Confession Tuesday- Dealing With Mom Divorcing 8-13-13

Confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. Inspired results, coach.com let's try it again. Inspired results, coach.com of course you can add her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter, and of course too tonight you're doing a coaching circle, right?

Yes, I have coaching circles now on Tuesdays from 7 to 8. And it's just a, a little teaser. You're gonna come.

It's the coaching version of Duck Duck Goose. No, it's not.

I don't know about that. But you will get some new tools and strategies and meet like minded people. All you gotta do is come with something that you know you want to work on. And then we also have the radiance seminar coming up September 14th at the Stanley.

Nice.

And Radiance is for women. And what we do is we look at money, body, relationships and life purposes all a day of, you know, intensive implementation of new tools and strategies than just looking at where you are compared to where you want to be. It's not like you have to stand up in front of the whole group and share your whole life story. But you come and you get real honest with yourself about where you are and where you want to go and then learn how to accomplish what you're actually wanting to accomplish. It's amazing work. And Heather Steele flies in from Denver, Colorado, facilitates it with me. If you've been wanting to meet me, I invite you to come and give yourself this gift of the radiant seminar. It's incredible. And we have an early bird special. Between now and the end of August you can go for 250 and then after September, the cost is 300. All the details are online.

Inspired results, coach.com and women who have been a part of Radiance absolutely rave about it and are absolutely the first people to say, when's the next one?

It's amazing.

And, and the first people to be like, okay, I'm in.

Yeah.

So we're. Proof is in the pudding. Yeah, absolutely. So confession Tuesday, you email in bigpapa@cny kiss.com and we handle whatever your situation is here on the radio for free and confidentially. You ready?

Yes.

All right. I'm a 22 year old female going through a lot in my life. My parents split up last year and are currently going through divorce. I need someone to help my mother. I'm not a counselor and in this situation, I think it's best she talks to a professional. She puts a lot of unnecessary stress on me due to her overload of problems and depression. Please help me help her.

Awesome. Thank you very much.

That's a tough situation.

Absolutely. And how often does that happen? You know, I work with couples all the time, and it's very common for relationships to end after 20 years, 25 years, 30 years. I see this a lot.

Sure.

And here's the reason why I think it happens. And it's also a strategy that the listener who wrote the email can use to separate herself from the drama of the parent situation. And it's codependence. Right. Relationships end because people lose their identity. Almost every person I know has codependence on some level in their relationships. It's just the way our society operates that you have the ability to hurt me. I'm gonna suggest nobody can hurt you except yourself. It's your thinking about the situation that creates the struggle.

Say that again.

So nobody can hurt you except yourself. It's your thinking about your situation or the event that is creating the pain and the struggle. It isn't the situation.

You just hit nerves and open some eyes all across central New York. Okay.

Welcome to the rest of your life if you're willing to take that on.

Right.

Seriously. And codependence is optional. We don't know it, because this is how we're programmed.

And.

And the way I talk about codependence is we have, like, a pot. Okay. And you have three different rose bushes planted in the same pot, and they're all killing each other.

Oh, that kind of pot.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Yes, yes, yes.

Okay. We're gardening. Okay, Go ahead.

So we are gardening.

Okay.

There are three separate rose bushes in the pot. One is you, one is the other person, and then one is the relationship.

Okay.

So this can be professionally. This can be your best friend or your neighbor or your children. It doesn't just have to be romantic partners that we can be codependent with. This is where everybody's needy. I need you to be a certain way for me to be. Okay. I need you to complete me. I need you to need me to complete you. This is all very toxic. And when we think that when we're codependent and all the rose bushes are in the same pot, that we're loving each other, you're not. You're killing each other. Right. Because none of the rose bushes can survive. There's no water, light, or, you know, anything that can keep all of those rose bushes alive. When you're all together, all the roots are getting tangled up. It's a mess. So the opposite, what you can do is you can separate and replant all the rose bushes in separate pots. So you need to have your own little pot, your own little rose bush.

Gardening.

Yes. And you're 100% responsible for how that rose bush is taken care of. Right? Right. You're responsible 100%. Not 90, not 50, 100% for your experience and your happiness. Otherwise, like, if you're trying to garden your partner or the other person's rose bush, you get pricked. Right. There's a lot of thorns. It doesn't work gardening. So the other person is in their own pot. They're 100% responsible for their experience.

Right.

So listener, like, you have your own pot. Your mother has her own pot. You're not at all responsible, not even 1% for your mother's experience. But then the relationship, you're 50, 50. So 50% responsible for the relationship. 100% responsible for your 50% of the relationship.

Okay. Well, that. With that being said, and I think that's fantastic, when you have a situation where someone who has been your rock growing up is coming to you and pretty much asking you to be their rock.

Yeah.

That can take an amount, and that's.

The definition of codependent.

That can. Well, when that happens, that can take a mental and an emotional thing. How do you. How can you handle that with. With. With, you know, without.

Without shattering the relationship.

Exactly.

I got it.

Exactly.

So I want people to become their own rock. It is so unfair and unrealistic to put that responsibility on another person. But we're not taught how to be our own rock. Right. That's what's different about this work.

Sure.

That's what the Radiant Seminar accomplishes for women like you. Learn how to stand in your own power, be your own rock, have your own back. So what you're talking about is how do I preserve the relationship? And here's going to be my hottest tip. Don't feed into the victim fishing for a rescue, because you're gonna get kicked if you do. Right. They're asking for your help, but it will bite you later because you can't give them all of the answers. They gotta find out their own answers. So what you can do instead, instead of trying to, like, come up with all of the ways they can help themselves and be saved, you can just love them and you can ask them, how can I support you? You can let them know I love you no matter what. I am here for you. You can ask, what do you think you should do? That's probably the number one tool I could give you. It's just to ask what do you think you should do? I totally believe in you. I know this is temporary. I'm gonna love you through the whole thing. What do you think you should do? I'll support you either way. You, you know, I say that a lot. I say, I'll support you no matter what you do, no matter what you decide. So what do you think you should do? Because a lot of times we fear that if I make the wrong choice, this person isn't going to love me anymore, or this person is going to judge me and criticize me and see me as screwing it up. But if you say to the person, I'm going to love you no matter what you decide, I'm here for you. There's such safe space there. That's unconditional love.

That's what's up. I, I appreciate that.

That's totally love.

That's very cool.

And so I just want to say something briefly about divorce also while we're on the subject, because people look at divorce like it's so bad and awful. My daughter asked me, I had been in a little bit of a tiff with my husband, this is probably a few months ago, and she looked at me with these huge blue eyes and she said, are you gonna divorce Mark like you divorced Daddy? And I looked at her and I said, I don't know. I'm probably not. But I don't know. It's not the end of the world. See, we can get divorced from drama. We can get divorced from codependence, from jobs that were over functioning and underpaid for the word divorce. People get so scared about it. But it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It can mean I'm separating myself from something that didn't work. Why is that not amazing and awesome and great? Right? I can divorce myself from anything that doesn't serve me anytime I want. So it's when you're incomplete with the ending of something that you're not divorced. And I see it all the time. People come to me, they've been divorced, they're not really divorced yet. They haven't divorced themselves from the person or the situation or the job. So they're still suffering. So I just want to point that out that it's possible to get totally divorced and then have a party. This is a good thing.

Oh, sure.

This is an absolutely beautiful experience when you learn how to get all the way divorced, and not just in marriage, but in any area of your life that's no longer serving you. So I'm very clear that if something isn't serving me, I'm going to complete it and move on so that I can create something that now does serve me right. We outgrow all the time jobs. We outgrow where we are, we outgrow homes. We can outgrow relationships. But there's a very delicate line between empowered, I have completed the relationship and I'm triggered and scared and throwing you away.

Yes.

If you're triggered and scared, you're not done with the relationship yet. There's a lot more for you to learn and grow. So I'm very clear. For me, I'll never get divorced and not be excited about it from anything. There's a way to get yourself through that fear, to get yourself through the power, conflict and control so that you can have unconditional love. Maybe the relationship won't look the same as it did. We can redefine it, but we don't ever have to throw people away.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com Two words. Divorce party.

Yes. So listener, here's the homework. Here's the homework. Look at how you can let your mom know no matter what you do, I love you. What do you think you should do? Just keep putting it back on her. Let her know that you're going to love her and support her through it. But this is bigger than you and I think it's very healthy to say that. You know what? This is bigger than me. I have no idea how to handle it. I just want to love you through it.

Inspired results coach.com it is. Local life coach Rebecca Silence on a confession Tuesday. Email bigpopnykiss.com Great job as always.

Thank you.

Got a break. Come back. Big pop in the morning. Kiss fm, Leon Etienne and Rami Lowe. Coming up.