Confession Tuesday "Domestic Violence" 10/20/15

It is a confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca silence is in studio. Good morning.

Good morning.

Okay, so talk to me number one, before we get into the confession Tuesday stuff, how did you had surgery last week?

I did.

How did everything go?

I'm asking. I am doing phenomenally well. Last week was the final scheduled surgery. So that was my seventh surgery this year.

Oh, that's all. And you know, whatever. Just seven, seven surgeries in a year. And look at the smile on that woman's face.

We were talking earlier. I am cancer in terms of right now. Yes. It'll make me cry. There's no evidence of any disease in my body and I made the absolute right decision by stopping the chemo treatments. They were making me sicker than any chance of improving my health and the doctors last week validated that they would have taken me off of it anyway. The surgeries are done and now I feel like I don't have any big scary surgeries or chemo treatments or events that are looming in my future. I feel like at this point the cancer is almost abandoned dream. And I can't tell you how grateful I am for the experience, how much I learned from it, how much I've grown, how tight my husband and I are now. And I am just enjoying every day feeling healthy and it's a wonderful thing to be back to work and back on the air and everyone out there who supported me. I can't thank you enough.

Congratulations.

Yes, absolutely.

I mean that's first and foremost. And at this point now it's just you have to get checked on, you know, you have to get checked on the regular basis. Right.

It's a 10 year follow up for me because the cancer was so aggressive. Three months I'll be driving out to Roswell park in Buffalo and getting checked and I will definitely keep those appointments and stay on top of things. But I feel so healthy and every day I'm getting stronger.

Good. You look amazing.

Thank you. You know, there will be some physical therapy and things like that that I do have to follow up with as well. But I can't tell you how amazing it feels to be back and to feel like I have my life back.

Well, I've known you for the majority of my life and I've always known that you are a very, very strong woman. And you know, you're mental strength absolutely has helped your physical strength and, and your mental strength has absolutely helped everyone here in central New York. So with that being said, and this actually parlays to what I wanted to talk about today, it is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. You know, obviously we've, there's been a lot of attention about, about breast cancer awareness, which is the same month, but domestic violence is absolutely it. You know, unfortunately there are that hit home right here in Central New York that made national headlines and it's, unfortunately, it's more common than most people let on because people are embarrassed and scared and whatnot. And I'm not telling tales out of school. You've said yourself that you have been a victim in the past. So I mean, if someone is listening right now at this point, I think it's, it's sad that some people may not even realize that they are a victim because, because, because it's day to day life for them. So what I want to do is I want to start with what some of the warning signs are. Let's, let's start like, let's do some basics. What are some of the warning signs? And from that point, how can you empower yourself? How can you face that fear? Because a lot of times the majority of cases don't get reported or, you know, they don't follow through or don't even go to talk somebody because of that fear. How can you face that fear? So, but let's start with warning signs.

Yeah, and you're right. My first marriage, I was in a domestic violence situation. And you know, first of all, I just want to say that there's nothing that you can't survive. Whoever you are listening right now, there is nothing that you can't survive. And it's up to you if you want to create a new normal for yourself. Warning signs of domestic violence are very, you know, slippery at first. If someone is starting just by insulting you and putting you down, I want you to pay attention to that. My 10 year old came home last week telling me about a boy who said some things that actually were pretty mean. And we had a pretty serious conversation about it, right? If someone's being mean to you and putting you down, that is not your fault. And if you tolerate it, that's where you're responsible, right? So them calling you out, calling you names, putting you down, trying to make you feel small, that's not your business. But if you're sticking around for more, hoping that it's gonna change, then things can progress to a violent situation. So it starts out with just the little mean, nasty comments or even the shunning behavior where I'm gonna punish you into submission. Those types of things are not healthy and deserves it. But again, if you're Tolerating it, guaranteed it's going to escalate. So after the little nasty comments and behaviors like that, then it's going to escalate. People are going to try to see how far they can push you. And if you're dependent on the other person, financially, emotionally, even sexually, you may be willing to put up with some of this for longer because you're afraid of taking on financial independence by yourself or being alone. I want you to be more committed to you loving yourself than feeling like you need to be taken care of. And that's where a lot of this starts, where one person feels like they need the other one to take care of them, so they accept a lot of this behavior, and it gets worse and worse and worse. And then there may be, you know, a dish thrown in your direction, and then it might eventually turn into a slap. But keep in mind that domestic violence is not just physical.

Right?

It's not just physical. And I think a lot of people associate domestic violence with physical abuse. It can also be sexual, right? Where maybe you feel like just because you're together, you're supposed to participate in some of that activity. You don't ever have to participate if you're not interested. You're at choice. I don't care if you're married. I don't care if you've been together 25 years. It can also be sexual. It can also be emotional, where it's just constant emotional beating of the other person down. And then just consider the possibility that before.

Before you. Before you move on. I'm glad you brought up the emot thing, because I think that's the one. You know, if. If there is. If someone is. If someone is physical with someone, that's a definite. He hit me, she hit me. Okay, that's, you know. And by the way, domestic violence goes both ways.

Oh, it does.

It absolutely goes both ways.

That's what I was just gonna get into.

But with the emotional stuff, you know, if there's a physical, there's a, you know, there's an act, you know, there's. There's. There's contact in some way, shape or form. The sexual. You. We know what that is. But the emotional, I think has that. That gray area where some people may not know. Is it, Is it not? So can we get into that a little bit?

Absolutely. So emotional and mental abuse. Okay. I would encourage everyone out there to Google it. Just Google mental abuse and see what comes up. But I'll just say from my experience, what the signs of mental abuse are. It's when someone is emotionally beating you up, calling you names, putting you down, saying things like, you're never gonna do better than me. You need me. Who do you think you are? Even all of that is the beginning to mental abuse. If they're threatening you in any way with their words, and you know when it feels like a gut punch, you know when it feels like a slap across your face, even if it's just words, I want you to pay attention to that. And again, why are you tolerating it? I don't care who you are. I don't care what you've ever done. I don't care if you for got to pay a bill or if you didn't follow through on something you said you would, you don't deserve to be called names or threatened in any way, shape, or form.

So now that we've kind of, you know, laid the, you know, laid the groundwork, okay, this is what this is. I guarantee that there are some people listening right now where it's. Oh, my gosh, like, all of a sudden, it's coming to realization. When they finally come, when someone finally has the courage, and it does take courage and it does take strength to go and do something, where do they go? What do they do? Who can they talk to?

Mm. So if you even have a suspicion that you're in a situation where there's emotional or mental abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, it's a domestic violence situation. I do want you to reach out to someone. I want you to at least contact people who are closest to you in your inner circle. There's also very good therapists in this community, coaches like myself. There are opportunities with the YWCA where they will actually give you a place to stay. They will actually hook you up with some free resources.

So this community, they'll be your advocate legally as well?

Absolutely. Absolutely. And if something is happening in the moment, I don't want you to be afraid to call the police. Don't be afraid to give this situation a voice. If you won't speak up and stand up for yourself, the situation will only get worse. And so you don't have to believe me. Check that out for yourself. But if you're not willing to do something about this, then you're giving this person permission to continue the abuse cycle. And you have a responsibility to yourself to own your own worth, and especially if there's kids involved. The thing about domestic violence is I can almost guarantee that people who are in domestic violence situations were in households as children where there was a domestic violence situation. They saw it. It was normal in their childhood. They're repeating history, and the cycle continues, generation after generation, until someone's brave enough to say, hey, nobody in my family system deserves to be abused. I'm going to stop with me.

If what I. What I was about to say is, especially if there are children involved, you know, you're teaching them what is acceptable, you know, for them in their future. So if you don't want that for your children, take a stand now.

Yeah. And even if your motivation is your children in the beginning, I give you just so much credit. That's brave. When I first started the work, it was because I was in a domestic violence situation, and I didn't want that to ever repeat for my daughter. I wanted something more for her. I didn't know how to create more, but I found coaches. I did a lot of personal growth work in seminars, and, you know, it was two years of coaching every single week with my coach until I felt like, all right, I will never accept being treated with disrespect ever again.

Local life coach Rebecca silence. Inspired results. Coach.com the YWCA, they have a hotline 24 7. And also tonight is their Take Back the Night event at City hall in Utica. And details on that. You can check out their Facebook pages.

It's about creating a new normal for yourself. You use the word acceptable. For me, it's about. It's just so normal that I don't even imagine life could be different. And I want everyone out there to just consider the possibility that you're in charge of your normal and you can raise the bar for yourself. And this person is only doing the best they can based on what they saw. Who's the abuser? They're not necessarily trying to hurt you. They don't know another way to be in relationship. So if you want a different experience in relationship, take a stand, reach out, get help, and create a new normal for yourself.

It is Confession Tuesday here on KISS fm. Local life coach Rebecca Silence. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

We'll see you next week.

Yeah. Thank you.

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