Transcript of a Confession Tuesday show segment (Nov 2013) in which hosts Howard and Amanda (life coach Rebeccah Silence) discuss why people give good advice to others but fail to follow it themselves. Amanda outlines guidelines for giving advice: get permission before offering feedback, avoid rescuing or enabling a victim stance, preface suggestions as "what I would do," ask the person what they think and pledge unconditional support, check whether you're attached to an outcome, and stay unattached to avoid relationship strain. She frames recurring advice requests as lessons for the advisor and assigns homework: list topics you frequently advise on and reflect on the underlying patterns and lessons.
So here's how we roll on a Confession Tuesday. You submit questions, email bigpapacnykips.com and confidentially and freely, we talk about them here on the air. And amazingly enough, it helps everybody. Even if the topic doesn't necessarily reflect something that's going on in your world, a lot of times you can take away a nugget from what we talk about and have it work with your world.
Yeah, I believe we're all connected and that everything affects all of us, no matter what it is.
And she means connected like a. Like in a spiritual kind of like I do kind of thing. Not like, you know, incest is best and.
No, no, no, that is not what I'm talking about. No, I'm talking about spiritually, we're all connected.
Look on your face.
Everything we do affects everyone else, either in a positive way or a negative way.
Your face is like, really, Gary? Really? Did you really Just.
What's our question? Let's go.
All right, so the.
Give it to me.
All right. The question is, how do I get better at listening to the great advice I give to my friends, but don't listen to it for myself?
So I love this question, too.
Yeah, this sounds like me.
Yeah.
It's not my handwriting. It's not? No. This is your handwriting. Yeah, that's not me, but yeah.
So advice.
Do as I say, not as I do well, which.
What a bunch of baloney. So advice.
That's the question, though, right?
Advice. You want to be careful because first of all, do you have permission or are you in a rescue? Okay. If you're doing that thing where you judge someone as not doing a good job with whatever their circumstances, Right. Like, maybe they are like a fish out of at work, and you could see how they could be more successful, or maybe they're in really bad relationships or making really bad parenting choices or whatever the case may be. If it's you seeing them as not winning and it wasn't them telling you, I'm not winning, what do you think? Can you support me? Do you have any ideas if they're not doing that? Hold your tongue.
Right.
Really?
No, no, absolutely.
Because if you don't, you're gonna get kicked. It's gonna blow up in your face. Think about it. Have you ever tried to give someone everything you got? You're trying to be helpful and they get mad at you.
Why? Because they didn't ask for it.
Right. And so what's happening is energetically, you're acting superior. It's like the biggest better than you could do. You're not saying I'm better than you, but energetically, you' right, you go over here, let me handle your life for you, and then I'll let you know when you can come back and take over again.
Right. Okay. So hypothetically, you've been asked for.
So now you have permission.
Now you have permission. Okay, here's my situation. What do you think?
Right.
And so because that's. Because that really does happen. Okay, here's my situation.
Now you have permission. What do you think?
Now you have permission.
So there's a couple of things to understand here. Number one, any feedback that you give is based on your experience. Okay.
Okay.
And what you would want or need in the similar situation. So what you would want and need in what I would want and need in the same situation are probably different.
Okay.
Okay. So be careful even if you have permission that you don't have a victim fishing for you to save them because that'll still get you kicked.
Oh sure.
If a person isn't holding themselves capable because that's the definition of victim where I don't feel like I can handle something, I need to be rescued and saved because I can't figure it out by myself. You gotta be careful of that because you'll still get kicked even if you have permission.
Sure.
Does that make sense?
Yep.
So one of the best lines I like to use in those cases is I would say, well, here's what I would do. I'm not saying whether or not it would be right for you, but here's what I would do in a similar situation. That can be really powerful because a lot of times I see it where I'll have a couple come in, one of them is trying to rescue the other, maybe they even have permission. But then the person took the advice, it blew up. And others blame.
Sure.
Right. So this is what we want to avoid. So you have permission. It's even a good idea to say, are you sure you want to know what I think or do you want me to just listen? These are some great other one liners. And then ultimately it's really important to just say, well, what do you think you should do? I'll support you no matter what. Okay, Put it right back on them. What do you think you should do? And to say, I'm gonna support you either way, that's so beautiful for the relationship that, alright, unconditionally, this person is gonna love me and support me even if I screw up. It's really nice to hear sometimes.
Okay, so the question, the Question now becomes, okay, you get asked for the advice and you, you give the advice in any way, shape or form.
Yeah.
But then you find yourself in a similar situation as your friend, but you're not following the same kind of advice.
Any advice you give is for you 100 of the time.
I'm not disagreeing with that.
So it's about, are you awake to what you're saying or not? Like this person, I like to really look at it as though the people and the experiences in my life, they are actually like plants. So that I learn my experience. It's like the universe is planting this scenario here for me.
Are we talking about chlorophyll?
No, we're not talking about gardening. Not here.
Okay.
But I'm talking about, it's like all of this stuff is orchestrated for my highest growth.
Okay.
That's one way to look at life. That everything I'm going through is meant to serve me in some way. Oh, sure, right.
I'm a firm believer of everything happening for a reason.
Yeah. And even further, it's a lesson for me to grow. Sure. Right. So just recognize that when you're in this situation and you're giving advice. Okay. I must be meant to learn this. And I'll say to my clients a lot of times, thanks for bringing my work to me. I mean, I, every time I'm coaching, I'm looking at that too. Like, what am I saying? Am I living this? Just check in with yourself, you know, and I think that's validating too in a relationship for someone to hear, oh, yeah, like, this person gets it. This person goes through the same thing. So you can own that. It's not like you have to be this all knowing person, but see what they have to say for themselves. And then it's great to say, well, here's what I would do. But I'm not saying it's what you would do. And I'll support you no matter what you decide, you know, and really check in. Are you coming from fear when you're giving advice trying to rescue them, or are you coming from love and empowerment where you're seeing them as capable even if they don't? That's how you can be the best support. Because we all can get through anything.
Sure.
We just forget that sometimes.
You'Re really good. Thanks.
This is an important question.
No, it absolutely is.
This is an important question. And you know, please, for all of those rescuer, advice giver type people. Right. And I used to be the biggest one.
Well, here's the thing. Like, because of you, I'm being sought out as a. As a rescuer, but I'm like Chippendale's Rescue Rangers.
That is so freaking funny. We need to make you a T shirt.
Yeah. Yeah. You and me as Chip and Dale's rescue Rangers.
Oh, my God. That is hilarious, Howard. But see, Howard. Yeah, seriously. Howard and Amanda amp master images. But if you're being sought out and you're unattached, this is the hottest tip I can give anyone around. Giving advice, don't be attached to what they do after the conversation. I think this is where we get in trouble. Oh. I told you what I thought you should do, and then you didn't do it. Now I'm mad at you.
Yep.
Okay. Danger. Danger. Danger. Alert. Alert, alert. Don't do that. You know, be unattached to an outcome. If you're offering advice, drop the agenda for the person, and that's it. Whatever they do, they're gonna do anyway. It's not about you. So be careful. Be really careful when giving advice, because if now you're holding them to following what you said, that's dangerous for the relationship.
Oh, it absolutely is.
It's no good. And they're gonna do what they were gonna do anyway. That's what I think is so important to understand about people. You know, if people are gonna bail and they're not committed and they're gonna walk away, they're just waiting for the right reason or obstacle to present itself so they get to do what they do. Right. If people are going to work with you, they were always gonna work with you. So just know that it's never about you.
Local life coach Rebecca silence. Inspired results. Coach.com. whether it is corporate, whether it is for school events, whether. Whether it be for, you know, relationships, marriage, children. Inspired results. Coach.com. like them on Facebook and the coaching circle tonight. Absolutely. Awesome, as always.
Thank you. Here's a homework assignment. So if you have people asking you for advice around the same type of subjects, write it down. Write down what you're offering advice around, and just look at it and ask, what's this lesson for me? Like, what am I supposed to learn? Because I keep giving advice on the.
Subject, and why is everyone coming to me for that kind of advice?
Right.
What do people see in me?
Right. Sure.
Oh, my.
Just check it out. Check it out. See what the patterns are there and see why you're setting that up. Are you wanting to just be needed? What's. What's the real dynamic underneath it?
Confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca. Silence. Great job, as always.
Thank you, everybody. Have a great week. And thanks again for Confession Tuesday live. You were amazing.
No, no, you were amazing.
It was so much fun.
All right, we're gonna break it back. Big pop in the morning. Kiss fm.
