normal, right? In every relationship, to keep the relationship alive and nurtured and healthy. That takes effort, not hard work necessarily. I don't want people to think relationships are hard, but it does require effort. And so if you're wanting that fresh love, it's a conscious choice every single day. And it's amazing how easily we can slip away from each other. Right. If even just a few days go by and you're disconnected, that disconnect just almost doubles in size by the Second.

Even with, you know, even with the. We were talking about multitasking to start the segment and whatnot, you could still be in the same room together, but be on your separate phones and not communicating and, you know, you're together, but there really isn't.

Well, and it's amazing how impactful that can be.

It's true, though.

There's absolutely. Right. Like, you're used to me coming in and being totally connected to you. I was finishing something up and it was significant. Right. Energetically. And so that happens in our relationships. And a lot of times, like what was just going on with us off the air, it's completely unconscious and unintentional. It's not that you weren't important to me, it's just that this energetic shift actually makes a really big wave in the relationship. And so what I encourage people to do is stay connected. It doesn't mean you have to be giving a part of yourself away to the other person, but it's about treating each other the way you want to be treated and being present. So, no, you're not bad if you want a divorce, but I'm encouraging you to get connected instead of thinking that disconnection may be the answer to whatever it is that you're going through right now.

It seems that. And I've heard this a lot over the years where people, you know, they go through this. They get, you know, they get married, they have a couple kids, and all of a sudden, you know, they wake up and everything's good and they're happy, and all of a sudden they wake up and, oh, my God, I'm married and I have a couple kids, and I don't have the freedom quote unquote, that I. That I didn't have, you know, 10 years ago. And. Oh, I see. You know, so. And so get to go and do. Ah, there's no way I could do that right now because I got, you know, you know, the wife and a couple kids, and all of a sudden it's. Could it also be almost like the yearning for what you don't, you know, what you used to have, but you gave up for what you wanted kind of a thing?

Well, sure. But in this case, it sounds like he never even had it. If he's 27, been in this relationship for 13 years.

Okay.

Right. When did he have the opportunity to have that freedom, get to know himself? And a lot of times we grow up in that relationship we're in and didn't necessarily find ourselves. And so that is, I think, why people want to split after a long time together. But what I'm suggesting is it doesn't have to be either or have to be either the family or the adventure or either the freedom or the relationship. You can have it all. And a lot of times, couples look at me like I'm crazy when I say this, when I have them in my office. But I've worked with countless couples on repairing their relationship and creating it in a way that works for both people so that nobody loses their identity or their freedom. Right. It's easy to talk about, not so easy to do. But what I want you to get is it's possible. So when you're missing that spark, consider that you're not contributing to the spark in the relationship. Don't wait for your partner to be the one to make the magic happen. Be someone who's nurturing that relationship and contributing to the spark. And then if you want more, if you want adventure, if you want something that looks like it is greener, create that because it's possible for you without throwing everything away. Because what will inevitably happen is you're gonna end it with this one. And then you'll recreate the split. Same drama, the same breakdown, and the same crossroads the next time. So what I'm encouraging you to do is do yourself a favor so that you don't have to repeat history. Do your best to be honest about what you're looking for that you don't have now. Find a therapist, find a coach, find a mentor. Figure out what it is in you that that hole is seeming so loud, and then go fill it. But you don't have to throw everything away. You have four kids. If you know you've done everything it takes to make this work. You've tried to. You've given your heart, you've been there creating spark, nurturing the relationship, going for your dreams while you're in the relationship, and it's still dead in the water. That's another conversation. Sure. But where have you even started to make sure you've done whatever it takes to have it all? And we can. I promise, you can have it all.

There are so many people that they'll get into, you know, the funk or get into, like, where this guy is mentally. And they will wait for the other person to do something, you know, just. But the thing is, if you don't communicate that that's what you want.

Yeah. And it's like throwing spaghetti noodles against a wall and hoping that it sticks. And they're never gonna stick.

Right.

It's not the other person's job to fill that hole in you, it's yours. And giving up the relationship is only going to amplify and magnify that hole.

And if you don't communicate that you're feeling that way, they don't know it and help if they don't know.

Right. And then just consider that this is bigger too than you. You have four children and you're probably just doing what you saw your parents do and then your kids are watching you. So if kind of throwing the relationship away and starting fresh is what you think is the only option, that's what you're teaching your kids too, versus teaching them to give it your all. And then if it doesn't work, that's okay. But at least we tried. So consider that you maybe have some things that you haven't tried yet that you can to see if you can make this relationship more fun for you.

Local life coach Rebecca Silence inspiredresultscoach. Com it is a confession Tuesday. Get a break. Come back. Another email coming up next year on KISS fm.