Confession Tuesday "Handling Kids with Divorce" 11-19-13

Right now, Confession Tuesday. I'm all over the place right now. It happens. It happens. Local live goods. Rebecca Silence is in studio. And now we do the thing here on the radio every single Tuesday. But you are all over the place. You know, you're talking to businesses, you are talking, you know, you're doing like corporate trainings, you're, you're doing private sessions, you're doing school talks. You really are all over the place. And, and if people want to have you come speak at their office or come speak to their employees or at a convention, how do they do that?

Yeah, just get in touch with me through the website inspiredresultscoach.com I do a lot around communication, how to deal with difficult people in the workplace. I do a lot on conflict resolution. And in the schools, I'm doing assertiveness training where we teach the difference between passive aggressive and assertive communication. So if any of that is something you're interested in or if you have even a different topic that you're interested in, just message me from the website. I absolutely would love to come in and see you.

And the website is inspired results coach.com and I'm still getting great feedback from Confession Tuesday live.

Oh, I know we're gonna do it again soon.

I can't wait.

Yeah, me too.

All right, so the email is.

And we can do confession Tuesday live in a corporate setting as well.

Oh, that'd be fun.

You know, because your employees, that would actually be really fun employees, they have questions, they have issues that they might not feel comfortable addressing out loud that in fact that affect the entire office. Oh, sure. So something else to consider.

Absolutely. Again, inspired results Coach.com. you ever have a sneeze on the tip of your nose and it feels like it's gonna happen and you feel it coming and it's just kind of sitting there waiting.

Bless you in the future.

Ye. That's, that's me right now. So at some point there's gonna be a loud sneeze and I'm just brace for it.

Okay?

Okay. All right. All right. So here, here's how it works. You email us big papa@cny kiss.com and we handle it. You get life coached for free and confidentially here on the radio. Alright. Dear Big Papa and Rebecca, after going through an abusive relationship and in the middle of a divorce, I finally found how to be happy with myself. So now my question is, how would I get back in the dating scene without dragging up old issues? And how do I help my kids accept the relationship the way it is.

Great questions. Okay, so first of all, you know, I want everybody to ultimate, like work.

In progress right here.

Yeah. I want everybody to consider that happy is a work in progress. You know, it's not ever going to be somewhere. You land where there's this magic finish line and you've arrived.

I'm happy. Okay. I'm done.

You won't be. Right. It's a choice to continually keep your head on straight and choose in to empowerment versus fear.

Well, choosing to be happy is. Is a daily decision because you could fall.

You could fall into a moment.

Yeah. You could fall into a rut any moment of any day.

Yesterday, my husband and I were stuck at the Newark Airport from 9am until 5pm and they kept saying, how was your happy spot? Well, you know, it's really funny is I just. I did my best to stay empowered and in solution. And so there were hundreds and hundreds of people that ended up having to spend the night there. Mark and I got on the plane. Oh, wow. You know, and I think that comes from that decision to stay empowered and to understand that no matter what happens, it's gonna be okay.

Okay. So while you're in line at the airport trying to figure things out, are you talking to the woman behind the counter and being like, look, I'm trying to stay empowered.

No.

And I'm trying to stay in control and positive, but damn it, give me how to play.

No, I do it. So I want to get back to this lady's question, but here's a formula that I really use for our communication in difficult times.

Sure, go ahead.

Okay. And this will work with your kids. So we will. We will make it about your actual question. Here's what you can do with your kids. You don't have the ability to make it better for them or worse for them. Notice I said you don't have the ability to make it better or worse for them.

Right.

What you have the ability to do is communicate from your perspective about the situation without giving them too much detail. It's not their business. They don't need to know the whole drama story. But here's a formula called the success sandwich. Okay. Where you talk about first layer of the bread is you build them up. You say what you love about them sincerely. So, like, at the counter with the airline women, I'm like, thank you so much for your hard work. I know this day must not be the most fun experience of your life. Right. Like, you build them up and it's sincere because they'll know if you're BSing them. Your kids too, then the kids can.

It's funny. People try to BS kids all the time. You see it all the time, kids. If anybody can see through it, it's your kids, right?

Absolutely.

If anybody knows the real you, it's your kids.

Right. And so the middle layer is where you say what you want, but you do it using imessages, not, you need to do this for me. You did this, and now we're in trouble. It's imessages. So I want you to know that I've been a really loyal customer for, you know, a month out of the year. This entire year, I've used your airline. I need some support from you to make sure that I get home tonight. It's not an option for me not to get home tonight. So I really need your support with this. I feel so excited because I know we're going to figure it out. Let's get solution oriented together. I mean, this is really the conversation I had. And initially, the guy that I was talking to looked at me like I was crazy. So he put me on the phone with his supervisor, because you're using words.

That they're not used to hearing from customers.

And he was getting yelled at. Literally, there were like five people in front of us.

Going up and down.

I'm sure the people on the counter called the police.

Oh.

Because they were getting that mean and nasty. So then I come along and yeah, he's like, oh, okay, let me get you on the phone with somebody who can do something. And they did. So that's the middle level then. The last layer is where you make it worth their while. So then I'm saying, you know, I'm so looking forward to continuing to be a loyal customer. I travel for business a lot. I'm looking forward to making you my exclusive airline.

And thank you so much.

And so, see, with your kids, you can be saying, I'm so proud of you. I know it's a very difficult time right now, and it's confusing. Thank you for being such great kids throughout this process. Right. And then you can say, I want to know what your questions are. See, the best thing that you can do for your kids in this time is to just let them vent. You don't have to give them big answers, but make sure you hear them. So you want to open up that safe space where they feel safe enough to actually tell you what they think. Because a lot of times in these situations, kids are afraid to be upset because they don't want to make it worse. For mom and dad.

Right?

Right. So you can just say, I want you to know that I won't be mad at you if you have questions. I want you to talk to me about it. If I don't have an answer, I'll get back to you. But it's really important to me that you talk to me about what's going on and then you can say the make it worth your while piece that you know, no matter what happens, I'm going to love you guys, your father's going to love you guys and we're still a family.

Now. In a perfect world, you start out the conversation, you start the first layer of bread of the sandwich and then you have interact and then you put the top piece of bread on the sandwich. That's in the perfect world. However, we're talking with things that we can't control and kids sometimes don't like to communicate. So sometimes that's a, that's a, Sometimes you have to try to make the sandwich a couple, two, three times to actually have that communication because, you know, no, it's fine. And you know like one word answers and that, I mean that's commonplace when it comes to kids.

Well, you're bringing up something that's really important. But notice how I wasn't going on for days, Right. Like what I said, even if they're giving me a one word answer, I can finish the sandwich.

Sure.

I really can. You know, it's about really breaking it down and saying the really important pieces.

It's a smaller bite sized sandwich and.

It really is important with kids that it is that way. You don't want it to like get all bogged down and go all over.

Their heads and have it turn into an hour because then it seems like it's too much and it's overbearing and.

You don't want it to be this like big scary. Okay, everybody sit down. We have this very important conversation that.

We have to have family talk time.

You don't want it to be filled with pressure, you know, So I do appreciate what you're saying. And it is unpredictable. It is unpredictable. And so you know, when you're dating too, it's going to be unpredictable. And this communication style can really work and I'm going to advocate for it. Again, I know you and I have talked about this several times, but I'm going to advocate for straight out the gate being your 100% authentic self and putting you absolutely out there as you are. You know, I've said it before when Mark and I First got together, I was like, all right, here's the deal. I'm a single mom with two dogs. I've got this history. I am not easy to be with. I've got all these things. You know, I'm into personal growth. It's never going to change. Anybody I'm with, I'm going to want them to be in personal growth. I mean, this is really what I was saying right away.

Well, that. And you were reading off a 13 page list that you.

I did. It was 11 pages. I had a list of all the things I wanted in a relationship. You know, but guess what? The right person is going to love me for those things.

Absolutely.

The wrong person is going to be like, she is definitely too much for me to handle. And that happened before over and over again. Sure. But see, you want the person.

I just realized I sounded like you're way too much for everyone to handle. He's like, I wouldn't be able to deal with that. That's not the case. I'm just. I'm trying to convince that I understand.

I get it, though. But see, there's a person out there who's gonna love you for all of it, flaws and all. So my hot tip is to just be you and own it. Like, you don't have to apologize for anything that you come with, you know? And then another thing I think it's important to understand when you're going through a divorce or a breakup, you're not actually going to be broken up until you're emotionally disconnected on all levels.

And that takes time.

And it does. It's going to take time and it's going to take a willingness for you to deal with the heartbreak on all levels. So that is extremely important. And just be patient with yourself because just because there's the piece of paper that says you're divorced, it doesn't mean you are.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results coach.com here on a confession Tuesday. If you want, if you want some corporate training, if you want, you know, her to come to your school, you want confession Tuesday live at your office, you can have it. Inspired results coach.com Great job as always.

Thank you, everybody. Have a great week.

All right, we're break. Come back Big Pop in the morning on Kiss fm.