A listener asks how to move on after leaving a manipulative, narcissistic partner. Life coach Rebeccah Silence explains that such behavior often reflects learned childhood patterns, and suggests identifying who the partner represents from your past, taking responsibility for your half, and reframing the ex as a teacher.
In studio right now From Inspired Results Coach.com Local Life Coach Rebecca Silence. Good morning.
Good morning.
It's a confession Tuesday. And here's how we roll on a Tuesday. All right, you email us in, you go to cnykiss.com you click on confession Tuesday on the left hand side and tell us your story. And it could be as simple as one simple question or it could be a full involved story. Both are, you know, it's not. It doesn't have to be the end of the world to seek out help.
Yeah. Let us know what's going on with you because chances are so many other people are experiencing the same thing. And what we'll do is we'll just break it down and give you some strategies and ideas of how you can get yourself through it.
Absolutely. And if on the radio isn't necessarily how you want to do it, even though we do keep everything confidential, we've been doing this way too long to not, um. If you want to be a part of something, there's something going on tonight.
Yes. We have coaching circles every Tuesday at the office in Whitesboro from 7 to 8pm It's 25 bucks. And you get to work with me in a group setting. Get some great tools and strategies there as well. I'd love to have you.
Absolutely. So go to cnykiss.com confession Tuesday. Of course you can like confession Tuesday on. On Facebook. Go to inspiredresultscoach.com all those details. All right, so let's get to. Let's get to question number one. All right. Dear big papa and Rebecca, I just got out of a relationship with a very manipulative, narcissistic person. I can't get over it. What do I do?
This is a great question. So the first part of this is dealing with the narcissistic and manipulative person. The second part is the idea that you can't get over it. Okay, so let's start with the first part. So narcissistic and manipulative. When I hear those words, what I think of is somebody who believes that force is the only way to have power.
Okay.
Now I'm going to suggest that's not true. But of course we see that, right? We see those bulldozer type people who use force to get their way.
It's my way or the highway.
They're really, really aggressive. And I want you to think about that's learned behavior. Right. A baby isn't born knowing how to impose their will on others and try to force things to go their way. This is something that person watched and learned. So it doesn't make the behavior good or acceptable, but it is innocent. Right? Until somebody would actually wake up to the fact that this strategy doesn't work for them. It's innocent at the time. So when I've got someone in my life that's showing up this way or. Anyway, what I want you to think about is this is a perfect teacher for you in some regard, because my hunch is they're gonna be reminding you of someone who was forceful from your childhood.
Okay?
Right. Maybe one of your parents was narcissistic and manipulative, not making them a bad person. But we recreate as adults similar people, places, and things to what we experienced as children until we heal it. So I'm just wondering who this person represents from your childhood. And what I want to suggest is that if you can figure that out and deal with whatever frustration you had with that individual from childhood, then you won't keep recreating that same type of partner in your adult life. Right? So the narcissist, the person who's manipulative, what if they're just crying out for love, trying to get their way the only way they know how? Right? And then you get to decide, do I want to keep playing with that type of person?
And that's. And that's the. And that's the thing. You know, it says, I just got out of a relationship with a very manipulative, narcissistic person. So the question is, you know, and obviously it's tough to tell from the email, right? But, you know, is it the same type of person over and over and over again?
Right?
Or is it. There's something about that particular person that keeps drawing them back, you know what I'm saying? Because, you know, people are a creature of habit, and they end up with people with the same kind of attributes or whatever, or there is that one person that they just can't seem to.
Get rid of, and that person represents someone, is what I'm saying. And until you figure out who that is, you'll have. Maybe it'll switch from the romantic relationship to now it's your boss or now it's your best friend. But the dynamic doesn't go away until you get whatever lesson this person is meant to teach you. Okay, so when you say, I can't get over it, what I'm suggesting is you're asking for the same type of experience again, because, of course you could get over it.
Okay?
Maybe you need some additional support or tools to figure out How. But the first thing I want you to understand here is we're always at choice, right? So you don't have to stay in a relationship that doesn't feel right for you. You don't have to stay in a workplace that doesn't feel right for you. I encourage you to leave any relationship from a confident, empowered place. Not from a big dramatic blow up. But what I want you to think about is you can choose in or out of anything that's going on in your life.
Okay, so let me ask you this. It seems like they are done, but they're trying to move on. And we're talking about like, you know, seeing the pattern and addressing it. How do you kind of pinpoint where that is? Like, yeah, what's a good way to like, take a step back and, you know, realize where that's coming from? From your past. If that's, if that's what it is.
Well, so realizing where it's coming from in your past is just thinking about, so who's this person reminding me of? Like, where's the first time I experienced narcissism or manipulation or that force? Okay, but what I want to get back to is this idea of I can't end the relationship. Because what I'm suggesting is whatever you're doing is what you're committed to, okay? So if you're committed to hanging on, you won't be able to punish this person. You won't be able to teach them anything. It's up to them to decide whether or not their strategies work. So you're responsible for your half of this. And if you're saying, I can't get over it, what does that make you committed to? Is that making you committed to getting through to the next phase of your life or to staying stuck in this purgatory type place? So I just want you to get your choice. And of course you can get through anything that you actually want to. It's just about making it valuable to let this one go. So. So that now you can have room for something new to come through.
That seems to be the hardest part is being like, okay, when do you, you know, you talked about making the choice and leaving being empowered, not not having it be a blowout and being a screw you, no, screw you to and slamming doors and da, da, da.
And then recreating it again with somebody else, right?
So how do you go to. And maybe this is a whole other. Maybe it's a whole other segment, but how do you get to that place where you feel empowered and confident to walk away from a relationship, right?
So think about why this is no serving you, and own that instead of making it about the other person. Think about your half of this experience, why this is no longer serving you, and own that, and then think about what you're wanting instead and focus on that goal. Because with this past relationship in the door again, nothing else can come through, right?
Absolutely. It is. InspiredResultsCoach.com local life coach Rebecca Silence in Studio what's going on in your world? Go to cnykiss.com and in fact, if you go to the Facebook page or the Twitter for the radio station, there's a link right there right now and you can tell us your story and let us know what's going on.
And so the homework here is to really think about why this person is the perfect teacher for you and look at how this experience is making you stronger, smarter, more resourceful and gets you closer to your goals.
It is Confession Tuesday with Big Pop in the Morning on Kiss FM with inspired results. Coach.com.
