Confession Tuesday Dealing with Children 8-13-13

It is a confession. Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca. Silence in studio. Good morning.

Good morning.

You are all over the place. I bump into you yesterday. I have. You've been, like, out in, like, Seattle.

And I was in Oregon.

You've been out in Seattle. Seattle once. Seriously? I've. I've never. I've never been to the west Coast.

Okay.

I've never been to the West. So, like. So once I get past, like, I don't know, once I get past, like, Cincinnati, everything else is just, like. It's. It's out there. So as far as I knew, you were in Seattle, you were drinking Starbucks, listening to Pearl Jam, and. And. And then I. And then I see you. And then I see you yesterday at the chiropractor office, of all things. You got tattoos all over you. You're all marked up. It's like you're part of a gang now. I don't even.

I put this great tattoo on my arm. It's temporary, but my sweet husband thought it was real at first.

I mean, it's henna, right? It was like a little henna thing. Yeah.

It says, am I sharing my gifts right now on my arm. It's a great little reminder. It'll come off in a few weeks.

And it says, what, again?

Am I sharing my gifts right now? Just remind me my best self in this moment.

Okay, Maybe.

Maybe not. It's great.

No, no, no. Now, you see, if I were to get that tattooed somewhere, I would.

It would mean something.

It would be something completely different. It would be a completely different area.

Oh, that is hilarious.

And, yeah. All right, so. All right, let's. Okay, let's. Let's reel this in. It is a confession. Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com. and it's all about you making the best decisions for you and kind of taking the blinders off.

That's a great way to put it. What we're doing in coaching that's different from traditional counseling therapy is we're looking at what are your goals and what are you doing to get in your own way of accomplishing them. Right? So I don't think there's anything wrong with anyone. We're just doing the best that we can with the tools that we have. And what I do is I give you some new tools to replace the strategies that. That aren't currently working.

And this is the difference between Rebecca and myself. I think there's something wrong with everybody.

And I know not a thing.

So here's. Here's how this works. You email in big papa@cny kiss.com and we talk about whether it be a specific situation or just a topic in general. And you'd be amazed how much, even if something does you don't think initially would appeal to you or factor into your life, it actually kind of does. So big papa@cnykiss.com I've gotten a couple things, a couple emails about parents dealing with their kids over the summer vacation.

Yeah.

And having to deal with the challenging.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Like mouthiness, challenging, and not really sure how to handle it. And it comes in different ages, too. You know, sometimes it's little kids like 3, 4, sometimes it's like 6, 7, sometimes it's 12, 13, 14. But at the same time, can you handle it the same way depending for.

All the different ages?

For all the different ages, or is there a different way to handle it depending upon the age and depending upon the circumstance and the family dynamic?

Yeah, that's a great question. So I'm going to suggest that the common ingredient when now, all of a sudden, either it's Christmas vacation, it's summer vacation, it's spring break. Those times of the year are where the regular routine is not existing anymore.

Right.

So that's the commonality and the theme. It is possible to create structure in your family. That. That is rock solid. What I do with my family coaching is we set up agreements, not rules, not ground rules, where the parents, you know, are calling the shots and the kids are expected to follow the directions. But agreements where, yes, the parents are still calling the shots, but the kids are part of the conversation.

Okay.

And that can start as early as about 4 or 5 years old. So what you're doing is you're setting up expectations, the kids are agreeing to them, and then you enforce a positive consequence for when things are done, and then there's a negative consequence for when things are not.

But it's all about how you initially kind of bring it to the table.

Absolutely. You got to set it up ahead of time.

Right, Right.

This is what we do in coaching across the board. Whether I'm working, you know, on career with someone or couples were doing repair work in your relationship, we've got to address the issue ahead of time. So, like, the week before school gets out, you can have a conversation with your kids and say, all right, so what are we going to set up for the summer? Create some agreements. Now, if, of course, we didn't do that, there's still lots that you can do. Now we're in the middle of the summer and especially getting closer to the school year. I see escalation with kids all the time. Well, this is.

Well, here's the thing. Like, the camps and all that stuff are done, so there's like two, three weeks where it's, you know, it's limbo palooza right now. So this is. This is a trying time.

And not to mention, there are a lot of kids who are having issues at school, and school gets closer and they get scared to go back, and their behavior escalates.

Okay?

Right. This is very normal. So what I'm going to encourage parents to do is have a conversation with your kids. Just sit down. And one great way to do this is just to say, all right, what do you think's working and what do you think is not working in our family? And then be open to hear what they have to say. They might think some things are working that you think aren't, but it works well for them. Like, for example, if you're not. You have older kids, you're not putting them to bed. They put themselves to bed. Maybe you feel bad about that. And that's something that's working because they have independence. They get to have whatever time they want at night to read or watch TV or whatever, you know? So you never know what is actually working with your kid and what isn't unless you ask them. So my suggestion is to have a conversation to really start looking at, all right? What are you needing from your kids that you're not getting? And find out what they're needing from you that they're not getting.

And make a compromise. Find it. Find something that works for everybody.

Yeah, and I hate the word compromise. I call it agreement, right? Because if I'm compromising, remember the time.

She jumped on me for saying the word compromise? That just happened.

My husband is so funny because he's like, she doesn't compromise at all. She really doesn't.

She makes agreements, but she doesn't compromise.

And I won't. And here's why. Because if I'm comparing compromising, it means that part of me is resentful. That part of me is settling for less than what I actually want. And it's like a lose. It's a lose lose. If even one person in the relationship is losing, right. There's no win there. So I talk about, you know, negotiate. As long as it takes to get to an agreement.

I want you to be my agent, okay? And seriously, I don't compromise professionally.

But professionally, this is big. I have clients doubling their income just Learning this skill set because it is so important to be willing to focus on what you want and commit to it so that you're not caving, you're not caving. And you can negotiate, you can change things around, but at the end of the day, if we're not feeling good about it, it's gonna come back and hurt the relationship later. So this is huge with your kids. You know, if it's not really a win for you to take your kid to gymnastics Monday to swimming, Tuesday to karate on Thursday to horseback riding on Saturday, Change it up, Change it up. My kid knows that she has one sporting or extracurricular activity at a time. That's it. We focus on it, we have a blast. And then when it's done, we can change it. That's what's gonna work. That's what's gonna work. Doesn't mean we don't have fun doing other things. But commitment wise, she gets to do one thing or another. It's either figure skating or hip hop. She's chosen hip hop for the fall. So, you know, it's about the parent being solid about what's gonna work with them. And then you listen long enough to empower your kids and make sure that they're set up to win as well. And that's what we want. You want your kids empowered because if the child. I see it both ways. I see it where the kids are calling all the shots and the parent is just at the effect of their kid. That doesn't work.

No.

And then I see it the opposite to where the parents are calling all the shots, that the kid doesn't have a voice. What I want is. So when your children are in college or in their 20s, they already know how to make their own decisions. They already know what works for them. And they have had a voice. They've had experience having a voice.

There's a. But there's a difference between having a voice and a sense of empowerment.

Right.

And. And a sense of. And I forget.

Entitlement.

Entitlement. Thank you. That's. That's what I was looking for. Because there are so many kids that have this sense of entitlement, the sense of, I deserve it now. I, I. And you know, the parents in the older generation, like, you didn't work for it, you didn't earn it. You know, so how that, I mean, that's a whole. That may be a whole other segment in itself, but that, that seems to be something that a lot of parents have to deal with as well, because a lot of times parents are afraid to say no.

Well, and I'm going to suggest that in the entitlement sense, they're still not using their voice because it's fear based. When I'm entitled, I'm scared. I'm not feeling good about myself. I'm not empowered at all. So what I'm saying is that your kids are in a safe space while they're kids and let them fail. Let them make decisions, get it wrong, learn from it on their own instead of like the parent always saying, what are you doing? Why did you do that? Do it this way. They don't learn anything, right? They just learn not to get in trouble and then they go and they rebel later and learn it in their 20s or their 30s instead of.

And that include. And that involves like bail money and whatnot. And that's, you know, seriously, you know.

Are you gonna bail them out when they're 25 or are you going to create that safe space when they're 13, 14, 15, 16? So the homework is to set up before Friday a conversation with your kids, ask them, what do you think is working? What do you think isn't working? And then share your experience as well with your kids. That's such amazing leadership from the parent to be vulnerable enough and to say, you know what? I want things to be better. That's awesome. It doesn't have to be rock bottom. Our life is falling apart before you make changes. You can make changes anytime you want.

To Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com and email bigpopnykiss.com it is a confession Tuesday. Let us know what you want us to talk about. Give us your experience, give us your story, and we'll take care of it. And we'll do it confidentially and free right here on the radio next here on KISS fm.