Confession Tuesday "Control Freak" 7-6-13

It is a confession. Tuesday local life coach Rebecca Silence in studio. Now. You have something coming up. Is it tonight?

Yes.

Okay, what's going on tonight?

So we're doing coaching circles now at my office in Whitesboro and we're doing them Tuesday nights, 7pm to 8pm the office is at 156 Main street in Whitesboro. And this is just $10 at the door. And what a coaching circle is is you're going to be in a group setting and I'm just going to do some guided work. You're going to get some new tools for your toolkit and meet some like minded people at the same time, which is great. So all you have to do is you have to come knowing an issue that you want to address and by the end of the night you're going to have some new stuff. This isn't like a big group share where you're standing up in front of the entire room pouring your heart out about your life. This is individual work in a group setting. And it's really hard to explain, but if you come, you, you're gonna love it. The group last week had an amazing experience and I'm really looking forward to tonight.

So, like, what kind of, what kind of issues? Like what? You know, you said come, you said come to, you know, show up, show up with something. Like what?

Last week we had lots of different issues in the room. People unhappy in their job, people in relationships where they felt like they had to take care of the other person, people in abusive situations, people who had, you know, children who had died and they were working on that. Lots of different stuff. So there's really no limit. It's just whatever you know is the biggest issue in your life, bring it in one. I want you to just focus on one thing at a time.

Again, details on that inspired results. Coach.com and add them on Facebook as well. Just type in inspired results and you will find them as well. Here's what we do. On a confession Tuesday, you email in bigpapnykiss.com and. And local life coach Rebecca Silence and myself will take it on head first for free confidentially. And. And that's how we roll. You ready?

Yes.

Okay, here we go. Dear big Papa and Rebecca, let's talk about control freaks. I openly admit that I am one, but I feel like people don't understand why. I also don't know how to change this. Within myself, being in control helps to alleviate my anxiety that things just won't go right. If things don't go right, then I blame Myself, I also tend to feel responsible for others happiness. I know that this is ridiculous, but I have been like this for so long that I don't know how to change. I know there are lots of others out there like me. Rebecca, can you please explain this in the way that only you can? Thank you.

Thank you, listener. You're mean to yourself. I can already tell. So my first hot tip is quit being so mean and everybody listening. It doesn't get you anywhere. And you're so cute. I love that you're so open about. I'm a control freak. Here's the thing about it. You said something that I want to address right away, and it is that this alleviates your anxiety. Being a control freak alleviates your anxiety. That's one area where I'm going to suggest you're lying to yourself.

Okay.

All right. It never actually alleviates any anxiety to take on things that I have no control over. Right. It just doesn't.

I've never thought of it that way. But you're right.

I mean, let's just get honest. So, you know, for the. For the first segment today, we're focusing on what you have control over. It's not justifying the behaviors of the other people involved. Right. I just always talk about radical responsibility for your situation because that's what you have control over. Right. So let's look at listener, which you actually have control over. And here's where I think that you feel misunderstood. Control freaks, in my experience, have really good intentions.

Sure.

Right. It's all coming from this place of love. But the problem is fear is driving the bus. I love you, but I'm scared for you. So let me be a control freak. It doesn't solve the situation and ends up getting you kicked in the relationship. Because what happens is. Here's the other thing that I want you to see. When I am doing this power play, which is what control freak is, it's this big power play. So automatically I'm coming across like I'm better than you. Every time I take on control freak, Sure. I am portraying myself as superior to the person I'm trying to control.

I got this. I got this. Don't you worry. Yeah.

The way I like to say it is you stand over there, let me take over your life for you, because you're not doing a good job. You know, that's how energetically we come across. Yeah, it really is.

No, you're right.

And it's hard to take that on and see it that way. But see, again, the only way we're going to change the pattern is if we lower the value on it. So I'm just trying to lower the value because this is never going to work. It's always going to cause you a lot of suffering, which is very sad because you're coming from a place of love and you only want the best for the people you care about. You know, I truly believe that about every control freak, and I am absolutely a recovering control freak. This is how I spent the majority of my life. Feeling out of control, trying to control everything else. So what I did is I learned how to use those intentions with different tools that actually work. Now what I do. See, what we want to teach you, Ms. Control Freak, is, is how to be support, okay? That is the opposite of being a control freak who's trying to rescue and will always get kicked. The opposite is support. This is healthy. Support is very healthy. All you gotta do is get permission to be supportive. Right? You can't be supportive if you don't have permission.

Correct.

If you don't have permission, you're just a rescuer. And you're telling this person that they're no good at handling their circumstances. You need to do it for them.

And you may not be, you know, outright saying it, but your. But your actions are coming across that way. Even if you have good intentions, right?

And I talk about it in terms of energy. It's. It's. If somebody's mad at you, it's obvious, right? If somebody is sad or scared or, you know, making themselves smaller when they're around you, they don't have to say anything. You just know, right? Your boss is pissed. You don't have to ask. You're clear. So that's what I'm talking about here. It's the energy. It becomes very evident that you're not holding people capable when you become a control freak, because that's really what it is. So you got to trust that everybody is exactly where they need to be. And I always use the example of when I moved to Vegas with Mr. Las Vegas. I thought, oh, we're gonna get married. It's gonna be so great. He loves me. I'm gonna go to Vegas. And. And he never wanted to have a family. He wanted me. He didn't want to have to be a dad figure. I mean, talk about being in a lie. I was in a total lie. And here was the real truth. I thought, if I can move with him to Vegas, then I can help him become a man and make money and find himself. Guess who got kicked? You oh, my gosh, yes. And I'm really grateful that it all happened. I learned a ton from the experience. But. But who wants to be with somebody who doesn't believe in them?

Exactly.

And if I'm honest, I didn't believe in it and he knew it. And I could say all the right things and do all the right things on paper, but underneath it all, I wasn't holding him capable. And so that wasn't supportive. That was me trying to be a control freak.

So what. What can she do to kind of help herself with it? With the. With her control freakness, if you will.

Right. So. So people are going to do what they're going to do. All my friends that knew I was making this catastrophic decision to move to Vegas, they wouldn't have been able to steer me in any other direction. I was going where I was going. So, number one, understand that people are going to go where they're going to go. They're going to do what they were always going to do, whether you try to shape them up or not. So people don't need to be slapped around and straightened out. They. They've got to do that for themselves because whatever they're doing is exactly what they need at the time.

Right.

I truly believe that. So pay attention to what you have control over. And if you're really like foaming at the mouth and you can't help it, you just want to intervene, make sure you have permission first. Just ask. I'm sensing that you're struggling here. Would you like to know what I think about this? Would you like my help about this? Is there anything I can do? Or. My favorite line is, how can I support you? And then let them tell you, because the rest of it is you basing your needs on the situation instead of going off of what this person might be needing. You're going through your own filter and you're seeing what you would need in the situation and you're trying to give that person what you need versus understanding they're a totally different person. And what they might need. Need is not what you need. Right. So, you know, make sure you've got the permission. And then no matter what happens, let go of the outcome and understand that it's not.

Not your fault.

It has nothing to do with you. Even more than that. Yeah, it has nothing to do with you. It's just what is in this person's experience is what they need. It's that simple. You know, I think we all have opportunities to grow, and everything is a lesson. I wouldn't change any of the experiences I've had because it grew me and the work's never done. So this work isn't to say that once you've done a bunch of coaching and learned some new tools, it's going to be all sunshine and rainbows. It's not. But you're just better equipped to manage your circumstances and to be empowered throughout your circumstances. So right now, you're coming from a place of fear more than love for the person when you feel like you need to control them.

And.

And in my experience, you get a lot of time back and you get a lot more joy when you're only focusing on what you have control. So the truth is, you're not.

Say that again because that is. That is huge.

So when. When you're focusing on what you have control over, you have a lot less stress, in my experience, you know, because it is an uphill battle trying to micromanage everybody else's lives. And so it's a lie that you're alleviating anxiety by being the control freak. You're actually creating more for yourself, and that doesn't have to be the case. So you can let go of a lot of the stress by letting go of what you don't have control over. So that's the homework.

Local life coach Rebecca Silence Confession Tuesday. Inspired results. Coach.com got the coaching circle tonight.

Yeah, we'd love to have you there.

Details online. Inspired results. Coach.com, new blog is up, so make sure you check that out as well. And of course, we do it up every single Tuesday. Thank you so much.

Thank you, everybody. Have a great week.

All right, we're gonna break him back. MCP the morning Kiss fm.