Confession Tuesday "Getting Back Together After A Break" 12-10-13

It is a confession Tuesday. Local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. Inspired results. Coach.com is the website if you want to start setting stuff up for first quarter next year. Yeah, that was me talking business lingo right there. If you want to start setting stuff up for first quarter next year, whether it be team building or morale building or, you know, to kick off some sort of a big push or a big, you know, marketing plan or something. And you want Rebecca and myself to come in, you can absolutely do so. And we'll bring confession Tuesday live to your business, which is, you know, I'll tell you what, to get everyone on the same page, having you go in and just kind of silence them, if you will.

I love that what we do is give new communication skills that allow people to actually communicate well and effectively increase productivity. And the thing I like about confession Tuesday live in a corporate setting is that they can keep their questions anonymous and we can address what's really going on underneath the surface, you know, And I think that the bar can always.

Be raised and the details online. Inspired results coach.com all right, go to cnykiss.com Click on confession Tuesday and you can tell us your story and we handle it here on the air anonymously. Are you ready?

Yes.

All right. Dear Big Pappa and Rebecca, I have been with my boyfriend for about three years now. We had a great relationship until this past summer. He went through a phase where all he wanted to do was go out. I let him go because I trusted him. After the summer was over, I learned that he was texting another girl, so we broke up. I decided to give it another try. We have been really good and he's been trying his hardest to make me feel appreciated and loved. But then I heard that he hung out with another girl while we were broken up. We were only broken up for two weeks and it was because he lied to me. It's like he went girl crazy. I heard he was hitting on a bunch of random girls, and the fact that he did hang out with another girl is what is killing me. I'm trying to forget it and let it go because I do love him and he's been going above and beyond to show that he is sorry and that he wants to be with me. But I feel like I'm setting myself up. Half of me feels like he wants other girls and I'm just being an idiot. Could it be that he went through a phase or that he truly does want other girls? And how do I learn to trust him again? But most importantly, how Do I forget it and look at him the way I did before he did this to our relationship.

Thank you so much. What a great email. Couple of things that I want to confront right away. The first one is that you made a comment that you let him kind of go out and do his own thing over the summer and party more. Now this gets slippery because how do you let anybody do anything? When we're adults in relationships, everybody's at choice. So this idea that somebody needs my permission is going to be something my partner is eventually going to resent. Right. If they need my permission to do anything, that's going to become a barrier in the relationship.

Sure.

And if I need your permission to do something, eventually I'm going to resent you. So we don't want to say, set that up. It's codependent, which when I say codependent, I'm talking about how I become dependent. I become needy for things to be a certain way for me to be okay. My happiness depends on the other person. And then that would mean my suffering also depends on the other person and vice versa. So that gets real, real messy, you know. The next thing is that you know your partner, just like any person, they're gonna do what they're going to do. They're going to have to find a way to get their needs met. So what you have control over is showing up in a way that you are proud of and really being careful about the decisions you make before you make them. I want you to start really thinking about the decisions you make before you make them.

Now explain what you mean by that.

So what I mean by that. I have this little it's called how to make decisions on purpose formula that I've created.

Okay.

And what that looks like is really thinking about. Check this out. Because it is so important. People make decisions all the time, and then they have to deal with the effect later.

Oh, sure.

Instead of being totally on top of it, proactively prepared for what's gonna happen ahead of time. Now, we can't predict the future, but you could think through things.

You can make educated guesses, and then.

You won't be blindsided or surprised. So the how to make decisions purpose formula is, number one, know what it is that you want. So if you're wanting more freedom in your relationship or you're wanting better communication in your relationship, that's specific. You know what it is that you're looking for? Step two is know why you want it. And this step gets left out. Oh, I think if I let him Go and party all summer. Then he's going to realize what a good thing he has. I don't know if that's a very solid why. Is that really going to get you closer to what you want? No. So what you're really wanting is freedom and trust in the relationship. Why do you want that? So that the relationship can last. See the difference. Next after you know what you want and why you want it. This step is huge. Look for the potential obstacles ahead of time. What could happen? He could meet somebody else. He could decide, actually, I don't want to be in this relationship. You could decide, mmm, I don't really miss him. These are real potential obstacles. We don't have as much quality time together. We start growing apart. So what I'm saying is not to be fear based, but to get honest about what might happen so that now I can create solutions. So if I notice we're starting to get farther apart and maybe we set up a night where we each go out on our own and then a night where we have a date every week so that we stay connected, you, you start looking for those solutions along with the obstacles then.

And every couple is different, you know what I'm saying? And every couple is different.

You know, every relationship, it's like a snowflake. You gotta design it because it's definitely different. Every single one is gonna be totally unique.

Okay. So that was, you know, that stuff. If she could rewind, you know, that would be a great way to kind of handle the situation. If she rewound and played out the.

Entire summary and moving forward. Right.

Okay, so that's, this is where I'm at.

Decisions that you're gonna make right now.

Okay. Cause this is, you know, she's at the situation now. Where should she go at this point?

So the last step of the how to make decisions on purpose formula is to just visualize things going the way you actually want it to go. And you can't control other people. And do you really want a relationship where you have to convince the other person to be with you?

Exactly.

How attractive does that sound?

If you, if you've. I, I come from a firm, understand, you know, from a confirmed feeling that if I have to feel like I'm selling myself and I have to convince you to spend time with me, I have to convince you to hang out with me. There's something.

No, right?

No, I'm better than that. So you know what?

Relationships, while of course power, conflict and control.

I'm not a used car.

Right.

I mean, granted, I Have lots of mileage, and I'm out of the warranty, but I'm. Yeah, don't say y.

So I'm not saying that, yes, you're a used car. I'm saying that it's so important.

I got the rust proofing.

Don't settle and try to beg somebody to be with you. You know, power, conflict, and control and avoiding getting through that is one thing, and then outgrowing a relationship that no longer serves you is another. So it's important. And you're the only one that knows where you are. And what I know is that when I've really outgrown something, I'm clear. I'm not triggered or in drama about an ending. It's this sense of inner peace, and it's just over.

Right?

It's complete. So if you're not there, there's still work for you to do. But, you know, you. You broke up, so that's on you. When we're broken up, people are free to do what they want. So anything that happened during that time, you know, if I'm playing it off, like, ugh, you have to be a certain way, the relationship's gonna end eventually anyway, because nobody can be successful at meeting other one's criteria.

Right. Especially. Especially when they're not even in.

Right. Especially when they're broken up.

Yeah.

Now I'm free. So, again, that's why I said think about the how to make decisions on purpose formula ahead of time. Because if you're saying, let's break up and you don't set it up, that we're still committed to each other on this break, anything goes.

Right?

So that's. That's part of why I was bringing that up. And I guess the most important thing for you right now is to think about.

And honestly, for some people, that's like letting a dog, you know, an outside dog loose out in the yard. You know, all the. You know, it's like that person, but.

That person wasn't ready for a commitment anyway, then I'm. And good to know.

I'm not disagreeing or agreeing. I'm just saying that that's. You know, that's what happens with some people.

But that's good information to have, right? And it'll show you or not you've outgrown the relationship. And maybe it's you. Maybe you've been the one committed, and now all of a sudden, you feel like, oh, my gosh, the cage door is open. The world's my playground. Well, good for you. It's not good or bad. It's just important for you to look at where you are. And now for you listener. You know, I don't think you can ever forget what happened, but you can learn from it and you can become at peace and confident around why this happened. Get the lesson so it doesn't happen again or you can blame everybody else and make sure that you keep getting the same lessons because they will come up until you deal with them and heal them. So I don't think it's about forgetting. I think it's about you taking responsibility for your part in this and really looking at what you're wanting out of your relationship and not settling for less.

Local Life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com, confession Tuesday. Awesome stuff as always.

Yeah. And this applies over the holidays to everyone. Really look at what, what are you wanting out of your relationships over the holidays as you go into the new year? If you don't have that list of what your standards are written, go write it. And those standards are the things that are non negotiable that you know what, this is just what I want to have. I want a partner who's got the same education as me or I've got a partner who also wants children or has the same values as I do. Set it up or how are you going to create it?

Go to cnykiss. Com. Tell us your story next week. The last confession Tuesday of the year. Yeah. So get your story in. Local Life Coach Rebecca Silence. We're going to break them back. Big pop in the morning. Kiss fm.