Confession Tuesday "Doesn't Want Kids, But Dating Someone Who Just Had A Baby" 7-6-13

Let's get right to it. It is a confession Tuesday. Local life coach, the very beautiful Rebecca. Silence. Good morning.

Good morning.

All right, so here's how we roll on a Tuesday. For those of you who've never been a part of a confession Tuesday, you email us big papa ny kiss.com you tell us what's going on in your world and we keep you confidential. We keep. We don't tell anybody who you are and we help you with whatever it is that's going on in your life.

Absolutely. And coaching is very different from therapy. This is solution focused. This is about getting you in the driver's seat of your life versus you're in the passenger seat or you're driving blindfolded, which I see a lot of the time. So in coaching, we're talking about diagnosing your patterns, not you as a person. I work with individuals, I work with couples. We do tremendous repair work in relationships. I work with families. And then I also do a lot of very different corporate training. So you can get in touch with me at my website. Inspired results coach.com and we love these emails.

So email big papacynykiss.com this. The first one is long. Okay, it's long. It's a little. It's a. It's very. It's very full of information. So. So bear with me here.

Let's go.

All right, here is email number one. Dear Big Poppin, Rebecca, I met someone I have an amazing connection with. I thought he was my soulmate and now I'm not positive. About four months into our relationship, he told me someone that he was sleeping with at the time he met me was pregnant and refused to have an abortion. He says he didn't want this and didn't ever think it would happen because she already had two kids with no fathers in the picture and specifically stated to him on several occasions that she did not want and couldn't handle any more kids. So he thinks she did it on purpose and kept it because she was jealous of me. This is where it gets complicated. I was specifically and purposely looking for someone with no kids. It was number one on my list of what I needed for a couple reasons. I never liked kids at all growing up and I was just getting out of a long term relationship that had a lot of kid issues, baby mama drama, a lot of extra responsibility on me, etc. I was so unhappy and I just wanted so badly and needed so badly someone with no kids. And I thought I found it. So to get to the point, I stayed with him throughout her pregnancy because he wasn't there for her, instead telling her that he would wait for the DNA test. They were not in a monogamous relationship. They were only having sex. Then she had the baby, he had the test, and it turned out to be his. And he still hasn't been there at all. He says he didn't want that and doesn't feel he should have to be there because of the circumstance. He doesn't want her. BS Drama in parentheses. The contact he has had with her has just been that. Talking crap about me and him being with me and she lives with his baby, needs to do this and that, contacting his family members, asking for things, talking crap, and making up fake Facebook profiles to talk crap. So his reason could be partially genuine. I'm not sure. But if it is, I'm also not sure that's the only reason. Fairly certain it may be because he doesn't want to lose me. All this makes me push him away. I didn't want to be with someone with a baby, and I don't want to be the reason for a child that doesn't have a father around. It was all driving me nuts. The anger and hatred toward her for doing this and him for being so stupid and God for letting this happen when I was so close to finally having what I needed and wanted. I don't know how to accept this and stop feeling angry and blaming him and pushing him away. I really need to either accept it and love him regardless or leave, which is just as hard for me. Everything else in our relationship is good. He has all the qualities I want in a man. Love, trust, committed, funny, extremely good looking. Sex is amazing. FYI, we also live together. I'm really stuck mentally and struggling.

All right, listener, take a deep breath. And everybody out there listening.

That's a. That's a lot to. That's a lot to take in right now.

I'm with you, though. I got it. All right, number one, you say you didn't want to be with somebody with a baby. You chose to be with somebody with a baby. You knew from the beginning. I want you to take responsibility for that. Not only did you know from the beginning, you moved in with the guy knowing that this. There was a baby in the picture. So I want you to consider that you actually want what you're doing more than what you're saying you're wanting if you continue to stay in the situation. So there's some part of you that it sounds like you even have a pattern with this from your previous relationships. That goes to men that have children and issues with that baby's mother. Okay, so this doesn't make you wrong or bad, but let's look at your piece of the situation because you're the common denominator here. And it's so easy to be mad at the baby's mother, it's so easy to be mad at your boyfriend, but they're just being who they are. So I love that at the end of your email you said, oh, I either need to accept or. Or leave. Intellectually, you get that, but let's take it to that physiological level because a lot of times we know better, but we don't necessarily do what we know intellectually.

Right.

So let's.

Hi, I'm Gary.

Hi. Everyone on the planet, right, is guilty of that. You're not alone, myself included. So, you know, another thing you said that I guessing is the real reason why you haven't left yet is you said, I don't want to be the reason for the baby not having a father. You're not that powerful. The guy isn't going to be a dad. He told you that before the baby was even born. This doesn't make him a bad person. My guess, his dad wasn't around. He doesn't have any model of how to be a dad. And the fact of the matter is it doesn't matter what his reasons are. He's consistent. He's been consistent from day one telling you his take on the situation. I'm not quite sure what all of the fake Facebooks and all that was about. I don't know if it was the baby's mother or your ex that's doing the weird Facebooking, but I want you to consider a couple of things. People are who they are. In coaching even, we're not changing people. What we're doing is we're working on coping skills and strategies. So if people are going to change their strategies, it has to be because they want to.

Right?

Right. Not because they're doing it for somebody else. It always goes back to the default. In my experience, if I'm trying to change for somebody else and it just isn't true that people need to change. Right. So if you're wanting the other people to change and then you're going to be okay, just know that's fear based. It's the definition of drama. And you're the one getting yourself into the hamster wheel. You're going to exhaust yourself because your circumstances, you know, they're, they're not all on you. And this Baby, for whatever reason, you know, this. This is that baby's experience. We don't necessarily. Some people believe we pick our parents, but, you know, we're definitely not in control once we're born in terms of who our parents are, what they're doing, and the boot camp that is our childhood. So for whatever reason, I would suggest this baby's experience is perfect for that baby. Just like, you know, my childhood was perfect for me. Your childhood, Gary, was perfect for you. I believe that. I believe that for all of us, that our childhoods are absolutely what we need and to become the person that we're going to be and to find our life purpose. I think our childhoods are absolutely the perfect boot camp, every single one of us.

All right, so what's, you know, it's. There's a lot going on here, and. And she. It seems like she's. Like you said, it's okay. Should I put up with it and go, or should I just. Should I accept it and. And stay with it or should I go? And I don't know if that's a. If that's a, you know, a decision that, you know, we can come up with right here, right now. But what, you know, is there something that she can do to kind of.

Help, you know, she already knows what she wants to do.

Okay.

She already knows what she wants to do. She's doing it. So what's gonna have to happen? If you really know that this isn't in your highest good to stay in the relationship, then the value needs to be lowered on why you're in it. And I want to repeat back another part of the email, what I heard you say. So you were saying, everything else is great. Everything else is so good. Sex is great, he's hot, we have a lot of fun together, but he's not a dad to his kid. He's got this ex in the picture who's all over us. He's absolutely not going to change that situation, how he's showing up. But sex is great. I mean, I'm not picking on you, but I want you to look at what you're saying. I mean, you can have exactly what it is that you're looking for. If you want a relationship where there are no children involved, here's what you do. The next time you find a guy and there's a kid involved, you say, oh, that's a deal breaker for me. You're awesome. I hope we can be friends, or just know that you really do want a relationship where there's a Guy and a kid and a bunch of drama. I don't know, it might make you. And again, I'm not picking on you.

But that seems to be the pattern with this email, right?

So, see, there's something in your pattern that is there for you as a lesson. I'm not sure what it is. I don't know how this relates back to your childhood. I don't know what the payoff or the benefit is for you being in this pattern, but there is one. That's what I want you to get first and foremost. And that you don't do anything none of us do. Everybody listening. Whatever you're doing, you get a payoff and there's a benefit from it, or you just wouldn't be doing it. It's that simple. And the payoffs don't have to make sense. They don't have to make sense. On paper, I could be doing this so that I feel needed. I could be doing this because I feel guilty and I have to make up for something. You know, there's all kinds of different weird payoffs. But the fact is, whatever you're doing, there is a payoff or you wouldn't be doing it.

All right, what kind of homework can we do here?

All right, so your homework to make a list of where you are lying to yourself. That is the homework.

Wow.

For everybody out there listening, you want to get through this? I'm gonna give you some hard homework that's gonna change your life.

Right?

Everybody out there. You're in lies with yourself. You're not alone. I am too. I'm sure. You know, if I. If I really think about it, so this isn't to make you bad or wrong, but if you want to change your life, let's look at where you're in a lie.

If you want real results, you have to take a hard, good look at the blunt, honest truth.

Absolutely. And so here's my experience, and you don't have to believe me. You can check it out for yourself. If I'm experiencing other people lying to me, I have to be in a lie with myself or I wouldn't experience being lied to. Here's the deal. I'm going to suggest that this guy, your boyfriend, he isn't lying to you. He's just doing the best he can with the tools he has. So for you, if you're experiencing being lied to, I want you to look at where you're lying to yourself. Because like attracts this guy is the perfect partner for you somehow. To teach you a great lesson in your life. I'm not quite sure what it is yet. Let us know when you figure it out. But for now, make a list of where you're in a lie with yourself and let's start addressing those issues one at a time. And I'm going to suggest you can't do that on your own. So call me, call another coach therapist. But let's get you real so that you can have the experience and the life that you want.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com like them on Facebook and and the email address bigpapny kiss.com it is a confession Tuesday.

Thank you so much for that courageous email.

Wow. Wow, that's wow. I wish there was like some Southern comfort here or something. I could use a shot after that one. All right, so more of your emails coming up next year with local life coach Rebecca Silence here at a Confession Tuesday on KISS FM.