Confession Tuesday "Craigslist Cheating" 12-3-13

Confession Tuesday in progress. Local life coach Rebecca Silence in studio. You have a coaching circle today, right?

We do. We have one this month in December, and it's happening tonight. Coaching circles are from 7 to 8 at the office in Whitesboro. It's 156 Main St. You can get more information online. But basically it's just a group of people getting together kind of doing their own work. I'm going to be talking about how to get unstuck tonight. It's just 10 bucks. You don't have to open up and share your whole life story with anyone. You're just going to get some really cool tools, meet some great people. It's an hour long, 10 bucks just to get you in the mindset of where you're wanting to shift as we move into 2014.

Now, when you say unstuck, give, give, give a couple examples. Because people think, you know, unstuck. They're like, well, I'll just call AAA and that's. I'll be good.

Now when I'm talking about stock and I used to argue with my coach, nobody can get stuck. What do you mean? We can't be stuck. We all have. Oh, has you my name? Ask my husband if I argue. Yeah, I argue. I admit it.

I wish, I wish I could have taken a picture of the look on your face.

My name is Rebecca. Silence. And I do definitely have an opinion and I share it. No, but when I'm first thinking about this concept of being stuck after learning this work, it would really make me mad because I think, well, we all have strategies and tools and we're adults. We're at choice. You can't really be stuck. But what I know is that unconsciously people keep themselves doing the same things over and over, like Groundhog Day. And we can't shift ourselves. You can't coach yourself. Right. That's why we have great therapists, coaches, mentors out there in the world.

Confession Tuesday.

Absolutely. Because you need an outside perspective, in my experience, to really see what you're doing that's keeping you where you are.

Absolutely. Because you're going through your day to day stuff and sometimes you just need that third party to be like, do you see what you're doing? Cause a lot of times you don't because you're in the middle of it.

Why is this valuable? Because what we're doing is always valuable. And that's where I find people really get themselves in that crazy mind chat or not really understanding, wait a minute, I'm doing this. It doesn't seem valuable. But it must be or I wouldn't be doing it.

It is Confession Tuesday if you want to be a part of the story.

That's what we're talking about with details.

Inspired results Coach.

That'll be great. Next year we'll be doing them every Tuesday.

Very cool.

It's going to shift. We'll give you more information in the next couple weeks about that. But this is it for December.

Awesome. And check it out on Facebook as well. Like inspired on on Facebook. Here's what we do on a Confession Tuesday. You go to cny kiss.com you can listen to old segments like if you want to hear the initial segment about the married gentleman who was his girlfriend on the side had just broken up with him. If you want to hear that initial segments from you know that we got the response to earlier that that's up there right now. You can check that out. CNY Kiss.com youm can also tell us your story like this right here and we handle it on the air free and confidentially. Dear Big Poppet and Rebecca, first I just want to tell you that the Tuesday morning show on Kiss is outstanding. Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm having an issue with my boyfriend of two years. Quite a while ago I find out that he had been using Craigslist to post or reply to posts in the casual encounters section. We talked about it and he stated that he needed more in his sex life than mentioned he had a self esteem issue. Mind you, I have been a very giving and loving girlfriend. He also has mentioned quite a few times that he will never get married. He is disabled and cannot work but doesn't clean, cook or do laundry. I do it as well as pay his NYMO bill and my bills. My question is am I wasting my time? I stress about doing everything on my own. I feel as if I'm going and I don't need to be with someone like him. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Thank you for your email. So what if the relationship you're in is exactly the relationship that you need to grow and learn lessons for you to be in a life that you actually love. So what I'm saying is what if this is the perfect relationship for you right now? What I want everybody out there what to think about your current relationship.

Her boyfriend was her boyfriend on Craigslist and she's paying the bills and this is the perfect relationship for her right now.

I said what if? What if? I just want you to consider that possibility.

What?

What if there is something here for you to learn and break through.

Why hasn't she bounced already? I'm sorry.

Because what if she hasn't learned the lesson yet?

Okay?

And see, I want everybody out there to understand other people are gonna do whatever they're gonna do. Does that make them bad?

No.

No. I mean, the guy's just being who he is. You're a choice. Nobody's making you pay any of these bills or do the cleaning or do anything that you're doing.

Right.

You're choosing into it. So instead of doing that blame game and putting it on this person, oh, he's just using me. Which I know you didn't say that, but.

But that's the tone. I mean, you know, the tone is he's taken advantage of me. Da, da, da, da, da. But the fact is she's letting it happen, and she has let it happen for however long.

Right. And so if you weren't upset about it, that would be good to know, because there are people in your situation that might not be upset about. Might be a win for them to have the companionship, to have the relationship, but it doesn't sound like it's a win for you.

No.

So that's on you. That's not on him. And what if this guy's here to teach you something? For example, I've had relationships where I was absolutely 100% responsible for the finances. I was the one supporting the man. I've done this game. I've done it more than once. And it was a great lesson for me in rescuing men. For me. I'm not saying this is you, but I woke up to, what if men don't need to be saved? What if I could be loved even if I'm not saving a man? I had to really look at my belief systems and what roles I was playing so that I could create what I actually want. I learned that women are supposed to save men in my childhood. That's not actually true. Okay, so think about what you've learned based on what you saw and what you're playing out now, and consider the possibility if it's not working for you, it doesn't have to be that way.

You realize that you seem to be giving the way, and I understand that you're looking at it from her point of view, but you're absolutely giving this due to pass. That's what it seems like. I mean, am I? That's how it's coming off.

So what I'm suggesting is he's fine the way he is. That doesn't mean I'm giving anybody a pass. I'm saying maybe this works for him, maybe he wants an open relationship. I don't know. I'm saying what this listener wrote about, uh huh. I want to address what she has control over.

Okay?

And anytime we're trying to change somebody else or going, how could you do this? You're wrong, you're bad. This is not respecting me or whatever blame game, victim story you want to put on this, how's that going to serve anyone? So I want the listener to really consider her options, her choices, and take a look at why she's doing what she's doing without trying to change this person. Because anytime you're in a relationship, if you're not accepting the other person exactly as they are, the relationship is in trouble.

Okay?

The relationship is in trouble. So here's the deal. This is who he is. Doesn't make him bad or good. Is it a relationship I would want to have? No.

And you.

And that's okay.

And at this point, you know exactly what the known commodity is. So now you have the choice to whether you want to stay or bounce or how you handle it from there. Okay?

And see, in my work, I want.

To make sure I clarify that because, because it sounds, because it sounded like it was like, okay, well, all right, you know what I'm saying? I want to make sure that, that.

You know, it is what it is.

Right?

So what more is there to say? This is who he is, this is how he's showing up. Why does that have to be a bad thing? The real question is, is it working for you? Because whatever relationship you're wanting, you deserve. But it's up to you to create that type of relationship. And the only way I know how to do that is communicate what you're wanting, what you're needing. You know, I've got a client who was really on the fence about moving in with her boyfriend. He really wants her to move in and she's got some serious concerns. He has a child and she wants to make sure it's because he loves her, not because he wants like a built in babysitter that she's moving in. She has really legit concerns here and she was brave enough to spell it out exactly what she would need and want for it to be a win for her to move in with him. And he had to think about it and then came back and was like, absolutely, and here's what I need from you. And she just put in her 30 day notice and she's gonna move in with him.

Wow.

But see, that's a different approach. I see so often people just like move in and then now let's talk about what's not working after the fact. It's very reactive. And so I am responsible for either settling for less than what I want and then being resentful about it, or setting really clear boundaries and very clear standards about what I'm looking for.

Okay, so back to the. Back to the email. What should she do? What is. What do you. What?

Yeah.

What's her next step? What is her homework?

So what I want is for you to get grateful about whatever you're learning from this partner. I want you to look at why this is the perfect relationship for you because that's the only way you're gonna outgrow it if it's not serving you. And you also have an opportunity to reinvent it. Because, see, if I'm constantly paying the bills, doing the laundry, not saying anything, just quietly fretting and pouting, why would anything change?

Right?

Why would anything change? I mean, have you even asked him what he's willing to do or not? Have you even said, alright, I'm willing to stay in this relationship, but this is what I need. Are you available for that? I want you to take some leadership. But there's a lesson here for you. Just consider that possibility. And it doesn't mean that the weird things other people do are good or acceptable. It's just about what are you wanting for yourself and are you willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, you know, and back to your statement about, you know, treating people how you want to be treated. Off the air. We were having a conversation and I think that it's important you give yourself what you're looking for in your relationship, you know, in that you give it to your partner. If you're wanting more honesty, if you're wanting more affection, if you're wanting more balance, how are you showing up in those ways? Take it on. Take on giving yourself and giving your relationship what it is you're looking for and then see what happens.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com make sure you like them on Facebook. Make sure you follow Rebecca on Twitter at Rebecca Silence. If you want her to speak, at your function, if you want her to speak and at your place of business, if you would like the two of us to come and have confession Tuesday at your place of business that is absolutely available. Inspired results. Coach.com have a great rest of your week.

Thanks. Thanks, everybody. You have a great week.

All right, we're going to break. Come back Big pop in the morning. Kiss fm, Brett Dalton from Marvel. Agents of SHIELD Coming up.