Confession Tuesday "Husband Blames Me/Resetting Boundries" 7-2-13

It is a confession. Tuesday, local life coach Rebecca Silence is in studio. Inspired results. Coach.com Got an email about coaching circles.

Yes.

What's going on there?

So we are, for the next three Tuesday nights from 7 to 8 at my office, which is 156 Main street in Whitesboro, we're gonna have coaching circles. So it's not one on one coaching, but you're gonna be in a group setting. You're gonna meet like minded, amazing people and we're gonna do a little bit of meditation, a little bit of teaching, and we'll end with something really special. So you're gonna come with a yoga mat, a water bottle, and an issue that you wanna work on. Come with one thing specific that you wanna work on and have a breakthrough around by the end of the night and you will.

Nice. Yeah, nice. For details on that, hit up inspired results coach.com or make sure you add inspired results on Facebook.

Ten bucks. Well, 156 Main street in Whitesboro, 7 to 8 the next three Tuesdays. So not tonight because I'm going to the Counting Crows with Gary, but the next three Tuesdays.

By the way, shout out to your husband for being like, yeah, go with Gary.

He's awesome. He's the best.

Seriously though, because I guarantee, you know, if, you know, you and I show up to the Counting Crows wallflower show at the Turning Stone tonight, and people are gonna be like, wait a second.

Mark didn't want to go.

She was married.

He's not into the Counting Crows.

See why Paparazzi be all over that. But yes. So funny, Rebecca. It was, it was. It was Mark's idea.

So he's awesome.

All right, so here's how it works. You email big poppy, kiss.com and whatever it is you throw at us, we keep it confidential. We handle it here on the radio. So here is the email. Dear Big Papa and Rebecca, my husband is a. A word I can't use on the radio. He is narcissistic and so rude. Every day he comes home saying, quote, I hate my life, then continues to blame me for the commute, for whatever chore I missed, and talks to me so rudely in front of our kids. He is ridiculous too. Then he wonders why I want nothing to do with him sexually. Everyone who knows him tries to get him to see a counselor, but he won't. He says, I forgot. Everything is my fault. I get the silent treatment every weekend for something lame like I forgot to tell the cleaning lady not to doll his socks. Really? I think I've played into his Manipulation and I didn't set boundaries properly at some point. So. Now what?

Awesome email. Thank you for being brave enough to. To reach out to us. Couple things right away that I want to address. The first is the blame and the name calling. The second is going to be boundaries.

Do you think a little bit is. Is just. And it could be just initial venting because it could be. It may be tough to get some of that frustration out and it's great. Maybe she's leading with the venting just to.

I'm not making her wrong.

Just. Just to get it out of her system.

No, no, no. I'm not making her wrong. It's honest. See, what I love about this is it's going on in your head.

Yeah.

So you might as well get it out on paper and out of your body. Right. I'm not making. I'm not making you wrong. But anytime I'm in blame, it only hurts me. So I still want to address it because it isn't to make you wrong or bad, but what you're seeing in others is what you see in yourself. So if you're calling him narcissistic and ridiculous, where does that apply to how you look at and talk to yourself? Right. I guarantee you make yourself wrong for wanting to get your needs met. You see that as arrogant and. Or maybe afraid to get your needs met. If you're calling him narcissistic. See, what I love about other people, it's also what I see in me.

Sure.

The greatness I see in others is always the greatness that is going on in me, whether I want to admit it out loud or not. I'm just telling the truth. I'm just saying out loud what real. So, you know, look at how your triggers, instead of putting it on other people, blaming them, judging them. Because see, when we're in judgment, it's a better than. It's me walking around the planet acting like I'm better than the person I'm judging. And I'm not. I'm not. And so energetically. That of course, will create tons of friction in your relationships. Right. And there's so many relationships that are, you know, I would call it codependent, where they're totally enmeshed. I can't be happy if you're not happy. Vice versa.

He's not happy unless he loves me.

Right. You made me feel this way. Well, that's impossible because nobody can make you feel anything. It's your interpretation of the experience. Right. But what I'm saying is that when we get into this codependent game. A lot of times we have one person is doing the judging, making the other one, you know, wrong, and then we flip flop. It can go back and forth with one person's on top, then we switch the other person's on top. So this is a learned coping skill of how to handle conflict in a relationship.

Okay.

It doesn't make anybody wrong or bad. It's just you wouldn't do it if you didn't learn it somewhere, if you didn't already see it done before. And I'm not saying that so that you can like call your parents and blame them for teaching you this nonsense. No. Because guess what? They learned it too. So we're all doing the best we can until we wake up and realize, oh, maybe there's a different way. So I'm just suggesting that your strategy, because I'm sure there might have been a time where your email came out your mouth directed at your husband.

Yeah.

So, you know, if that's the case, it doesn't make you bad or wrong, but it's not going to get you more peace. It's probably going to bring you more stress. So just look at that. Look at the judgments that you have on other people. Everybody out there listening, because I promise you, they're the judgments that you have about yourself. So you can look at that, give yourself a little bit of a break, be kind and gentle with you. See, the more accepting you are of yourself, the more accepting you'll be of others. If I'm nasty to myself, I'm going to be nasty to others. It's just the way it is. I can't treat other people better than I treat myself.

All right, looking at this from, from a different angle now, I'm, I'm reading this email and it seems that she wants to reset boundaries.

Right.

And, and how would you go about it? How would someone go about resetting boundaries after they've already been set? And who knows how long this couple has been together? I mean, it could be, it could be two months, it could be two years, it could be 20 years.

Right.

How does someone who, you know, wants more or wants to be treated better, if you will, or just a reset of boundaries and how do you address that without causing World War Three?

Yes. I love it. So that's exactly where I'm going next. You know, we do teach people how to treat us. So what is going on? You know, the way you treat your husband, you do it because that's what's worked. That's essentially Been what's acceptable. Same thing with the way, you know, your husband's treating you. So if I want to be treated different, if I have an experience that I'm not okay with, and I want it to change. See, I believe boundaries are only for me. I can't. I'm not God. I can't make anybody do anything different.

Sure.

So if it's, you know, me telling people what to do and giving ultimatums and threatening, then again you're doing a better than. And your relationship is going to suffer.

Yeah, you know, I've. I've had ultimatums come at me.

Don't work.

You know what I do. Okay, goodbye. I'm out. Yeah, that's. That's okay, right? Normally there's me throwing a couple nasty words and I'm bounce. I'm like, you know, that's it.

So the. The point is it's. It's possible, but it's you and everybody else. Right? Like, we don't want to be put on the defensive. And if you're blaming you, you're always creating war in your relationship. So what I'm talking about is understand that the boundary is only for you. It's a selfish thing. That doesn't mean it's bad. Selfish meaning I know myself well enough to take care of myself. Not meaning self absorption.

Sure.

It's all about me. No, that's not what I'm saying.

And now back to me, right?

No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that it's about you getting your want met. That's it. Right. It's not for the other person. It's not their need. It's my need. So I'm just saying let's own that straight out the gate, because they're not doing anything wrong. They don't know what you need or want unless you communicate it to them. So instead of using these blaming you statements, you did this. You need to do this. How dare you do this. That is only going to create war. You can start talking about your experience. I. And you know, there's a difference between a boundary, an empty threat. Okay, so many people just make empty threats and then they wonder. This happens in my couples coaching. In my individual coaching, I'm setting these boundaries. Why isn't it happening?

Okay, so give me an example of an empty threat.

So you say that you're gonna do something, and then you don't follow through.

Okay, like.

So, like, if you call me a name, I'm gonna leave you, and then you're you're still there. Like, like, and then you're still there, right? You don't actually leave. Like, if you're saying, if you're trying to scare someone into submission and you're saying, all right, this is what I'm gonna do. If you do this and you know, you're not gonna actually follow through, just understand you're teaching this person not to take you seriously at all, right? So an empty threat is when you're just trying to scare the other person. You're just all bark, you know, and you're not actually gonna bite. So be careful with the empty threats. You know, you can say, if you don't say, we have a couple and one of them is in a job that the other one doesn't like, they don't get to see each other. The schedules aren't working. They're not, you know, having any quality time. So one person says, you know, if we don't start going out on dates, going to maybe not leave you, but if we don't start going out on dates, I'm gonna withhold. We already had a comment in here about she's not attracted to the guy, so I'm gonna start withholding any physical intimacy, right? I mean, these are empty threats. This doesn't work. This is nasty communication. So a whole nother way to be is to talk about what you need. But here's the secret sauce, okay? This is the Rebecca silence, boundary setting secret sauce. It's bigger than just knowing what you want. It's bigger than that because I have to know what I want and know how I'm going to get that want met regardless of what the other person does.

Okay?

Right. So that's not on them. It's on me. So if I'm in a joint custody situation, for example, and my want is that my child is returned to me on time on this day, at this time, at this location, and it's not happening. I can set a boundary and I can say my, you know, expectation. My standard here is that I get my child at this time, at this day, at this location. If you are not going to do that, the next time it happens, I will be contacting the police with the separation agreement, and we'll have to take away your privileges. You know that it is very direct. It's a very direct approach. But see, I have a leg to stand on, right? So it's about, are you just all bark with no leg to stand on? Nobody's gonna take you seriously anyway. Or have you actually thought this through? Have you actually thought this through? And you have a plan to get your need met regardless of how the other person shows up. So I look at it like an opportunity to help people understand me better. You know, it isn't about I'm setting a boundary because you're bad and I need to teach you a lesson. This is not gonna help you get closer in your relationship. Right. So it's about, here's me. This is my trigger. This is what would make me feel better, and this is what I'll do if you're not able to work with me. It's okay. I'm gonna get my need met anyway. But I just want you to understand me and where I'm coming from. It's totally different way to be.

Absolutely.

So, listener, you're really brave and. And the homework is to figure out what you actually want, Right? Maybe you don't know. A lot of times people come to my office, they don't actually know what they want yet, and that gets really scary.

They just know they don't like what they have right now.

Right. So here's the homework. Focus on what you actually want versus constantly focusing on what you don't want. It's so easy to focus on what I don't want, but that doesn't change my life. I have to focus on what I do want if I expect to have a different result. So focus on what you do want. Focus on what you want. And, you know, when we're out of drama, there's lots of possibilities and solutions. So you can think of ways you could have it regardless of how a certain individual shows up, because it's not about them having to change to please you in a healthy relationship. And you wouldn't want them to tell you you have to change to please them, I would guess so. Focus on what you want, not what you don't want.

Local life coach Rebecca silence inspired results. Coach.com I know early on in the segment, we had one of those east things that kind of drowned us out. If you missed any part of this. The segments will be up online later today@cny.kiss.com also add inspired results on YouTube. And we're starting. We're starting to upload all the segments on YouTube so you can listen on your cell phones, which is something that people were asking for. So great job as always.

Thank you. Take care of yourselves and each other.

This is going to sound weird. I'll see you tonight.

Yeah.

All right, we're going to break it back. Big pop of the morning. Kiss FM on a confession Tuesday.